I feel..

So I've been told I often talk about what I am doing, and not enough of what I am feeling. So tonight I'm dedicating my entry to only what I am feeling...Read ahead.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I have stepped into a new world, one in which I was not prepared for. I feel as though I have not made the best decisions since my diagnosis, relying too much on emotion, and too little on intelligence. I feel as if I buried myself in situations, dedications, and expectations that I am not capable of managing to the best of my abilities. I feel that I wish I could have a few more months off of life, yet I feel that I should have never taken as much time off from it as I did. I feel overwhelmed.

I feel new horizons broadening. I feel as though the sun is setting on many aspects, friendships, and endeavors in my life, yet there are so many other things opening up. I feel as if the friendships I have had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with are so much more real than the friendships I used to make. I feel as if the crowd of people I have chosen to surround myself with hold better values about themselves, and I respect that. I feel I have strayed away from the hard partier's, the all-to-often hungover people, and those who do not have common goals as myself. I feel as if I view goals in a different light. I feel as though I have a clearer view of the things I wish to do with my life, the people I wish to encounter, and the rewards I wish to obtain through hard work. I feel new horizons broadening.

I feel pressured more than ever. I feel that disappointment and failure is no longer acceptable, and that it is time to buck up and get some real shit done. I feel that I have let many people down. I feel that those who weren't really my friends have lost hope in me, while the people who really care have held out and tried to support me. I feel as though many people don't understand what I am going through, and that sometimes creates a strain on our friendship. I feel that I have many less friends than i did a year ago, but I feel more love and acceptance in my life. I feel that I do not want to let these people down, I want them to be happy that we are friends, and find satisfaction in our relationship. At the same time, I feel pressured more than ever.