Today I woke up feeling like hell. I've had a cough for the past couple weeks that usually is only when I wake up, but today I was coughing so hard that it hurt. Eventually it subsided but I still felt like crap. My first thought was OH NO! Being a pessimist, which I am trying to change, my first thought was what is it? Pneumosystis Pneumonia? Tuberculosis? Then after I took one of my anxiety pills I was able to ration that it's just a cold.
For those first few hours, though, alone in my apartment and scared, I thought the worst. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't know where I stand just yet in this fight. Maybe it's because some of the fears and worries that a certain case manager put in my head. Or maybe it's just the naiveness that comes with being newly diagnosed. Logically, I know I am not dying. I know I may never die from this. My emotions are not in balance those. It often seems like my logic side is in World War III with my emotional side. Sometimes logic wins a battle, other times, often times, emotion wins the battle. Thank god for Paxil and Klonopin or I would be a complete mess right now.
I almost feel as if I am one of those alcoholics who accept Jesus as their savior. Everything happens for Jesus this and Jesus that. Except everytime I have a cough, sneeze, or some stuffiness it's happening because of HIV. And while I know that's not true logically, as Garry (my mentor and savior) has grilled that into my brain, my emotions start running high and the fear rises. I know eventually that fear will subside and I will rationally be able to handle my worries. Until then I guess it's just a game of trying to convince myself that I am being a debbie downer and I need to think with my logic, and not my emotions.
P.S. Garry wrote a blog related to something I had to face by a certain case manager. Please take the time to read it @ http://spotu.wordpress.com/
also don't forget to help my AIDS walk group by either joining and committing to walking and raising money, or just donating whatever amount you can :) www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/nmorgan204
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I started reading your blogs last night, and finished up this morning. Thank you for being so honest about things! I know our friendship took a really bad turn, but I am thankful that we've been able to keep in touch, and get over it, I mean, we were in high school, we were immature,...
ReplyDeleteI will definitely be reading, and I wish you only the best! I was reading your blog about how you can't relate to people with other diseases, as they can't relate to you, because it's not the same, and I can agree, but I also wanted to tell you that I myself have a progressive neurological disorder called Charcot-Marie-Tooth disease, that causes a lot of pain and can basically leave me in a wheelchair with limited function in my hands. Is this the same? NO. Why am I telling you all of this? Because our reactions were pretty similar. When I read about you crying, and just the overwhelming feeling of uncertainty you had, it reminded me of.. me! I just wanted you to know that, although it ISN'T the same, you and I have a lot in common. From the day we were diagnosed with these diseases, our futures have been unclear. Even though we may not experience any of the most severe symptoms of our diseases, the idea that it's a possibility is enough to turn me into a sobbing puddle of mush.
I'm so happy that you have support, that is SOO important! keep your head up, and just know that no matter how much we may worry and stress over the future, we can't control it. So live for today, live for now, enjoy life, and everything that you have going for you. I know it's easier said than done, but being positive is the only thing that helps me!
~Dana