YOU stole my identity. YOU took everything away from me that I had going. YOU knew you were infected, yet didn't bother to tell me. YOU were playing Russian roulette with my life, and I lost. Lady GaGa said it right: "Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun." Yeah, it would probably be a lot less painful.
But I've located YOU. YOU weren't smart enough to change YOUR number. I went all Encyclopedia Brown on YOUR ass and was able to find you. It's been a number of years, a few guys, one long relationship, and a hell of a road. But I know now. I know what I have. I know what YOU did it to me. And I'm going to give your info to the right people, investigators, so they can do whatever they have to do to YOU. Press charges, prosecute, whatever. I don't care. As long as you feel an ounce of the pain that I have, I'll be happy.
I'm not one for revenge. I've held my grudges in the past, but have learned that they are unhealthy. How could I ever forgive YOU though? YOU knew what you were doing when I didn't. YOU had at least 15 years on me, YOU knew the good sides of life and the dark sides. I was 19. Young, naive, reckless. Alcohol was my best friend. Cocaine was even a little bit closer of a friend. I thought I was being young and having fun. YOU knew my vulnerability. And YOU sprung upon it. YOU tore me apart while I was having fun, only to silently work YOUR way back into my life through my T-Cells. I left YOUR house, YOUR bedroom that last day. Yet YOU never left me. YOU never will. As I live the rest of my long, adventurous life, the HIV YOU gave me, will forever multiply, go dormant, yet still be resilient if I miss my medication.
Are YOU happy?
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies
I can't believe it. Almost two years, and I'm single again. It hurts . I'm not going to go into the gory details of why we broke up, but he hurt me. Very bad. I'm heartbroken right now. I feel as if I'm already on the ground, especially with all that going on in my life, and he had the nerve to break my heart. Smash it into 1,000 pieces. Or for my RENT fans, he smashed it into five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred pieces. haha....sorry I always need a little bit of humor. Even when I'm down and out, and I'm on my last leg, I need some humor.
I didn't know if I was going to be with him forever. I'm not one of those cliche people who "omg we are gonna be together forever". I try to live for the moment, and for the near future. I'm a realist, and try not to set my expectations too high. But I never ever in a million years, or five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred years for that matter ;) thought it would end like this. It's just painful and crushing. I have a tire iron on my chest crushing me trying to squeeze all the strength it can out of me, but I'm stronger than that. I know I need to focus on myself right now. Not on guys, not on drama, not on anything other than making sure I'm getting back to top shape. Acceptance is a fucking bitch. On top of me accepting the fact that I have HIV, I have to accept the fact that now I'm on my own. My heart belongs to me again, someone doesn't have half of it by a death grip.
I miss him. I miss him so much. And it's only been a day. And I will miss him until the day that I die, but I am just in so much pain. It's okay to miss somebody that you hate for the time being. I know that it takes two to tango, and everything was not his fault. I know I had my faults in our relationship, but I've learned a lot from them. I just pray there are other people out there who can deal with me. like he did. Before I was on anti-depressants I was a raging bitch, and he put up with it every single day. I know he loves me. I know his instinct isn't to hurt me, but his instinct isn't to give me everything I need right now. His instinct is himself, and right now, that's what my instinct needs to me, what is good for Nick Morgan.
I didn't know if I was going to be with him forever. I'm not one of those cliche people who "omg we are gonna be together forever". I try to live for the moment, and for the near future. I'm a realist, and try not to set my expectations too high. But I never ever in a million years, or five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred years for that matter ;) thought it would end like this. It's just painful and crushing. I have a tire iron on my chest crushing me trying to squeeze all the strength it can out of me, but I'm stronger than that. I know I need to focus on myself right now. Not on guys, not on drama, not on anything other than making sure I'm getting back to top shape. Acceptance is a fucking bitch. On top of me accepting the fact that I have HIV, I have to accept the fact that now I'm on my own. My heart belongs to me again, someone doesn't have half of it by a death grip.
I miss him. I miss him so much. And it's only been a day. And I will miss him until the day that I die, but I am just in so much pain. It's okay to miss somebody that you hate for the time being. I know that it takes two to tango, and everything was not his fault. I know I had my faults in our relationship, but I've learned a lot from them. I just pray there are other people out there who can deal with me. like he did. Before I was on anti-depressants I was a raging bitch, and he put up with it every single day. I know he loves me. I know his instinct isn't to hurt me, but his instinct isn't to give me everything I need right now. His instinct is himself, and right now, that's what my instinct needs to me, what is good for Nick Morgan.
Rock Bottom
I'm quitting drinking. I mean it. No more alcohol, it is toxic to me. Last night I was out having drinks (5 Tanquery Martinis and a Blojob shot) to be exact. When I got home, for some reason in my drunken state, I became extremely upset and depressed. I did the dumbest thing imaginable: I swallowed all my Paxil, Klonopin, and Trazadone. Great mix, right? A anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, and sleeping pill massive cocktail.
Suicide attempt? No. Cry for help? Most definitely. Right after I did it I went and told my sister, then things just flashed by. Police came, paramedics came, and I was whisked away in an ambulance. I spent the entire night in the hospital, had my stomach pumped, had a cathater (fucking OUCH), and the whole nine yards. Oh, and when they drew my blood, my blood alcohol level was .257, and that was more than an hour after I had stopped drinking. Why I'm still alive, I don't know. But I am blessed. What I did was extremely selfish, stupid, and inconsiderate. Enough of the gory details though, I really want to focus on how I felt, and how I feel now.
Trapped. That's exactly how I felt when I came to (yet still heavily intoxicated) at the hospital. I had to be held down in restraints. Somewhere in my delusions, I thought that I had been kidnapped. I dont' remember everything I did or said, but I remember exactly how I felt. I felt the most intense fear I have ever felt, I can still feel yet. I felt more helpless than ever. I didn't consciously realize where I was, and there was a security guard watching over me, so I thought I was being held captive. I ask myself now, are those feelings related to my HIV status? I feel captured right now. I feel helpless. It feels like it will never go away. Anyone who knows me well, knows I can be kind of a control freak. I very much things my way, but I try to compromise. It's because I like to handle things, I like to handle situations. And I can't handle this. I can't reach into my veins and pull this horrible virus out of me. I try, so hard I try. Just knowing that there's something inside of me that is multiplying and multiplying and multiplying. I can't control it. Yeah I can got in meds when I need to, and live a healthier lifestyle, etc. etc. etc. But, I can never just remove it from me. I feel I'm wearing the scarlet letter, forever embedded in my blood and mind.
I just feel so confused. I feel like I do all these great things to get me ahead, yet I find someway to regress. It's like a nonstop, rapid paced game of Chutes and Latters, and unfortunately my gameboard has longer chutes than it does latters. Does anybody know a carpenter? :) Really though, I just need to figure out how to keep myself on top of this game. Fulltime. Not half time like I have been doing. I mean I've been doing all these crucial, amazing things. Speaking to people, allowing others into my life for the sake of themselves to learn and protect themselves, have completely changed my eating habits, everything. But the other half the time I'm drinking myself to oblivian, or beating myself up, or crying, or blaming, or having the pity-party of the year. It needs to stop. I keep telling myself it, but never doing it. So like I said earlier, I'm making a very bold change that many of you know will be hard for me, I'm completely quitting drinking. My mom, stepdad, and I all decided that some sort of outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I don't know if I'm a typical alcoholic, but I know that I have drinking problems. I know I need to stop. Maybe not forever, but definitely until my life is back to normal, and I can learn to stop at 2 or 3 drinks, instead of 7 or 8. I can't have another night like last night happening again, ever.
And I just broke up with my boyfriend. Seriously, as I was writing this blog, I found some shit out, and broke up with him. So I need to end it here. I'm in too much pain to talk about it tomorrow. I will try my hardest to update tomorrow, I'm just drowning in tears right now.
Suicide attempt? No. Cry for help? Most definitely. Right after I did it I went and told my sister, then things just flashed by. Police came, paramedics came, and I was whisked away in an ambulance. I spent the entire night in the hospital, had my stomach pumped, had a cathater (fucking OUCH), and the whole nine yards. Oh, and when they drew my blood, my blood alcohol level was .257, and that was more than an hour after I had stopped drinking. Why I'm still alive, I don't know. But I am blessed. What I did was extremely selfish, stupid, and inconsiderate. Enough of the gory details though, I really want to focus on how I felt, and how I feel now.
Trapped. That's exactly how I felt when I came to (yet still heavily intoxicated) at the hospital. I had to be held down in restraints. Somewhere in my delusions, I thought that I had been kidnapped. I dont' remember everything I did or said, but I remember exactly how I felt. I felt the most intense fear I have ever felt, I can still feel yet. I felt more helpless than ever. I didn't consciously realize where I was, and there was a security guard watching over me, so I thought I was being held captive. I ask myself now, are those feelings related to my HIV status? I feel captured right now. I feel helpless. It feels like it will never go away. Anyone who knows me well, knows I can be kind of a control freak. I very much things my way, but I try to compromise. It's because I like to handle things, I like to handle situations. And I can't handle this. I can't reach into my veins and pull this horrible virus out of me. I try, so hard I try. Just knowing that there's something inside of me that is multiplying and multiplying and multiplying. I can't control it. Yeah I can got in meds when I need to, and live a healthier lifestyle, etc. etc. etc. But, I can never just remove it from me. I feel I'm wearing the scarlet letter, forever embedded in my blood and mind.
I just feel so confused. I feel like I do all these great things to get me ahead, yet I find someway to regress. It's like a nonstop, rapid paced game of Chutes and Latters, and unfortunately my gameboard has longer chutes than it does latters. Does anybody know a carpenter? :) Really though, I just need to figure out how to keep myself on top of this game. Fulltime. Not half time like I have been doing. I mean I've been doing all these crucial, amazing things. Speaking to people, allowing others into my life for the sake of themselves to learn and protect themselves, have completely changed my eating habits, everything. But the other half the time I'm drinking myself to oblivian, or beating myself up, or crying, or blaming, or having the pity-party of the year. It needs to stop. I keep telling myself it, but never doing it. So like I said earlier, I'm making a very bold change that many of you know will be hard for me, I'm completely quitting drinking. My mom, stepdad, and I all decided that some sort of outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I don't know if I'm a typical alcoholic, but I know that I have drinking problems. I know I need to stop. Maybe not forever, but definitely until my life is back to normal, and I can learn to stop at 2 or 3 drinks, instead of 7 or 8. I can't have another night like last night happening again, ever.
And I just broke up with my boyfriend. Seriously, as I was writing this blog, I found some shit out, and broke up with him. So I need to end it here. I'm in too much pain to talk about it tomorrow. I will try my hardest to update tomorrow, I'm just drowning in tears right now.
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