Rock Bottom

I'm quitting drinking. I mean it. No more alcohol, it is toxic to me. Last night I was out having drinks (5 Tanquery Martinis and a Blojob shot) to be exact. When I got home, for some reason in my drunken state, I became extremely upset and depressed. I did the dumbest thing imaginable: I swallowed all my Paxil, Klonopin, and Trazadone. Great mix, right? A anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, and sleeping pill massive cocktail.

Suicide attempt? No. Cry for help? Most definitely. Right after I did it I went and told my sister, then things just flashed by. Police came, paramedics came, and I was whisked away in an ambulance. I spent the entire night in the hospital, had my stomach pumped, had a cathater (fucking OUCH), and the whole nine yards. Oh, and when they drew my blood, my blood alcohol level was .257, and that was more than an hour after I had stopped drinking. Why I'm still alive, I don't know. But I am blessed. What I did was extremely selfish, stupid, and inconsiderate. Enough of the gory details though, I really want to focus on how I felt, and how I feel now.

Trapped. That's exactly how I felt when I came to (yet still heavily intoxicated) at the hospital. I had to be held down in restraints. Somewhere in my delusions, I thought that I had been kidnapped. I dont' remember everything I did or said, but I remember exactly how I felt. I felt the most intense fear I have ever felt, I can still feel yet. I felt more helpless than ever. I didn't consciously realize where I was, and there was a security guard watching over me, so I thought I was being held captive. I ask myself now, are those feelings related to my HIV status? I feel captured right now. I feel helpless. It feels like it will never go away. Anyone who knows me well, knows I can be kind of a control freak. I very much things my way, but I try to compromise. It's because I like to handle things, I like to handle situations. And I can't handle this. I can't reach into my veins and pull this horrible virus out of me. I try, so hard I try. Just knowing that there's something inside of me that is multiplying and multiplying and multiplying. I can't control it. Yeah I can got in meds when I need to, and live a healthier lifestyle, etc. etc. etc. But, I can never just remove it from me. I feel I'm wearing the scarlet letter, forever embedded in my blood and mind.

I just feel so confused. I feel like I do all these great things to get me ahead, yet I find someway to regress. It's like a nonstop, rapid paced game of Chutes and Latters, and unfortunately my gameboard has longer chutes than it does latters. Does anybody know a carpenter? :) Really though, I just need to figure out how to keep myself on top of this game. Fulltime. Not half time like I have been doing. I mean I've been doing all these crucial, amazing things. Speaking to people, allowing others into my life for the sake of themselves to learn and protect themselves, have completely changed my eating habits, everything. But the other half the time I'm drinking myself to oblivian, or beating myself up, or crying, or blaming, or having the pity-party of the year. It needs to stop. I keep telling myself it, but never doing it. So like I said earlier, I'm making a very bold change that many of you know will be hard for me, I'm completely quitting drinking. My mom, stepdad, and I all decided that some sort of outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I don't know if I'm a typical alcoholic, but I know that I have drinking problems. I know I need to stop. Maybe not forever, but definitely until my life is back to normal, and I can learn to stop at 2 or 3 drinks, instead of 7 or 8. I can't have another night like last night happening again, ever.

And I just broke up with my boyfriend. Seriously, as I was writing this blog, I found some shit out, and broke up with him. So I need to end it here. I'm in too much pain to talk about it tomorrow. I will try my hardest to update tomorrow, I'm just drowning in tears right now.