So I've been told I often talk about what I am doing, and not enough of what I am feeling. So tonight I'm dedicating my entry to only what I am feeling...Read ahead.
I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I have stepped into a new world, one in which I was not prepared for. I feel as though I have not made the best decisions since my diagnosis, relying too much on emotion, and too little on intelligence. I feel as if I buried myself in situations, dedications, and expectations that I am not capable of managing to the best of my abilities. I feel that I wish I could have a few more months off of life, yet I feel that I should have never taken as much time off from it as I did. I feel overwhelmed.
I feel new horizons broadening. I feel as though the sun is setting on many aspects, friendships, and endeavors in my life, yet there are so many other things opening up. I feel as if the friendships I have had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with are so much more real than the friendships I used to make. I feel as if the crowd of people I have chosen to surround myself with hold better values about themselves, and I respect that. I feel I have strayed away from the hard partier's, the all-to-often hungover people, and those who do not have common goals as myself. I feel as if I view goals in a different light. I feel as though I have a clearer view of the things I wish to do with my life, the people I wish to encounter, and the rewards I wish to obtain through hard work. I feel new horizons broadening.
I feel pressured more than ever. I feel that disappointment and failure is no longer acceptable, and that it is time to buck up and get some real shit done. I feel that I have let many people down. I feel that those who weren't really my friends have lost hope in me, while the people who really care have held out and tried to support me. I feel as though many people don't understand what I am going through, and that sometimes creates a strain on our friendship. I feel that I have many less friends than i did a year ago, but I feel more love and acceptance in my life. I feel that I do not want to let these people down, I want them to be happy that we are friends, and find satisfaction in our relationship. At the same time, I feel pressured more than ever.
Showing posts with label HIV. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HIV. Show all posts
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Low Tide
I've been feeling kind of emotional the last couple of days, I'm not going to lie. I had been feeling really happy and positive for a good month there, but things are starting to feel a little more sad. I think it's because summer is coming to an end. Summer has always been my favorite season, and now comes the cold. Cold, dark days. Rainy days. Windy, cloudy days. Last winter I was in Long Beach, where the sun was always shining. It may not have always been warm, but the sun was always shining. I know how Tracy is during the fall/winter, and I'm not looking forward to it. I just can't picture myself being content with the fact that I am HIV+ and it's raining outside. Okay, that sounds a little weird. I don't mean for it to come out like that. But having HIV is such a gloomy fact of life. It's not fun, it's not a walk in the park, it's not a piece of cake. I've always struggled to stay happy during the winter, and this year I feel like I'm going to have to struggle harder.
Another thing is that I started school again. While I am ecstastic to be back getting an education, and I am SO happy with my classes, it's just not the same. Long Beach was an up and down experience for me, but the one thing I loved about it was school. I had a great routine, I loved and knew the campus, and it felt right. Taking the bus to and from, listening to my iPod to pump myself up those mornings, walking down the alleyway back to my apartment after a long day at school, climbing the steps to my apartment, and relaxing. I was independant then, I was on top of things. HIV had not yet made its way into my life. Well it had, but I just didn't know it at the time. It felt good to be free. Being back on a JC campus is a little disappointing. The campus doesn't offer nearly as many great amenities, and if it does, it doesn't make it appareant. I'm no longer surrounded by people who really seem to care about higher learning, but more of a high schoolish type crowd.
Guys have also disappointed me lately. I wish I hadn't screwed up my relationship. I had a good thing. And I know both Daniel and I did our share to destory things, I feel like there was so much more I could have done to prevent the outcome that came. It felt good to be in love. I wasn't as scared of HIV when I had him. I am scared now. Not of dying, not of the virus killing me. But just having to live with it, the burden of it. The worries and troubles of having to carry this around with me for the rest of my life gets to me sometimes. I know I will continue to grow with this, and it will get easier. It has gotten easier. But right now, I just feel emotional. I know it will pass. I will never allow myself to sink into the hole that I was in ever again. May and June were particularly bad months for me, and I never want to repeat them again. My birthday was horrible, I spent it in the ER with bronchitis. When August 31st comes around in a few weeks, do me a favor, wake me up when september ends.
Another thing is that I started school again. While I am ecstastic to be back getting an education, and I am SO happy with my classes, it's just not the same. Long Beach was an up and down experience for me, but the one thing I loved about it was school. I had a great routine, I loved and knew the campus, and it felt right. Taking the bus to and from, listening to my iPod to pump myself up those mornings, walking down the alleyway back to my apartment after a long day at school, climbing the steps to my apartment, and relaxing. I was independant then, I was on top of things. HIV had not yet made its way into my life. Well it had, but I just didn't know it at the time. It felt good to be free. Being back on a JC campus is a little disappointing. The campus doesn't offer nearly as many great amenities, and if it does, it doesn't make it appareant. I'm no longer surrounded by people who really seem to care about higher learning, but more of a high schoolish type crowd.
Guys have also disappointed me lately. I wish I hadn't screwed up my relationship. I had a good thing. And I know both Daniel and I did our share to destory things, I feel like there was so much more I could have done to prevent the outcome that came. It felt good to be in love. I wasn't as scared of HIV when I had him. I am scared now. Not of dying, not of the virus killing me. But just having to live with it, the burden of it. The worries and troubles of having to carry this around with me for the rest of my life gets to me sometimes. I know I will continue to grow with this, and it will get easier. It has gotten easier. But right now, I just feel emotional. I know it will pass. I will never allow myself to sink into the hole that I was in ever again. May and June were particularly bad months for me, and I never want to repeat them again. My birthday was horrible, I spent it in the ER with bronchitis. When August 31st comes around in a few weeks, do me a favor, wake me up when september ends.
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
I ain't Sayin' you ain't Pretty...
For the first time in so long I can smile. I can smile and really mean it. I'm truly happy right now. Nothing specific has really happened, I've just felt detached from the grueling depression that was enveloping me. It's weird because I've taken myself off my beloved Paxil and it's actually helped me feel better. I've had some anxiety, but mood wise I've been more up, out, and about then I've been in months.
I have my consultation in less then 12 hours for my first line HIV treatment. It has got me nervous as hell, but I think I'm ready. I have to discuss what medications are appropriate with my doctor, but hopefully this time tomorrow I'll have some answers and possibly even some medications to get my T-Cells back where they belong. I've been dreading starting medication, but then I had an Epiphany today (I love that word btw). Is that millions of people died, and are still dying, wishing they had the opportunities that I have right now. HIV persisted for 15 years without any good, concrete treatment and in that time people were dying off left and right. They would have given anything to have the available treatment we have now. Unfortunately, that thought was clouded by my selfish pity that I had, dwelling on the fact of my outcome. But I'm not dying. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I feel like I have this terrible disease, eating away at me, waiting to take me. But that's not the case. And I believe it now. I REALLY do. I have everything to live for. The last few months I had been feeling like someone took away the last 2 years of my life, and that now this disease was going to take away the rest of it. But I'm done hating. Hating him, hating this virus. That's a huge part why I haven't updated in so long. I felt so lost. I was in a haze of depression and funk.
And I'm not gonna lie I was disappointed with everyone who didn't donate 5 or 10 bucks to my AIDS walk. I'm sorry, but I sent out plenty of texts, and the fact that nobody could help me out made me not want to update. I'm not doing God's work here, but it isn't easy opening your most deepest feelings like this. Especially of such a sensitive subject. But whatever. I'm over it and on to greener pastures. Goodnight everyone.
I have my consultation in less then 12 hours for my first line HIV treatment. It has got me nervous as hell, but I think I'm ready. I have to discuss what medications are appropriate with my doctor, but hopefully this time tomorrow I'll have some answers and possibly even some medications to get my T-Cells back where they belong. I've been dreading starting medication, but then I had an Epiphany today (I love that word btw). Is that millions of people died, and are still dying, wishing they had the opportunities that I have right now. HIV persisted for 15 years without any good, concrete treatment and in that time people were dying off left and right. They would have given anything to have the available treatment we have now. Unfortunately, that thought was clouded by my selfish pity that I had, dwelling on the fact of my outcome. But I'm not dying. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I feel like I have this terrible disease, eating away at me, waiting to take me. But that's not the case. And I believe it now. I REALLY do. I have everything to live for. The last few months I had been feeling like someone took away the last 2 years of my life, and that now this disease was going to take away the rest of it. But I'm done hating. Hating him, hating this virus. That's a huge part why I haven't updated in so long. I felt so lost. I was in a haze of depression and funk.
And I'm not gonna lie I was disappointed with everyone who didn't donate 5 or 10 bucks to my AIDS walk. I'm sorry, but I sent out plenty of texts, and the fact that nobody could help me out made me not want to update. I'm not doing God's work here, but it isn't easy opening your most deepest feelings like this. Especially of such a sensitive subject. But whatever. I'm over it and on to greener pastures. Goodnight everyone.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
Boys of Suimmer...
Since I was 15 I have always considered the Friday before Memorial Day to be the start of the "Gay Summer Season". This holy Friday, in which I look forward to every year, is always "Gay Day" at Great America. It's a special event that Great America theme park holds every year. It's from 5 PM and goes on until the wee hours of 2 AM. Thousands of homos indulge themselves in a fun filled evening of roller coasters, drinks, and dancing. It has always started out my summer because it's the first major gay-friendly event of the summer. Then comes my birthday in June, followed by Pride in San Francisco just a few weeks later. I usually consider the close out of the "Gay Summer Season" to be the Love Festival in San Francisco.
I know this seems like an awkward topic to bring up in my blog, but you have to understand the importance of this day for me. It is like Christmas for an 8 year old. Every year that I have gone, which is every year since 2003, I have tried to make it as special as I can. From the first time I went with my much loved, ultra gay friend Joshie, thru my senior year with Kimber and Oscar, and Desirae and the everybody, until last year with Daniel (who knew it was going to be our last time, that was also the same day we found out we got the apartment in Long Beach); every year has held a special part in my homolicious little heart. Most importantly though, I've always noted how I've grown bit by bit each year. I still remember sitting in my high school Biology class, sophomore year, waiting to get out of 6th period so I could embark on my first trip to Gay Day. I look back and laugh, missing the naive 15 year old that I was. Not knowing where my life was going to go, but thinking I knew everything. Being so secure in who I was, yet so insecure in what I was to become. And now I think about it more and more.
The past 106 days (since my diagnosis) I have changed so much. Some days I have grown, some days I have fallen apart. Some days I have learned, and some days have left me longing for more answers. More and more, I feel rattled by the thought of what I could be, instead of what I am. I feel guilty because I was in a good spot pre-diagnosis. Between school, work, and life, things weren't half bad. Granted it had been hard being away from my family and Nor Cal friends, life was working out. It seems like I think of time in a measurement of B.H. and A.H. (Before HIV, After HIV). Before I knew I was positive, I had this sense of innocence, this sense of freedom. Now I feel like those things have been placed in a time capsule. I can dig it up and look at it, hold it, as if it were some sort of emotional relic, yet never experience it fully again. I've been feeling the ball and chain of the virus tied around my tan little ankle. Life was a playground before. I could have all the fun I wanted with no sense of consequence. Yet I fell off life's monkey bars and landed in the thorny stems of reality. Cause and effect is real, action and reaction a truth.
I'm no longer the 15 year old with frosted tips, riding carefree on roller coasters every Friday before Memorial Day. I'm not longer the know it all 20 year old, carefully sneaking vodka into a theme park on that Friday in May. Now I'm an infected 21 year old, with a new sense of raw reality of life's offerings. I know now what humans are capable of doing to each other, knowingly and unknowingly. Guardian angels don't bubble wrap your fall. Your beloved mother can't always fix your owwies with a simple band aid, not anymore. So when the "gay summer" starts tomorrow, where will I be when it ends. Most importantly, how will I feel?
I know this seems like an awkward topic to bring up in my blog, but you have to understand the importance of this day for me. It is like Christmas for an 8 year old. Every year that I have gone, which is every year since 2003, I have tried to make it as special as I can. From the first time I went with my much loved, ultra gay friend Joshie, thru my senior year with Kimber and Oscar, and Desirae and the everybody, until last year with Daniel (who knew it was going to be our last time, that was also the same day we found out we got the apartment in Long Beach); every year has held a special part in my homolicious little heart. Most importantly though, I've always noted how I've grown bit by bit each year. I still remember sitting in my high school Biology class, sophomore year, waiting to get out of 6th period so I could embark on my first trip to Gay Day. I look back and laugh, missing the naive 15 year old that I was. Not knowing where my life was going to go, but thinking I knew everything. Being so secure in who I was, yet so insecure in what I was to become. And now I think about it more and more.
The past 106 days (since my diagnosis) I have changed so much. Some days I have grown, some days I have fallen apart. Some days I have learned, and some days have left me longing for more answers. More and more, I feel rattled by the thought of what I could be, instead of what I am. I feel guilty because I was in a good spot pre-diagnosis. Between school, work, and life, things weren't half bad. Granted it had been hard being away from my family and Nor Cal friends, life was working out. It seems like I think of time in a measurement of B.H. and A.H. (Before HIV, After HIV). Before I knew I was positive, I had this sense of innocence, this sense of freedom. Now I feel like those things have been placed in a time capsule. I can dig it up and look at it, hold it, as if it were some sort of emotional relic, yet never experience it fully again. I've been feeling the ball and chain of the virus tied around my tan little ankle. Life was a playground before. I could have all the fun I wanted with no sense of consequence. Yet I fell off life's monkey bars and landed in the thorny stems of reality. Cause and effect is real, action and reaction a truth.
I'm no longer the 15 year old with frosted tips, riding carefree on roller coasters every Friday before Memorial Day. I'm not longer the know it all 20 year old, carefully sneaking vodka into a theme park on that Friday in May. Now I'm an infected 21 year old, with a new sense of raw reality of life's offerings. I know now what humans are capable of doing to each other, knowingly and unknowingly. Guardian angels don't bubble wrap your fall. Your beloved mother can't always fix your owwies with a simple band aid, not anymore. So when the "gay summer" starts tomorrow, where will I be when it ends. Most importantly, how will I feel?
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Believe it or Not, it was Vanity that Killed the Cat
The reason for my extended silence when it comes to my blog is simple: Depression. Over the last month I seem to have run into this brick wall of sadness and depression. Yet I feel like I am finally climbing my way over it.
Accepting my HIV status has proved harder to me than I thought it would. I have felt so many different emotions throughout the last 3 months it's unbelievable. There were times where I was so Gung Ho to fight against HIV both personally and through community outreach. There were times where I was so upset I felt reckless. For the most part everything seemed like it had been day by day. Depending on the events, circumstances and responsibilities of each day, my feeling for that entire day could swing either way. Yet during April everything seemed to flat line in a black hole of depression. I haven't had the motivation to say the words I need to say on here. I didn't have the motivation to seek some sort of mental/physical health care up here. Getting out of bed and slapping that big, fat, fake smile on my face and waiting tables became almost unbearable. It's hard to watch a 2 year relationship crumble in front of my face as I fight the hardest fight of my life: accepting my HIV status and starting my life over.
I always found security in sex. Sex made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. Daniel made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. But I have lost my faith in sex. It has become this dirty omen, a nasty game of win or lose where the odds aren't in your favor. I've heard about so many kids my age in the past month finding out that they were newly diagnosed with HIV that it makes me sick. How can sex be so beautiful, yet be so murderous? Following on my second sentence in this paragraph, I lost everything with Daniel. We both are to fault, and I definitely blame HIV in being the final nail in the coffin. Him being negative, and me finding out that I am positive, he just couldn't handle my emotions. We allowed the virus to take hold, and rip us apart. Even as I get to know Julian better and our relationship grows, the anger and pain I have from what became of Daniel and I became supersedes my ability to fully embrace my seroconversion to being HIV+. How long does it take to get over someone who you felt abandoned you at such a significant, crucial time? A month? Two Months? Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes? But from all of this I know two things: One - I will have to forgive Daniel for the pain I feel he has caused me before I can alleviate my depression and Two - I need to learn from the mistakes both he and I made, so that my current relationship to such a fascinating person does not follow a similar pattern.
To address my title for this blog, I have found that doing things to improve me both on the inside and outside really helps me feel less depressed. Call me vain, but I think feeling sexy, attractive, and desirable is an important aspect of life. It calms insecurities, creates confidence, and supports individualism. We all have to find our own ways to feel sexy. America idolizes beauty. As ridiculous as it is, beauty often surpasses morals when it comes being an American. And I won't lie, I quite oft fall victim to wanting to be a little more attractive, a little more fit, a little more intellectual. Being cultured and knowledgeable, especially about current events, is something that I believe makes someone much more attractive. Granted I love a chiseled jaw line, a golden tan, and abs you could suck a Kettle One Cosmopolitan out of, knowledge is so sexy. I want to learn. Whether it's about Mulholland's importance in the creation of the L.A. aqueduct, how to make the perfect casserole, how much cocaine Lindsay Lohan had for breakfast, or what the UN is doing to combat the rising tension between North Korea's nuclear program and the rest of the world, I want to learn. But I also want to be attractive. So if you see me at the gym reading the encyclopedia (or The National Enquirer), please say hello :)
Accepting my HIV status has proved harder to me than I thought it would. I have felt so many different emotions throughout the last 3 months it's unbelievable. There were times where I was so Gung Ho to fight against HIV both personally and through community outreach. There were times where I was so upset I felt reckless. For the most part everything seemed like it had been day by day. Depending on the events, circumstances and responsibilities of each day, my feeling for that entire day could swing either way. Yet during April everything seemed to flat line in a black hole of depression. I haven't had the motivation to say the words I need to say on here. I didn't have the motivation to seek some sort of mental/physical health care up here. Getting out of bed and slapping that big, fat, fake smile on my face and waiting tables became almost unbearable. It's hard to watch a 2 year relationship crumble in front of my face as I fight the hardest fight of my life: accepting my HIV status and starting my life over.
I always found security in sex. Sex made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. Daniel made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. But I have lost my faith in sex. It has become this dirty omen, a nasty game of win or lose where the odds aren't in your favor. I've heard about so many kids my age in the past month finding out that they were newly diagnosed with HIV that it makes me sick. How can sex be so beautiful, yet be so murderous? Following on my second sentence in this paragraph, I lost everything with Daniel. We both are to fault, and I definitely blame HIV in being the final nail in the coffin. Him being negative, and me finding out that I am positive, he just couldn't handle my emotions. We allowed the virus to take hold, and rip us apart. Even as I get to know Julian better and our relationship grows, the anger and pain I have from what became of Daniel and I became supersedes my ability to fully embrace my seroconversion to being HIV+. How long does it take to get over someone who you felt abandoned you at such a significant, crucial time? A month? Two Months? Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes? But from all of this I know two things: One - I will have to forgive Daniel for the pain I feel he has caused me before I can alleviate my depression and Two - I need to learn from the mistakes both he and I made, so that my current relationship to such a fascinating person does not follow a similar pattern.
To address my title for this blog, I have found that doing things to improve me both on the inside and outside really helps me feel less depressed. Call me vain, but I think feeling sexy, attractive, and desirable is an important aspect of life. It calms insecurities, creates confidence, and supports individualism. We all have to find our own ways to feel sexy. America idolizes beauty. As ridiculous as it is, beauty often surpasses morals when it comes being an American. And I won't lie, I quite oft fall victim to wanting to be a little more attractive, a little more fit, a little more intellectual. Being cultured and knowledgeable, especially about current events, is something that I believe makes someone much more attractive. Granted I love a chiseled jaw line, a golden tan, and abs you could suck a Kettle One Cosmopolitan out of, knowledge is so sexy. I want to learn. Whether it's about Mulholland's importance in the creation of the L.A. aqueduct, how to make the perfect casserole, how much cocaine Lindsay Lohan had for breakfast, or what the UN is doing to combat the rising tension between North Korea's nuclear program and the rest of the world, I want to learn. But I also want to be attractive. So if you see me at the gym reading the encyclopedia (or The National Enquirer), please say hello :)
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Identity Theft
YOU stole my identity. YOU took everything away from me that I had going. YOU knew you were infected, yet didn't bother to tell me. YOU were playing Russian roulette with my life, and I lost. Lady GaGa said it right: "Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun." Yeah, it would probably be a lot less painful.
But I've located YOU. YOU weren't smart enough to change YOUR number. I went all Encyclopedia Brown on YOUR ass and was able to find you. It's been a number of years, a few guys, one long relationship, and a hell of a road. But I know now. I know what I have. I know what YOU did it to me. And I'm going to give your info to the right people, investigators, so they can do whatever they have to do to YOU. Press charges, prosecute, whatever. I don't care. As long as you feel an ounce of the pain that I have, I'll be happy.
I'm not one for revenge. I've held my grudges in the past, but have learned that they are unhealthy. How could I ever forgive YOU though? YOU knew what you were doing when I didn't. YOU had at least 15 years on me, YOU knew the good sides of life and the dark sides. I was 19. Young, naive, reckless. Alcohol was my best friend. Cocaine was even a little bit closer of a friend. I thought I was being young and having fun. YOU knew my vulnerability. And YOU sprung upon it. YOU tore me apart while I was having fun, only to silently work YOUR way back into my life through my T-Cells. I left YOUR house, YOUR bedroom that last day. Yet YOU never left me. YOU never will. As I live the rest of my long, adventurous life, the HIV YOU gave me, will forever multiply, go dormant, yet still be resilient if I miss my medication.
Are YOU happy?
But I've located YOU. YOU weren't smart enough to change YOUR number. I went all Encyclopedia Brown on YOUR ass and was able to find you. It's been a number of years, a few guys, one long relationship, and a hell of a road. But I know now. I know what I have. I know what YOU did it to me. And I'm going to give your info to the right people, investigators, so they can do whatever they have to do to YOU. Press charges, prosecute, whatever. I don't care. As long as you feel an ounce of the pain that I have, I'll be happy.
I'm not one for revenge. I've held my grudges in the past, but have learned that they are unhealthy. How could I ever forgive YOU though? YOU knew what you were doing when I didn't. YOU had at least 15 years on me, YOU knew the good sides of life and the dark sides. I was 19. Young, naive, reckless. Alcohol was my best friend. Cocaine was even a little bit closer of a friend. I thought I was being young and having fun. YOU knew my vulnerability. And YOU sprung upon it. YOU tore me apart while I was having fun, only to silently work YOUR way back into my life through my T-Cells. I left YOUR house, YOUR bedroom that last day. Yet YOU never left me. YOU never will. As I live the rest of my long, adventurous life, the HIV YOU gave me, will forever multiply, go dormant, yet still be resilient if I miss my medication.
Are YOU happy?
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies
I can't believe it. Almost two years, and I'm single again. It hurts . I'm not going to go into the gory details of why we broke up, but he hurt me. Very bad. I'm heartbroken right now. I feel as if I'm already on the ground, especially with all that going on in my life, and he had the nerve to break my heart. Smash it into 1,000 pieces. Or for my RENT fans, he smashed it into five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred pieces. haha....sorry I always need a little bit of humor. Even when I'm down and out, and I'm on my last leg, I need some humor.
I didn't know if I was going to be with him forever. I'm not one of those cliche people who "omg we are gonna be together forever". I try to live for the moment, and for the near future. I'm a realist, and try not to set my expectations too high. But I never ever in a million years, or five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred years for that matter ;) thought it would end like this. It's just painful and crushing. I have a tire iron on my chest crushing me trying to squeeze all the strength it can out of me, but I'm stronger than that. I know I need to focus on myself right now. Not on guys, not on drama, not on anything other than making sure I'm getting back to top shape. Acceptance is a fucking bitch. On top of me accepting the fact that I have HIV, I have to accept the fact that now I'm on my own. My heart belongs to me again, someone doesn't have half of it by a death grip.
I miss him. I miss him so much. And it's only been a day. And I will miss him until the day that I die, but I am just in so much pain. It's okay to miss somebody that you hate for the time being. I know that it takes two to tango, and everything was not his fault. I know I had my faults in our relationship, but I've learned a lot from them. I just pray there are other people out there who can deal with me. like he did. Before I was on anti-depressants I was a raging bitch, and he put up with it every single day. I know he loves me. I know his instinct isn't to hurt me, but his instinct isn't to give me everything I need right now. His instinct is himself, and right now, that's what my instinct needs to me, what is good for Nick Morgan.
I didn't know if I was going to be with him forever. I'm not one of those cliche people who "omg we are gonna be together forever". I try to live for the moment, and for the near future. I'm a realist, and try not to set my expectations too high. But I never ever in a million years, or five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred years for that matter ;) thought it would end like this. It's just painful and crushing. I have a tire iron on my chest crushing me trying to squeeze all the strength it can out of me, but I'm stronger than that. I know I need to focus on myself right now. Not on guys, not on drama, not on anything other than making sure I'm getting back to top shape. Acceptance is a fucking bitch. On top of me accepting the fact that I have HIV, I have to accept the fact that now I'm on my own. My heart belongs to me again, someone doesn't have half of it by a death grip.
I miss him. I miss him so much. And it's only been a day. And I will miss him until the day that I die, but I am just in so much pain. It's okay to miss somebody that you hate for the time being. I know that it takes two to tango, and everything was not his fault. I know I had my faults in our relationship, but I've learned a lot from them. I just pray there are other people out there who can deal with me. like he did. Before I was on anti-depressants I was a raging bitch, and he put up with it every single day. I know he loves me. I know his instinct isn't to hurt me, but his instinct isn't to give me everything I need right now. His instinct is himself, and right now, that's what my instinct needs to me, what is good for Nick Morgan.
Rock Bottom
I'm quitting drinking. I mean it. No more alcohol, it is toxic to me. Last night I was out having drinks (5 Tanquery Martinis and a Blojob shot) to be exact. When I got home, for some reason in my drunken state, I became extremely upset and depressed. I did the dumbest thing imaginable: I swallowed all my Paxil, Klonopin, and Trazadone. Great mix, right? A anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, and sleeping pill massive cocktail.
Suicide attempt? No. Cry for help? Most definitely. Right after I did it I went and told my sister, then things just flashed by. Police came, paramedics came, and I was whisked away in an ambulance. I spent the entire night in the hospital, had my stomach pumped, had a cathater (fucking OUCH), and the whole nine yards. Oh, and when they drew my blood, my blood alcohol level was .257, and that was more than an hour after I had stopped drinking. Why I'm still alive, I don't know. But I am blessed. What I did was extremely selfish, stupid, and inconsiderate. Enough of the gory details though, I really want to focus on how I felt, and how I feel now.
Trapped. That's exactly how I felt when I came to (yet still heavily intoxicated) at the hospital. I had to be held down in restraints. Somewhere in my delusions, I thought that I had been kidnapped. I dont' remember everything I did or said, but I remember exactly how I felt. I felt the most intense fear I have ever felt, I can still feel yet. I felt more helpless than ever. I didn't consciously realize where I was, and there was a security guard watching over me, so I thought I was being held captive. I ask myself now, are those feelings related to my HIV status? I feel captured right now. I feel helpless. It feels like it will never go away. Anyone who knows me well, knows I can be kind of a control freak. I very much things my way, but I try to compromise. It's because I like to handle things, I like to handle situations. And I can't handle this. I can't reach into my veins and pull this horrible virus out of me. I try, so hard I try. Just knowing that there's something inside of me that is multiplying and multiplying and multiplying. I can't control it. Yeah I can got in meds when I need to, and live a healthier lifestyle, etc. etc. etc. But, I can never just remove it from me. I feel I'm wearing the scarlet letter, forever embedded in my blood and mind.
I just feel so confused. I feel like I do all these great things to get me ahead, yet I find someway to regress. It's like a nonstop, rapid paced game of Chutes and Latters, and unfortunately my gameboard has longer chutes than it does latters. Does anybody know a carpenter? :) Really though, I just need to figure out how to keep myself on top of this game. Fulltime. Not half time like I have been doing. I mean I've been doing all these crucial, amazing things. Speaking to people, allowing others into my life for the sake of themselves to learn and protect themselves, have completely changed my eating habits, everything. But the other half the time I'm drinking myself to oblivian, or beating myself up, or crying, or blaming, or having the pity-party of the year. It needs to stop. I keep telling myself it, but never doing it. So like I said earlier, I'm making a very bold change that many of you know will be hard for me, I'm completely quitting drinking. My mom, stepdad, and I all decided that some sort of outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I don't know if I'm a typical alcoholic, but I know that I have drinking problems. I know I need to stop. Maybe not forever, but definitely until my life is back to normal, and I can learn to stop at 2 or 3 drinks, instead of 7 or 8. I can't have another night like last night happening again, ever.
And I just broke up with my boyfriend. Seriously, as I was writing this blog, I found some shit out, and broke up with him. So I need to end it here. I'm in too much pain to talk about it tomorrow. I will try my hardest to update tomorrow, I'm just drowning in tears right now.
Suicide attempt? No. Cry for help? Most definitely. Right after I did it I went and told my sister, then things just flashed by. Police came, paramedics came, and I was whisked away in an ambulance. I spent the entire night in the hospital, had my stomach pumped, had a cathater (fucking OUCH), and the whole nine yards. Oh, and when they drew my blood, my blood alcohol level was .257, and that was more than an hour after I had stopped drinking. Why I'm still alive, I don't know. But I am blessed. What I did was extremely selfish, stupid, and inconsiderate. Enough of the gory details though, I really want to focus on how I felt, and how I feel now.
Trapped. That's exactly how I felt when I came to (yet still heavily intoxicated) at the hospital. I had to be held down in restraints. Somewhere in my delusions, I thought that I had been kidnapped. I dont' remember everything I did or said, but I remember exactly how I felt. I felt the most intense fear I have ever felt, I can still feel yet. I felt more helpless than ever. I didn't consciously realize where I was, and there was a security guard watching over me, so I thought I was being held captive. I ask myself now, are those feelings related to my HIV status? I feel captured right now. I feel helpless. It feels like it will never go away. Anyone who knows me well, knows I can be kind of a control freak. I very much things my way, but I try to compromise. It's because I like to handle things, I like to handle situations. And I can't handle this. I can't reach into my veins and pull this horrible virus out of me. I try, so hard I try. Just knowing that there's something inside of me that is multiplying and multiplying and multiplying. I can't control it. Yeah I can got in meds when I need to, and live a healthier lifestyle, etc. etc. etc. But, I can never just remove it from me. I feel I'm wearing the scarlet letter, forever embedded in my blood and mind.
I just feel so confused. I feel like I do all these great things to get me ahead, yet I find someway to regress. It's like a nonstop, rapid paced game of Chutes and Latters, and unfortunately my gameboard has longer chutes than it does latters. Does anybody know a carpenter? :) Really though, I just need to figure out how to keep myself on top of this game. Fulltime. Not half time like I have been doing. I mean I've been doing all these crucial, amazing things. Speaking to people, allowing others into my life for the sake of themselves to learn and protect themselves, have completely changed my eating habits, everything. But the other half the time I'm drinking myself to oblivian, or beating myself up, or crying, or blaming, or having the pity-party of the year. It needs to stop. I keep telling myself it, but never doing it. So like I said earlier, I'm making a very bold change that many of you know will be hard for me, I'm completely quitting drinking. My mom, stepdad, and I all decided that some sort of outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I don't know if I'm a typical alcoholic, but I know that I have drinking problems. I know I need to stop. Maybe not forever, but definitely until my life is back to normal, and I can learn to stop at 2 or 3 drinks, instead of 7 or 8. I can't have another night like last night happening again, ever.
And I just broke up with my boyfriend. Seriously, as I was writing this blog, I found some shit out, and broke up with him. So I need to end it here. I'm in too much pain to talk about it tomorrow. I will try my hardest to update tomorrow, I'm just drowning in tears right now.
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Hypochondriac, much??
Today I woke up feeling like hell. I've had a cough for the past couple weeks that usually is only when I wake up, but today I was coughing so hard that it hurt. Eventually it subsided but I still felt like crap. My first thought was OH NO! Being a pessimist, which I am trying to change, my first thought was what is it? Pneumosystis Pneumonia? Tuberculosis? Then after I took one of my anxiety pills I was able to ration that it's just a cold.
For those first few hours, though, alone in my apartment and scared, I thought the worst. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't know where I stand just yet in this fight. Maybe it's because some of the fears and worries that a certain case manager put in my head. Or maybe it's just the naiveness that comes with being newly diagnosed. Logically, I know I am not dying. I know I may never die from this. My emotions are not in balance those. It often seems like my logic side is in World War III with my emotional side. Sometimes logic wins a battle, other times, often times, emotion wins the battle. Thank god for Paxil and Klonopin or I would be a complete mess right now.
I almost feel as if I am one of those alcoholics who accept Jesus as their savior. Everything happens for Jesus this and Jesus that. Except everytime I have a cough, sneeze, or some stuffiness it's happening because of HIV. And while I know that's not true logically, as Garry (my mentor and savior) has grilled that into my brain, my emotions start running high and the fear rises. I know eventually that fear will subside and I will rationally be able to handle my worries. Until then I guess it's just a game of trying to convince myself that I am being a debbie downer and I need to think with my logic, and not my emotions.
P.S. Garry wrote a blog related to something I had to face by a certain case manager. Please take the time to read it @ http://spotu.wordpress.com/
also don't forget to help my AIDS walk group by either joining and committing to walking and raising money, or just donating whatever amount you can :) www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/nmorgan204
For those first few hours, though, alone in my apartment and scared, I thought the worst. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't know where I stand just yet in this fight. Maybe it's because some of the fears and worries that a certain case manager put in my head. Or maybe it's just the naiveness that comes with being newly diagnosed. Logically, I know I am not dying. I know I may never die from this. My emotions are not in balance those. It often seems like my logic side is in World War III with my emotional side. Sometimes logic wins a battle, other times, often times, emotion wins the battle. Thank god for Paxil and Klonopin or I would be a complete mess right now.
I almost feel as if I am one of those alcoholics who accept Jesus as their savior. Everything happens for Jesus this and Jesus that. Except everytime I have a cough, sneeze, or some stuffiness it's happening because of HIV. And while I know that's not true logically, as Garry (my mentor and savior) has grilled that into my brain, my emotions start running high and the fear rises. I know eventually that fear will subside and I will rationally be able to handle my worries. Until then I guess it's just a game of trying to convince myself that I am being a debbie downer and I need to think with my logic, and not my emotions.
P.S. Garry wrote a blog related to something I had to face by a certain case manager. Please take the time to read it @ http://spotu.wordpress.com/
also don't forget to help my AIDS walk group by either joining and committing to walking and raising money, or just donating whatever amount you can :) www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/nmorgan204
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Anxiety Nervosa
So I just got out of the weekly HIV+ support group that I go to, and for some reason I was very nervous during the meeting. I'm not sure why. Usually these weekly retreats reward me with information, life experiences, and new expectations. This week didn't fail to do that, but during the group I just had this feeling of nervousness. Maybe it's because I'm finally going to be getting my cell counts back in a couple weeks and it may seem more real then. I don't know. And I haven't gotten my Klonopin (anxiety medicine) refilled yet, so I wish I would have had one to take, but I got through it without going into a panic attack.
This group that I go to is so amazing for my well being. Although it ranges from people of all ages, all health statuses, people who have been living with HIV since it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency), it always seems to have an upbeat atmosphere. We talk about grim things, near death experiences that some of the group has gone through, T-Cell counts of ZERO, yet at the same time it is an outlet for all of us. I think each person learns something everytime the group lets out; Whether it's something new about the virus, something about life, or something about being younger or older (as the group varies in age range).
Right now I can tell from blogging a lot of the anxiety that I was feeling is dissapating. It always helps me to write or talk to others, not just think inside my head. I think that's why I was feeling so anxious today. I was doing a lot of thinking about myself, and not listening to what everybody had to say today, and that made me nervous. Everytime I heard the word "PCP pneumonia", "nightsweats", "kaposi sarcoma" I just had some vision of me going through one of those eventually. And although that may never happen because of the advanced medicine they have, I still felt this uneasiness with not having my T-Cell count or viral load back yet.
Well I have to go see my therapist now, so I hope after that I will feel 100% back up again. Please visit my donations page everybody http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204
it's very important to me. And I'm almost a little down because it's had 20 visits, but only 2 donations. Maybe everyone is just not ready to donate yet, but please try to give whatever you can. Like I said, anything $5 and above is amazing. I want to give an extra special shout out to the one and only MOLLY WOOOOODS for donating 50 bucks last night. She is a starving college student, as most of us are, but Molly, thank you so much. I know I told you you would only hear this once, but God Bless. There you have it writing.
This group that I go to is so amazing for my well being. Although it ranges from people of all ages, all health statuses, people who have been living with HIV since it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency), it always seems to have an upbeat atmosphere. We talk about grim things, near death experiences that some of the group has gone through, T-Cell counts of ZERO, yet at the same time it is an outlet for all of us. I think each person learns something everytime the group lets out; Whether it's something new about the virus, something about life, or something about being younger or older (as the group varies in age range).
Right now I can tell from blogging a lot of the anxiety that I was feeling is dissapating. It always helps me to write or talk to others, not just think inside my head. I think that's why I was feeling so anxious today. I was doing a lot of thinking about myself, and not listening to what everybody had to say today, and that made me nervous. Everytime I heard the word "PCP pneumonia", "nightsweats", "kaposi sarcoma" I just had some vision of me going through one of those eventually. And although that may never happen because of the advanced medicine they have, I still felt this uneasiness with not having my T-Cell count or viral load back yet.
Well I have to go see my therapist now, so I hope after that I will feel 100% back up again. Please visit my donations page everybody http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204
it's very important to me. And I'm almost a little down because it's had 20 visits, but only 2 donations. Maybe everyone is just not ready to donate yet, but please try to give whatever you can. Like I said, anything $5 and above is amazing. I want to give an extra special shout out to the one and only MOLLY WOOOOODS for donating 50 bucks last night. She is a starving college student, as most of us are, but Molly, thank you so much. I know I told you you would only hear this once, but God Bless. There you have it writing.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Doctor's Visit and More
So it is been 4 weeks since my diagnosis and I finally had some real leadway in the beginning of my treatment. I went in and got my blood drawn (5 freaking vials of it), got chest x-rays, took a TB test, and a full STD test. I also was approved for ADAP which is AIDS Drug Assistance Program, which covers a variety of things for me. Overall, it was quite an experience.
I was very nervous to go in there today. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew it would be nothing less than interesting. I'm never one to fear needles or blood, but they took quite a bit of it so that kind of worried me. But they have several tests to run, and it takes a lot of expensive work to figure out what my viral load and T-Cell count. I'm hoping for the best, so please keep your fingers crossed. It will be two weeks until I get concrete counts back, but I will feel much more reassured as soon as I get the results back. Either that or I will be devestated. I'm hoping for a T-Cell count of at least 400. Which is lower than a normal, healthy adult, but still not too bad. Anything below, 350 will come as a shock as to me. It's scary to think that a few months ago I had only seen the phrases "T-Cell count" and "Viral Load" just a few times. Now they are common day words for me that I think and speak about on a daily basis.
BREAKING NEWS: I have finally formed my donations page for the AIDS walk. It is a very important cause that I will be participating in me, and if you are behind me in this I really need you to donate whatever you can. Anything over $5 dollars makes me eterenally grateful to you! My group goal is 10,000 big ones. I know I can do it with the help of everybody. That is why it is important for you to SPREAD THE WORD. If you would like to join my page you can do it on the website. It costs $25 dollars to join my team, but it all goes to the Long Beach AIDS walk collection. None if it is used for the website sponsering my page. If you don't want to commit that much, that fine, but please give the link to people. Tell them "I have a really good friend Nick. He's a 21 year old motivated college student who unfortunately found out he is HIV+. He is raising money for the AIDS walk in Long Beach, and it would be great if you could help it." We need to virally network. A goes to B and C, B goes to D, E, F, while C goes to H, I, J, and K. It's simple like that. With the economy the way it is, it is important to get as many sponsers as possible, because people will not be donating as much money this year. At last, the website is http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204
It would mean so much to me if you would do it. It was so hard to hear those words "Nick, I'm so sorry, but you showed up peliminary positive," but it has shaped me in so many ways. While I have battled the anxiety, anxiousness, fear, and depression that comes with finding out you are Young and Positive, I have also felt inspired, motivated, and driven. I have this fire burning inside of me right now. I want that fire to burn in all of you, just hopefully not the same way it started in me. Everyday I feel a different emotion. Today was a rather good day. Although the labwork was intimidating, I got a lot done and I feel accomplished.
I also have some more info on the speaking engagement in which I will be a panel member at. It is a HIV/AIDS Awareness panel mainly geared towards the Latin community, but everyone is welcome to come as it is a fight we all fight together. Women, men, gay, straight, bi, latin, black, white, blue, whatever. Even cat's have a from of "kitty aids". So bring your cat. Actually, don't. Haha. It will be Wednesday March 25th, 2009 from 5-7 PM at the University Student Union Room 205. If you work with me, please take it off work and come see me speak and a learn something or two. I'm going to be nervous, definitely, so some support from my fellow Chiliheads would be fabulous.
I'm going to finish it up for the night. Thank you for reading!!!!! I love all ya guys. Give me some feedback please! And most importantly: http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204
I was very nervous to go in there today. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew it would be nothing less than interesting. I'm never one to fear needles or blood, but they took quite a bit of it so that kind of worried me. But they have several tests to run, and it takes a lot of expensive work to figure out what my viral load and T-Cell count. I'm hoping for the best, so please keep your fingers crossed. It will be two weeks until I get concrete counts back, but I will feel much more reassured as soon as I get the results back. Either that or I will be devestated. I'm hoping for a T-Cell count of at least 400. Which is lower than a normal, healthy adult, but still not too bad. Anything below, 350 will come as a shock as to me. It's scary to think that a few months ago I had only seen the phrases "T-Cell count" and "Viral Load" just a few times. Now they are common day words for me that I think and speak about on a daily basis.
BREAKING NEWS: I have finally formed my donations page for the AIDS walk. It is a very important cause that I will be participating in me, and if you are behind me in this I really need you to donate whatever you can. Anything over $5 dollars makes me eterenally grateful to you! My group goal is 10,000 big ones. I know I can do it with the help of everybody. That is why it is important for you to SPREAD THE WORD. If you would like to join my page you can do it on the website. It costs $25 dollars to join my team, but it all goes to the Long Beach AIDS walk collection. None if it is used for the website sponsering my page. If you don't want to commit that much, that fine, but please give the link to people. Tell them "I have a really good friend Nick. He's a 21 year old motivated college student who unfortunately found out he is HIV+. He is raising money for the AIDS walk in Long Beach, and it would be great if you could help it." We need to virally network. A goes to B and C, B goes to D, E, F, while C goes to H, I, J, and K. It's simple like that. With the economy the way it is, it is important to get as many sponsers as possible, because people will not be donating as much money this year. At last, the website is http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204
It would mean so much to me if you would do it. It was so hard to hear those words "Nick, I'm so sorry, but you showed up peliminary positive," but it has shaped me in so many ways. While I have battled the anxiety, anxiousness, fear, and depression that comes with finding out you are Young and Positive, I have also felt inspired, motivated, and driven. I have this fire burning inside of me right now. I want that fire to burn in all of you, just hopefully not the same way it started in me. Everyday I feel a different emotion. Today was a rather good day. Although the labwork was intimidating, I got a lot done and I feel accomplished.
I also have some more info on the speaking engagement in which I will be a panel member at. It is a HIV/AIDS Awareness panel mainly geared towards the Latin community, but everyone is welcome to come as it is a fight we all fight together. Women, men, gay, straight, bi, latin, black, white, blue, whatever. Even cat's have a from of "kitty aids". So bring your cat. Actually, don't. Haha. It will be Wednesday March 25th, 2009 from 5-7 PM at the University Student Union Room 205. If you work with me, please take it off work and come see me speak and a learn something or two. I'm going to be nervous, definitely, so some support from my fellow Chiliheads would be fabulous.
I'm going to finish it up for the night. Thank you for reading!!!!! I love all ya guys. Give me some feedback please! And most importantly: http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204
Monday, March 2, 2009
Are you there L.A.? It's me, Margaret.
First of all, let me start off by saying that as of MARCH 1ST, 2009, Lifetime TV is now being boycotted by me, and I urge all of you to do the same! They freaking took the Golden Girls off! How do you take the Golden Girls off? And even worse, do you know who they replaced her with?? MORE EPISODES of that Red Headed Slut Reba MacenWhiteTrash. Like the world REALLY needs any more episodes of Reba....ugh sorry I just had to get that out!
Anyways, so L.A. (or Long Beach really) doesn't really seem like L.A. today. Yesterday was 85 and beautiful and sunny, and today is just gray. Not even raining. It never seems like that here. It's either nice and sunny out, or it's pouring down. It is barely ever just gray outside. I feel like I'm back in Tracy (where I will be back on the 26th!)
So I get my blood drawn finally tomorrow so I can get my T-Cell count and Viral load in two weeks and find out where I stand. I'll think that will create some grounding for myself because right now it's kind of all in the air. I think that's why my emotions are very up and down right now, is because I don't have anything concrete to work off of, just the fact that I know I am HIV+.
I have been having some fear though lately. I hope they don't want to put me on meds right away. That will make it all seem much more real, and I am scared of that. For the past few years, they haven't been putting people on meds until they get below 350 T-Cell count, but now they are finding it is more beneficiary to put people on meds sooner than that. When I found out I was positive, my first goal was to hopefully not need meds until I graduate college. But if that doesn't happen, then so be it, I know it's all for the best. It's just a fear that I have to overcome in the mean time.
Other than that, I don't have much to say today. I have a busy day tomorrow. Between going to see my shrink (Dr. HappyPills), meeting with my case manager, volunteering, and getting my blood drawn, I will have PLENTY to talk about :)
Please visit http://www.blogtv.com/people/spotu_tv to see the Tenacity For Teens. And my donation page is currently under construction so that will be out in a couple of days or a week. Alright have a goo done you guys, check back tomorrow!!!
Anyways, so L.A. (or Long Beach really) doesn't really seem like L.A. today. Yesterday was 85 and beautiful and sunny, and today is just gray. Not even raining. It never seems like that here. It's either nice and sunny out, or it's pouring down. It is barely ever just gray outside. I feel like I'm back in Tracy (where I will be back on the 26th!)
So I get my blood drawn finally tomorrow so I can get my T-Cell count and Viral load in two weeks and find out where I stand. I'll think that will create some grounding for myself because right now it's kind of all in the air. I think that's why my emotions are very up and down right now, is because I don't have anything concrete to work off of, just the fact that I know I am HIV+.
I have been having some fear though lately. I hope they don't want to put me on meds right away. That will make it all seem much more real, and I am scared of that. For the past few years, they haven't been putting people on meds until they get below 350 T-Cell count, but now they are finding it is more beneficiary to put people on meds sooner than that. When I found out I was positive, my first goal was to hopefully not need meds until I graduate college. But if that doesn't happen, then so be it, I know it's all for the best. It's just a fear that I have to overcome in the mean time.
Other than that, I don't have much to say today. I have a busy day tomorrow. Between going to see my shrink (Dr. HappyPills), meeting with my case manager, volunteering, and getting my blood drawn, I will have PLENTY to talk about :)
Please visit http://www.blogtv.com/people/spotu_tv to see the Tenacity For Teens. And my donation page is currently under construction so that will be out in a couple of days or a week. Alright have a goo done you guys, check back tomorrow!!!
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Being Positive, Living Positive
So, today I did something for the first time, something that only a month ago most of you would have thought I would never do. Not only did I do it; I did it for 9 hours straight. The big V-word. No, not Vagina....god knows I would never do that :) But VOLUNTEER WORK. I started today and I have to say I feel more rewarded inside today then I do anytime I ever come home from Chili's or any other job. I am actually going to be volunteering 12 hours a week at the Long Beach AIDS Foundation. Right now our main focus is getting prepped for the Long Beach 5k AIDS walk. I'm starting a team, and I am building a donation page. I will let everyone know more about it when it gets off the ground, but if everyone could donate something, $5, 10$, whatever it will help SO MUCH. It's a great cause, the money raised goes directly to helping the HIV/AIDS community, with less than 10% being used to cover the expenses of fundraising, which is a phenominally low percentage. I learned today that most of the people out there ringing bells in front of stores for donations make more money than the cause in which they are raising for. 60 cents of ever dollar donated to those causes are to pay the people standing out there, while the foundation raising the money only sees 40 cents. Your dollar will go MUCH, MUCH further with any donations you can provide. Also, being 21 and just finding out I am HIV+, you can imagine how much this cause now impacts me, as it also impacts those close to me who have been affected emotionally by my diagnosis. Alright, enough commercialization. Don't worry though, there will be plenty more soon enough!
So for those of you who I haven't talked to lately, or on a regular basis, I want you to be assured that I am mentally/emotionally okay now. I spent my few days breaking down, a few more picking back up the pieces, and then a day or two deciding where to go from there. I decided that I want to take a very proactive role in battling this. It is the coping method I adopted because I know it will work. I feel more motivated than I ever have to really make an impact. I have already had several meetings with HIV counselors, went to a few different HIV+ groups (including one for people in my age range who have been newly diagnosed), I will be speaking at an HIV panel on campus, I am planning to start an HIV-awareness group on campus, and I plan to venture out to other opportunites in order to educate, reassure, and raise awareness. It is surprising that in Long Beach, which has the 2nd highest transmission rate in CA, there are very few support groups or awareness groups. And the ones that are here don't even meet on a regular basis for the most part. I think that's ridiculous that on a campus of 40,000 people CSULB does not have a HIV-awareness group.
Here are some stats to startle you, as found at CDC.gov:
% of 13-29 year olds NEWLY diagnosed with HIV in 2006: 28.3% of all new diagnosis that year
% of NEWLY diagnosed with HIV in 2006 based on sexual preference: GAY-49% Straight-33% The rest were IV drug users...
% of 15-24 who ARE HIV+ that DO NOT know that they are so: 48%
Crazy statistics. Those, mixed with my own diagnoses, is why I want to WORK for the cause, instead of letting HIV work me over. Alright it's bedtime. Please, think about those statisics though, and remember them when you are about to have sex with someone who doesn't want to use a condom.
Monday, February 23, 2009
In Retrospect: February 4th, 2009 4:53 PM
Date: 2/04/09
Time: 4:53 PM PST
Place: Long Beach Health Department
"I'm so sorry Nick, your test showed up preliminary positive," the testing clinician sorrowfully declared.
Being a born-again college student, my first thought was: "YES!!! I finally passed a test in which I did not have to study for!" My next thought: "FUCK! This wasn't the test that I wanted to pass. This was the one I had hoped for over a year to fail miserably at."
Then it set in: There was a 99.3% chance that I was HIV Positive. That's when I broke down. I asked the nurse to leave the room so I could make a couple phone calls. The first one, tearfully, was to Caitlin. In a moment's response I heard, "Oh baby I am so sorry. I'm getting in my car right now." Mind you, Caitlin lives exactly 282 miles (according to Google Maps) from her apartment to mine. Caitlin, I hope you are reading this. That is the single most important act of kindness anyone has ever shown me. I am eternally grateful for that.
The next call I made, still in full shock and tears, was to my manager Jackie. I am blessed to have transferred to the Chili's she works at, for she was able to provide me with so many great resources in the minutes, hours, and days to follow. Jackie has been the angel on my shoulder that, each time my chin drops in self-pity, jabs me with her heavenly pitchfork and says, "Keep your head up! You are a strong motherfucker and you know it!"
The point of this blog is not to bore you with self-centered stories about how much the past 3 weeks have changed my life. I use this simple story to convey to everyone where I plan to go in the days, weeks, and months to follow. I have two prerogatives in starting my blog. The most important one is for me. An outlet where I can vent the roller coaster of emotions that have been on non-stop overdrive since that Wednesday I will never forgot. But it also for you, of course. To inform, educate, inspire, and reassure.
I had never knowingly met an HIV positive individual until I came home on Wednesday February 4th, 2009 and looked in the mirror. I looked at myself, my healthy 21-year old normal looking self and repeated, "I am Nick. I am HIV positive," as if I were at an AA meeting. I then laid on my couch and cried, for hours and hours.
Feeling no shame about who I am or what has transpired over the past 21 years of my life, I have told many of you that I am HIV positive. Not because I have some delirious feeling to tell the entire world, but because I think it is important that people realize HIV/AIDS is not an old, gay man disease that people only got in the 1980's. It is targeting the youth of America (15-24 years of age) at extremely high levels; of that group, 48% of American youth between 15 and 24 years of age who are HIV+ do not know so. There are many reasons for that, and I will get into that issue in future blogs. For the people who have not heard about this happening to me until you read this post, please reassure yourself that I AM OKAY. I am strong. I am proactive. My life has transformed drastically in the past 19 days, but mentally I know I can battle this. And I am so grateful for the love of my life, Daniel (who showed up NEGATIVE for those curious about his status; thank god for that!) He is my support system, he is with me 99.9%. The missing 0.1% is because he, nor any other HIV- individual, will ever be able to understand what it is like to really find out you are positive, and have to accept it.
Just because I am HIV positive, does not mean I understand what it's like to have cancer, diabetes, asthma, or any other debilitating diseases. Nor does anyone, unless they go through it themselves. That is a bold statement, especially to people who have watched their loved ones die from cancer, diabetes, etc. But, I watched my Grandma suffer for 12 years from Alzheimer's at all stages. And while, I have an understanding of her and the disease, there is no way I could possibly infiltrate her mind to comprehend what is really happening and how she is feeling.
Anyways, this is my first posting; there will be MANY, MANY more to come. Please stay tuned, and check back.
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