In Retrospect: February 4th, 2009 4:53 PM

Date: 2/04/09

Time: 4:53 PM PST

Place: Long Beach Health Department

"I'm so sorry Nick, your test showed up preliminary positive," the testing clinician sorrowfully declared.

Being a born-again college student, my first thought was: "YES!!! I finally passed a test in which I did not have to study for!" My next thought: "FUCK! This wasn't the test that I wanted to pass. This was the one I had hoped for over a year to fail miserably at."

Then it set in: There was a 99.3% chance that I was HIV Positive. That's when I broke down. I asked the nurse to leave the room so I could make a couple phone calls. The first one, tearfully, was to Caitlin. In a moment's response I heard, "Oh baby I am so sorry. I'm getting in my car right now." Mind you, Caitlin lives exactly 282 miles (according to Google Maps) from her apartment to mine. Caitlin, I hope you are reading this. That is the single most important act of kindness anyone has ever shown me. I am eternally grateful for that.

The next call I made, still in full shock and tears, was to my manager Jackie. I am blessed to have transferred to the Chili's she works at, for she was able to provide me with so many great resources in the minutes, hours, and days to follow. Jackie has been the angel on my shoulder that, each time my chin drops in self-pity, jabs me with her heavenly pitchfork and says, "Keep your head up! You are a strong motherfucker and you know it!"

The point of this blog is not to bore you with self-centered stories about how much the past 3 weeks have changed my life. I use this simple story to convey to everyone where I plan to go in the days, weeks, and months to follow. I have two prerogatives in starting my blog. The most important one is for me. An outlet where I can vent the roller coaster of emotions that have been on non-stop overdrive since that Wednesday I will never forgot. But it also for you, of course. To inform, educate, inspire, and reassure.

I had never knowingly met an HIV positive individual until I came home on Wednesday February 4th, 2009 and looked in the mirror. I looked at myself, my healthy 21-year old normal looking self and repeated, "I am Nick. I am HIV positive," as if I were at an AA meeting. I then laid on my couch and cried, for hours and hours.

Feeling no shame about who I am or what has transpired over the past 21 years of my life, I have told many of you that I am HIV positive. Not because I have some delirious feeling to tell the entire world, but because I think it is important that people realize HIV/AIDS is not an old, gay man disease that people only got in the 1980's. It is targeting the youth of America (15-24 years of age) at extremely high levels; of that group, 48% of American youth between 15 and 24 years of age who are HIV+ do not know so. There are many reasons for that, and I will get into that issue in future blogs. For the people who have not heard about this happening to me until you read this post, please reassure yourself that I AM OKAY. I am strong. I am proactive. My life has transformed drastically in the past 19 days, but mentally I know I can battle this. And I am so grateful for the love of my life, Daniel (who showed up NEGATIVE for those curious about his status; thank god for that!) He is my support system, he is with me 99.9%. The missing 0.1% is because he, nor any other HIV- individual, will ever be able to understand what it is like to really find out you are positive, and have to accept it.

Just because I am HIV positive, does not mean I understand what it's like to have cancer, diabetes, asthma, or any other debilitating diseases. Nor does anyone, unless they go through it themselves. That is a bold statement, especially to people who have watched their loved ones die from cancer, diabetes, etc. But, I watched my Grandma suffer for 12 years from Alzheimer's at all stages. And while, I have an understanding of her and the disease, there is no way I could possibly infiltrate her mind to comprehend what is really happening and how she is feeling.

Anyways, this is my first posting; there will be MANY, MANY more to come. Please stay tuned, and check back.