Last post of 2009

As I prepare to say adios to 2009, I can't help but ask myself what this year would have been like had I not been diagnosed. Would my life in Long Beach still have fallen apart? What would my life had been like right now, had I still been positive, but not have gotten tested? Where would my health be? Considering my t cells were 345 when I was diagnosed, I was not far off from starting to feel some symptoms of the virus. I remember when I was first diagnosed, every little cough, sneeze, burp, or bad dream was because of HIV. Looking back though, that was sort of silly. There was probably a lot of other external factors affecting my health. Bad sleeping habits, drinking habits, stress, etc. Nonetheless, had I not found out when I did, I think I would be in a much worse situation physically.

I really am nervous about what 2010 has in store for me. I know it's crunch time now. I really need to get back on the bandwagon with school and what not. I'm going to be 23 in less than 6 months, and by the time I get my BA/BS I probably could have had a Ph.D. Getting an education and a good job is more important than ever now. Health insurance is something that is on my mind everyday, as is paying for the necessities that come with keeping me healthy now. If the funding for HIV medication gets cut, I'm screwed. The full price of my meds for just a MONTH are $2,200. Fortunately they are funded through my health insurance and through government assistance, but who says those things won't last?

2010 is going to be my make or break year I think. The decisions I make this coming year, and how I respond to the consequences of those decisions will shape the rest of my life. I know that this doesn't have to rule my life. It's been almost 11 months since I was first diagnosed, and I'd say on a comfort level of 1-10, I'm about an 8. I don't cry like I used to, I don't feel sorry for myself like I used to. I don't feel the need to get the attention for everyone and expect everyone to feel sorry for me like I did at first. Now it's just more a feeling of latency. I'm sick of getting up, going to work, coming home and repeating. I need to feel like I am making progress. In my education, in my social life, and in the introspective aspects of my life.

There is one thing I am sure of this year though. I've had a lot of help from a lot of wonderful people this year. My parents have been so important in keeping my head above water. They've put up with a lot of my bullshit this year, and have been very patient with me. I've met people who have lost their relationship with their parents because their HIV status, and I don't know how they do it. My sister has been a help too, even though we sometimes have a volatile relationship. Some of the awesome people in Long Beach who helped me out when I was first diagnosed really saved me from going off the deep end. Heidi, Jackie, Garry, and many more really helped me get through the initial transition of learning my HIV status. I think I even have to thank my ex. Although we aren't on good terms and don't talk anymore, he helped open my eyes about certain things. His strengths and weaknesses gave me perspective on my own abilities to cope with issues, and learning to walk without his assistance has taught me many things. I still get angry, hurt, and sad sometimes when I think about him, but I'm a better person because I knew him. Mostly, I have Caitlin to thank for just being a friend. From day one, she has been there for me, and her honesty has been invaluable. It's nice to have someone who I can just be completely honest around and feel no shame.

And thank you to you, for reading my blog and keeping up with it. This isn't exactly how I expected it to turn out. I thought I'd be using it much more often, or for different reasons, more interactively, but what's important is that I've used it. It has helped me grow, and hopefully it has helped you grow and given you some perspective on making better, healthier decisions. Have a safe and happy new year everyone, and I will see you in 2010.