Goodbye Long Beach

I know I've been quiet lately. It's not that I have forgotten about my blog. It started because of a personal reason that I'm not yet ready to disclose, despite Garry urging me to, I just can't talk about it yet. But the silence has continued for a while because I just have been at a loss for words when it comes to my blog. I have sat here for 15, 20, 30 minutes at a time and have tried to get everything out I have needed to say. But when I go to gather my feelings and thoughts and articulate them, I get writer's block. Writer's block of the feelings. But I know I need to keep up with this. For me, for you, for everyone. So I am trying to become stable with my feelings.

Lately I've just been feeling more self-pity. I've been beating myself up mentally more, withdrawing from my inner self, and letting time pass me by. I don't know why, depression maybe? I have definitely been feeling not as strong as I did at first, or even a few weeks ago. I've been mentally and physically exhausted, even if I get 10 hours of sleep that night. It's been hard to get myself out of bed in the morning sometimes. I know that needs to stop. And it will. The range of emotions I have felt since D-Day (Feb. 4th) have been such a spectacle. I have learned to appreciate life and become a better person, yet at the same time I've been falling apart inside and fighting life. I have been damning it as much as I have been appreciating it. I've been laughing a little bit harder, yet crying more than ever. I have this burning strength to share my story, educate others, yet this fear of every decision I make. I feel like I am holding my life in the palm of my hand, like a snow globe, and just watching it.

Guilt. I hate guilt. But I have been feeling it so much lately. I feel like the world is getting the best of me, and I'm a spring that has not even had the chance to be sprung. I know I'm in such a good situation though. With my family, friends, support groups, knowledge, everything. I know I'm on top of the virus, I have it by the throat and I'm fighting it. My logic tells me that, yet my emotion still defeats my logic, and I cave in all too often.

345. 40,000. What are those? Numbers, right? Just simple numbers. But they are 2 numbers I will forever always remember. I got my T-Cell count and my viral load back last week. My T-Cell (good immune system cells) were 345. What does that mean? Well it means if the next few blood draws stay below 500 I can expect to be on medication in the next 6 months. And from there, for the rest of my life. Granted they have made fabulous advancements in treatments and medications, it's still an acceptance issue. Accepting the fact that a little pill, the size of my ever-so-dear Paxil (which keeps me sane!), will play a big part in keeping me ALIVE and HEALTHY. 40,000. What number is that? Well, that is my viral load count. How much virus is in a unit of my blood. Although 40,000 sounds like such a high number, in this battle it isn't THAT bad. Some people have viral loads of 500,000, a million. One lady I met today, probably one of the bravest women I have ever met, had a viral load count of 33,000,000 at one point. The fact that she is still living and breathing is a blessing. Once I start medication, my viral load will probably go down to undetectable (less than 48 viral load count) within a month or two. Scared. That's exactly how I felt after hearing those numbers. It just made everything all so real. It also gave me a jumping off point too though. I have numbers I can rely on now, and work for to improve. But still, scared. Scared of the fact that I will have to live my life dedicated to one or more pills until a cure is found or I die.

Anyways, back to the title of this post. Tonight is my last night in Long Beach. As Mark from RENT would say, "From here on out I shoot without a script." That is how I feel. I am so excited to get back to Tracy. No more ghetto, no more waiting tables on some of the most rude and ignorant people I have ever met, no more public transportation and college starvation. I get a retreat to a former place. See former faces. I don't yet know if I will move back to Long Beach or stay up in NorCal for college. I will miss Long Beach. I have learned so much about life since I moved down here last July. I have learned to struggle, learned to rely on myself, learned to rely on other people, learned to live with somebody I love, learned to laugh, live, and cry hard. It is hard to separate the feelings of me going back home and giving up. I know I am not giving up. But part of me feels like it. I worked so hard to get down here, get back in college, pay the bills, everything. But I know it's not healthy for me. Too many opportunities to party hard, live unhealthy, and miss my friends and FAMILY way too much. I need a slower lifestyle, for my own sanity. I am so very excited about working at Chili's in Tracy again too. I miss that store, crew, and management team dearly. They are all so wonderful, and it will be like seeing long lost family members again.

But to everyone who has helped me out here, thank you so much. Especially to Daniel, my boyfriend. You have kept me alive. I have put you through some shit, angry times, disappointment, everything. Yet you still stand beside me. Thank you! Garry, you have also kept me alive. If I had not had the chance to come into your life, yet still have been HIV positive, I don't know where I would be right now. I don't even know if I would be alive right now. You have been real, blunt, and insightful. All of the Chili's Long Beach team, you guys are amazing. Stephen we have had some crazy nights, Jackie you held me up when I wanted to fall, everyone. Andrew you hugged me when I just sat there at 24 one night and cried because I felt like giving up. I will miss you dearly. I can't possibly mention everyone, but you will all be in my mind tomorrow evening as I watch Long Beach disappear in my rear view mirror. But it's not goodbye. I'll be back. Actually, as soon as next week because I have a doctor's appointment. haha. You guys can't get rid of me. But honestly, thank you everyone. Please keep reading this. Especially if I am leaving you. So you know how I'm doing, and let me know how you are doing! Please. I hope the best for everyone, and I look forward to seeing all of you soon.

The only one that ever knew me., Merlot...

so many feelings, so little time

Hypochondriac, much??

Today I woke up feeling like hell. I've had a cough for the past couple weeks that usually is only when I wake up, but today I was coughing so hard that it hurt. Eventually it subsided but I still felt like crap. My first thought was OH NO! Being a pessimist, which I am trying to change, my first thought was what is it? Pneumosystis Pneumonia? Tuberculosis? Then after I took one of my anxiety pills I was able to ration that it's just a cold.

For those first few hours, though, alone in my apartment and scared, I thought the worst. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't know where I stand just yet in this fight. Maybe it's because some of the fears and worries that a certain case manager put in my head. Or maybe it's just the naiveness that comes with being newly diagnosed. Logically, I know I am not dying. I know I may never die from this. My emotions are not in balance those. It often seems like my logic side is in World War III with my emotional side. Sometimes logic wins a battle, other times, often times, emotion wins the battle. Thank god for Paxil and Klonopin or I would be a complete mess right now.

I almost feel as if I am one of those alcoholics who accept Jesus as their savior. Everything happens for Jesus this and Jesus that. Except everytime I have a cough, sneeze, or some stuffiness it's happening because of HIV. And while I know that's not true logically, as Garry (my mentor and savior) has grilled that into my brain, my emotions start running high and the fear rises. I know eventually that fear will subside and I will rationally be able to handle my worries. Until then I guess it's just a game of trying to convince myself that I am being a debbie downer and I need to think with my logic, and not my emotions.

P.S. Garry wrote a blog related to something I had to face by a certain case manager. Please take the time to read it @ http://spotu.wordpress.com/

also don't forget to help my AIDS walk group by either joining and committing to walking and raising money, or just donating whatever amount you can :) www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/nmorgan204

Confessions of an HIV+ Drama Queen

Oh wednesdays, how I love you. Not quite a monday, but definitely not a friday. Took my car in to get fixed today so for the next 5-7 business days expect me to be cruising to around the mean streets of Long Beach on bus and bike. If you see me, offer me a ride dammi !!! :)

So I have two main things that I would like to blog about today. The first one is my relationship. As everybody knows, Daniel showed up as HIV-. I'm begginging to feel the confusion in our relationship...

I've always been an "in your face" type when getting information about things. When I found out I was HIV+ my first instinct was to be inquisitive about as much information as possible. Gathering hordes of info and support was one of my main mechanisms in accepting the news. I know Daniel loves me very much, but I have been questioning his ability to accept my diagnosis and cater to my acceptance/grieving needs. He has not been out there gathering info, and five weeks after ground zero he still knows very little. It hurts me to an extent because I feel it puts a barrier in our relationship. He is HIV-, but WE are HIV+. I've discussed this lately with him, and I know you are probably reading this Danny, but is so important to me that you embrace this, embrace US for what it is now. Being HIV+ I feel the loneliest I have ever felt, yet I sleep next to someone I love so very much every night. This brings such a emotional dynamic to our relationship. This is one that most relationships never face, especially in young adults. Please don't take the wrong message from this and think our relationship is on the rocks, but I want, I NEED everybody to understand the burden this adds to a relationship so that hopefully no one reading this will end up facing the same burden.

The next thing that I want to discuss is a huge mistake I made. I had two friends from Nor Cal that I care about very much over at my apartment for a few days. Unfortunately one of the nights my friend and I got pretty drunk. I blacked out somewhere between a lemon drop and a Kettle One shot and we got into a fight. I said some things and acted without regard for anyone except myself. I do not remember what was said, but it was hurtful enough that she was gone by the time I woke up the next morning. While I don't want to go into the ugly details, it makes me question my drinking while I am still in such a fragile emotional state.

I have been drinking too much lately and realize that it needs to stop. Its never gotten in the way of school or work, but in my emotional state I'm letting it seriously affect my relationships with others. I've been lashing out more when I drink and been feeling sorry for myself. Those are all the wrong reasons to drink. And while all my friends know that Nick loves to get his drink on and have a great time, right now is not the RIGHT time. With my moods changing so constantly, it hurts me so much to know that I get drunk and angry. I'm not that type. And now that I have fucked one of my best friendships up (which I pray to god can be repaired), I know enough is enough. I'm treating my drinking as one treats theirs after losing their job or house. I'm a one man drunken depressed frat party, and its time to get off that.

I gotta get back to work but thank you so much for keeping up with my blog. Please comment, and give me your feedback about my blogs. Most importantly, please continue to visit my donation page and donate towards my AIDS walk fundraiser, now more than ever! The link is www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/nmorgan204

Thanks and much love!
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I FREAKING Love Daylight Savings Time

Let me start off by saying how happy I am that it no longer gets dark at 5pm any more!! Especially somewhere like Long Beach where the sun is always shining, now we can enjoy it even longer!!

So I haven't blogged in a few days. I know I know, but its been a crazy past few days. The other day I missed a dose of paxil. I don't know if you have been on it, but if you miss a dose, especially a high one like the one I'm taking (40mgs), you turn into a crazy person. I was at work and all of the sudden I got really panicky and couldn't focus, and I just felt completely weird. So it goes without saying that my shift was really bad.

After I got off work, I just felt like a mess. For some reason I was mad. Not a certain person, or a certain thing, I just had a flash if anger that lingered for a few hours. I came home and immediately got into it with my boyfriend. Its scary that all the emotions that come with accepting what has happened can really take a number on a relationship. I realized one of the reasons I was angry was because of Daniel. It hurt me that he hasn't done nearly as much in finding out more about HIV/AIDS. He is still so uneducated and unsure about the virus, and its my 5th week of knowing my status. I know he is a busy, busy boy but if anyone in my life got something horrible I would do everything possible to gain as much knowledge so I could try to better understand what that person is feeling.

I was also very mad at myself. I felt like I had plagued our relationship. I felt like I had taken this certain level of intimacy from us. But I can't blame myself. You can't waste your time playing the blame game in a dire situation. If I could take it back, I would. But I can't so I have to work with what I have.

I have a couple of my best friends from back home down here for a few days. That really helps because I've been feeling really lonely lately. They are my favorite people in the world. Being here less than 24 hours, they have been such an inspiration in keeping my mood up and keeping me laughing. It also makes me look forward to going home because life will be a lot easier and I will be WAY less lonely. I love all my friends down here, but everybody's so caught up in the LA rush and sometimes that gets very overwhelming.

Alrighty I'm gonna take a nap cuz I'm still beat from the crazy night we had in Hollywood. Check back tomorrow night I'll have more posted up!
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Sorry...

I haven't had a new blog in the last 2 days...I've been a busy, busy boy. Don't worry I'll update everyone tomorrow night!

Love you guys!

Fucked My Car Up

I'm so fucking fed up with today

Anxiety Nervosa

So I just got out of the weekly HIV+ support group that I go to, and for some reason I was very nervous during the meeting. I'm not sure why. Usually these weekly retreats reward me with information, life experiences, and new expectations. This week didn't fail to do that, but during the group I just had this feeling of nervousness. Maybe it's because I'm finally going to be getting my cell counts back in a couple weeks and it may seem more real then. I don't know. And I haven't gotten my Klonopin (anxiety medicine) refilled yet, so I wish I would have had one to take, but I got through it without going into a panic attack.

This group that I go to is so amazing for my well being. Although it ranges from people of all ages, all health statuses, people who have been living with HIV since it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency), it always seems to have an upbeat atmosphere. We talk about grim things, near death experiences that some of the group has gone through, T-Cell counts of ZERO, yet at the same time it is an outlet for all of us. I think each person learns something everytime the group lets out; Whether it's something new about the virus, something about life, or something about being younger or older (as the group varies in age range).

Right now I can tell from blogging a lot of the anxiety that I was feeling is dissapating. It always helps me to write or talk to others, not just think inside my head. I think that's why I was feeling so anxious today. I was doing a lot of thinking about myself, and not listening to what everybody had to say today, and that made me nervous. Everytime I heard the word "PCP pneumonia", "nightsweats", "kaposi sarcoma" I just had some vision of me going through one of those eventually. And although that may never happen because of the advanced medicine they have, I still felt this uneasiness with not having my T-Cell count or viral load back yet.

Well I have to go see my therapist now, so I hope after that I will feel 100% back up again. Please visit my donations page everybody http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204

it's very important to me. And I'm almost a little down because it's had 20 visits, but only 2 donations. Maybe everyone is just not ready to donate yet, but please try to give whatever you can. Like I said, anything $5 and above is amazing. I want to give an extra special shout out to the one and only MOLLY WOOOOODS for donating 50 bucks last night. She is a starving college student, as most of us are, but Molly, thank you so much. I know I told you you would only hear this once, but God Bless. There you have it writing.

Doctor's Visit and More

So it is been 4 weeks since my diagnosis and I finally had some real leadway in the beginning of my treatment. I went in and got my blood drawn (5 freaking vials of it), got chest x-rays, took a TB test, and a full STD test. I also was approved for ADAP which is AIDS Drug Assistance Program, which covers a variety of things for me. Overall, it was quite an experience.

I was very nervous to go in there today. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew it would be nothing less than interesting. I'm never one to fear needles or blood, but they took quite a bit of it so that kind of worried me. But they have several tests to run, and it takes a lot of expensive work to figure out what my viral load and T-Cell count. I'm hoping for the best, so please keep your fingers crossed. It will be two weeks until I get concrete counts back, but I will feel much more reassured as soon as I get the results back. Either that or I will be devestated. I'm hoping for a T-Cell count of at least 400. Which is lower than a normal, healthy adult, but still not too bad. Anything below, 350 will come as a shock as to me. It's scary to think that a few months ago I had only seen the phrases "T-Cell count" and "Viral Load" just a few times. Now they are common day words for me that I think and speak about on a daily basis.

BREAKING NEWS: I have finally formed my donations page for the AIDS walk. It is a very important cause that I will be participating in me, and if you are behind me in this I really need you to donate whatever you can. Anything over $5 dollars makes me eterenally grateful to you! My group goal is 10,000 big ones. I know I can do it with the help of everybody. That is why it is important for you to SPREAD THE WORD. If you would like to join my page you can do it on the website. It costs $25 dollars to join my team, but it all goes to the Long Beach AIDS walk collection. None if it is used for the website sponsering my page. If you don't want to commit that much, that fine, but please give the link to people. Tell them "I have a really good friend Nick. He's a 21 year old motivated college student who unfortunately found out he is HIV+. He is raising money for the AIDS walk in Long Beach, and it would be great if you could help it." We need to virally network. A goes to B and C, B goes to D, E, F, while C goes to H, I, J, and K. It's simple like that. With the economy the way it is, it is important to get as many sponsers as possible, because people will not be donating as much money this year. At last, the website is http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204

It would mean so much to me if you would do it. It was so hard to hear those words "Nick, I'm so sorry, but you showed up peliminary positive," but it has shaped me in so many ways. While I have battled the anxiety, anxiousness, fear, and depression that comes with finding out you are Young and Positive, I have also felt inspired, motivated, and driven. I have this fire burning inside of me right now. I want that fire to burn in all of you, just hopefully not the same way it started in me. Everyday I feel a different emotion. Today was a rather good day. Although the labwork was intimidating, I got a lot done and I feel accomplished.

I also have some more info on the speaking engagement in which I will be a panel member at. It is a HIV/AIDS Awareness panel mainly geared towards the Latin community, but everyone is welcome to come as it is a fight we all fight together. Women, men, gay, straight, bi, latin, black, white, blue, whatever. Even cat's have a from of "kitty aids". So bring your cat. Actually, don't. Haha. It will be Wednesday March 25th, 2009 from 5-7 PM at the University Student Union Room 205. If you work with me, please take it off work and come see me speak and a learn something or two. I'm going to be nervous, definitely, so some support from my fellow Chiliheads would be fabulous.

I'm going to finish it up for the night. Thank you for reading!!!!! I love all ya guys. Give me some feedback please! And most importantly: http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204

Are you there L.A.? It's me, Margaret.

First of all, let me start off by saying that as of MARCH 1ST, 2009, Lifetime TV is now being boycotted by me, and I urge all of you to do the same! They freaking took the Golden Girls off! How do you take the Golden Girls off? And even worse, do you know who they replaced her with?? MORE EPISODES of that Red Headed Slut Reba MacenWhiteTrash. Like the world REALLY needs any more episodes of Reba....ugh sorry I just had to get that out!

Anyways, so L.A. (or Long Beach really) doesn't really seem like L.A. today. Yesterday was 85 and beautiful and sunny, and today is just gray. Not even raining. It never seems like that here. It's either nice and sunny out, or it's pouring down. It is barely ever just gray outside. I feel like I'm back in Tracy (where I will be back on the 26th!)

So I get my blood drawn finally tomorrow so I can get my T-Cell count and Viral load in two weeks and find out where I stand. I'll think that will create some grounding for myself because right now it's kind of all in the air. I think that's why my emotions are very up and down right now, is because I don't have anything concrete to work off of, just the fact that I know I am HIV+.

I have been having some fear though lately. I hope they don't want to put me on meds right away. That will make it all seem much more real, and I am scared of that. For the past few years, they haven't been putting people on meds until they get below 350 T-Cell count, but now they are finding it is more beneficiary to put people on meds sooner than that. When I found out I was positive, my first goal was to hopefully not need meds until I graduate college. But if that doesn't happen, then so be it, I know it's all for the best. It's just a fear that I have to overcome in the mean time.

Other than that, I don't have much to say today. I have a busy day tomorrow. Between going to see my shrink (Dr. HappyPills), meeting with my case manager, volunteering, and getting my blood drawn, I will have PLENTY to talk about :)

Please visit http://www.blogtv.com/people/spotu_tv to see the Tenacity For Teens. And my donation page is currently under construction so that will be out in a couple of days or a week. Alright have a goo done you guys, check back tomorrow!!!

Barely Here, Barely There

So dear little blog of mine, I must start of by sending the deepest apologizes to you for neglecting to care for you at all in the past few days. I hope you can forgive me. Friends again? Great! :)

I've had a tough time the past couple of days, some of you know that, some of you may not. I had a little bit of a breakdown, which I guess can be expected, and I decided I need a change for a while. While I love L.A., the fast lifestyle, the numerous opportunities it provides for me (especially in the HIV/AIDS sector), I have to take a step back. So as of March 26th, I am temporarily departing from L.A. and heading back home for a while. I need to slow down, and be around some people that really, truly care for me and aren't always super busy with work and school. Most of all, I need my family. I feel now as if I were taking a little bit too much at first and now I have to step back for a while, still stay committed to a few things, but ease my life, at least until I can get into the swing of what life is really going to be like HIV+. For God sakes, its been almost 4 weeks and I still haven't gotten my blood drawn to give me a T-Cell (immune system) count, and a viral load (how much virus is in my body). So when I get those numbers back in a couple weeks, I'll at least have a little insight on where I stand, and what comes next.

Anyways, I had the pleasure today of watching these 4 amazing teenagers in a weekly broadcast they do about high school, sex, and HIV. They are phenomenal kids who really care about something and are informing themselves and others, while at the same time having fun. You can watch their broadcasts at http://www.blogtv.com/people/spotu_tv, and in the latest one I pop up for a few seconds to say I'll be a special guest next week...you can watch it live at 2 PM on Sundays, or watch it recorded later. Please, please, please watch them and watch me, I'll be on next week! :) They work really hard to help educate teenagers, so they deserve your 20-30 minutes of attention once a week :) Shout out to all you guys!

So I'm sure many of you are concerned about my school status; I have chosen to Medically Withdraw from all my classes, meaning I'm not disqualified from the university or anything, but I will be taking the rest of the semester off. It was a hard decision, but I was falling behind in all my classes and I had to take the stress off so I can really focus on myself. Mind you, I will be going back starting in fall, and if decide not to come back to Long Beach, I plan to apply to San Jose State, or San Francisco state.

I'm looking very forward to going back to the Chili's up in Tracy and working with all you crazy people. It was hard to leave that place, but I'm excited to go back up there and spend time with everyone. I think you guys have been a create support system. Heather, definitely you are such an angel. Debbie, your kind words fill me with love you so graciously spread. Desirae, you are the most amazing person I know and I look forward to seeing you next week!!! Disco lemonade, baby! haha...and Nikki, you don't know how hard it was to tell you about my status. Besides my parents and Daniel, I knew how hard you would take it and I know that now we have been through everything! Yet you still have the deepest spot in my heart as friends, and I know that you will be there until we are old, and gray, still finding ways to lose weight while being force fed in a nursing home :)

Commitments. I have given myself a couple since I found out about my status. The first and foremost is the Long Beach AIDS foundation. Garry Bowie, I am so gracious to have came into your presence, even under such unfortunate circumstances. You inspire me, and I will continue to be faithful to your foundation, doing as much work for you as I can up north and when I'm here in the LBC. I'm speaking March 25th at a panel at Cal State Long Beach. I don't have the room number down, or much information yet, but it is from 5-7 PM. So for all my LBC friends, please please please request work off and come. It would mean SO much to me! I am still working on my donations page, so that will be up soon so you guys can donate to the AIDS walk that I will be participating in. And I'll be making a flyer that you can give to your friends and family and force them to cough up 5, 10, even 20 bucks if it's possible. It's all for a great cause. Please visit http://www.lbaidsfoundation.org/ That is the organization I am volunteering for, and they have a lot of different amenities that are great. Also, if you guys could e-mail garry.bowie@lbaidsfoundation.org and just give him a simple thank you. Tell him what I am to you, a friend, family, co-worker, and just thank him. Because he has been the biggest part in keeping me from just giving up. He is the one who has inspired me to do such good work, thru the work I see him do.

Anyways, I'm going to wrap it up. (Shoulda done that 2 years ago when I got this damn thing, huh?) :) NEW RULE: I will update every single day. Even if it is a small update, just something for you guys to read. So please check back daily. I haven't blogged the past couple days cuz I was really down, but even if I'm down I'm dedicated to blogging every day. Please comment though you guys. Give me some feed back. Good, bad, supportive, constructive, just anything!! And please leave it here, instead of on my myspace, it's just easier for me to read it here. I love you guys, and I'll see you Tracy people in just a few weeks!!