Insomnia

So I know I've all but forsaken my blog. And I know that's not the best thing for myself, as it helped me get through some of the hardest months of my life. I've been through so much immense pain this year, and I'm trying to detach myself from it. I'm getting depressed though, I realize that, and I need to find away to keep my head above water. I haven't been able to sleep lately, and when I do sleep, my dreams have been more melancholy. I'm also not motivated in school, which is not me. I mean, it was when I was going through my after high school partying clubbing non stop. But I rarely do that anymore, my life is focused around school and work now, yet when I'm there I find myself having so much trouble concentrating. Sometimes I find myself mulling over details of the first few months in this new life. I used to have leverage over this, now I just have medicine. I had more power than I allowed myself to see, and I think that if I would've embraced that power I would be much happier than I am right now. But then again, hindsight is 20/20. I'm not ashamed about my status, but I feel like I am so much more secretive about it. Like a lot of the people I have met in the last few months don't know, and it's not that I am trying to hide anything, it's just why say anything in the first place??? Yet at the same time, that makes me feel ashamed because I feel like I have some sort of illegitimate child that I am keeping locked away in a closet.

I'll be honest, I still have some resentment over that fact that I have to go through this alone.. I spent 2 year of my life with someone, and when this all happened at the beginning of the year, they jumped ship within 2 months. While I would never wish this upon anyone, it's so much more hard going through it when you feel abandoned. While I know I had just as much to do with the break up as he did, I feel he could have fought harder to make things work, at least for the time being. With everything that was going on in my life, it was more than clear I wasn't myself. I was acting out, like a 2 year, but that's just because I was exploring a completely new world that I was deathly afraid of.

I guess I can sometimes keep a shell around me, even to those I most care about. It's not because I do it to be clandestine or mysterious, it's just I feel people will think less of me if they don't view me as strong. I've spent too long carving an image of myself, that I forgot how to just be real with emotion sometimes. I know I'm hardheaded, but I need to allow myself to cave into the help of others when it is offered. Things will get easier with time, I know that. They've already gotten so much more easier than when this all started on 2/4/09. But, it still hurts and is on my mind pretty much every day. I'm made about the mistakes I made, especially because I was too young to even realize I was making a mistake at the time. 2009 has exhausted me, it has been by far my worst year. I look forward to 2010 with great hope though. There is a certain fear there, one that I didn't feel when I was entering 2009. I guess it's because I know realize that life is not fair. Sometimes there are lifelong consequences for insubordinate decisions. I lost a lot this year: innocence, independence, and naiveness.. But I gained a few thigns along the way. I have a much more clear view of what it means to make decisions that will please me in the long run, as opposed to what feels good at the moment. I also realize that my family will support me no matter what.. I've given my mom more hell than she cares to deal with this year, yet she still keeps me going, keeps my head propped up, and always knows when something's wrong.