Confessions of an HIV+ Drama Queen

Oh wednesdays, how I love you. Not quite a monday, but definitely not a friday. Took my car in to get fixed today so for the next 5-7 business days expect me to be cruising to around the mean streets of Long Beach on bus and bike. If you see me, offer me a ride dammi !!! :)

So I have two main things that I would like to blog about today. The first one is my relationship. As everybody knows, Daniel showed up as HIV-. I'm begginging to feel the confusion in our relationship...

I've always been an "in your face" type when getting information about things. When I found out I was HIV+ my first instinct was to be inquisitive about as much information as possible. Gathering hordes of info and support was one of my main mechanisms in accepting the news. I know Daniel loves me very much, but I have been questioning his ability to accept my diagnosis and cater to my acceptance/grieving needs. He has not been out there gathering info, and five weeks after ground zero he still knows very little. It hurts me to an extent because I feel it puts a barrier in our relationship. He is HIV-, but WE are HIV+. I've discussed this lately with him, and I know you are probably reading this Danny, but is so important to me that you embrace this, embrace US for what it is now. Being HIV+ I feel the loneliest I have ever felt, yet I sleep next to someone I love so very much every night. This brings such a emotional dynamic to our relationship. This is one that most relationships never face, especially in young adults. Please don't take the wrong message from this and think our relationship is on the rocks, but I want, I NEED everybody to understand the burden this adds to a relationship so that hopefully no one reading this will end up facing the same burden.

The next thing that I want to discuss is a huge mistake I made. I had two friends from Nor Cal that I care about very much over at my apartment for a few days. Unfortunately one of the nights my friend and I got pretty drunk. I blacked out somewhere between a lemon drop and a Kettle One shot and we got into a fight. I said some things and acted without regard for anyone except myself. I do not remember what was said, but it was hurtful enough that she was gone by the time I woke up the next morning. While I don't want to go into the ugly details, it makes me question my drinking while I am still in such a fragile emotional state.

I have been drinking too much lately and realize that it needs to stop. Its never gotten in the way of school or work, but in my emotional state I'm letting it seriously affect my relationships with others. I've been lashing out more when I drink and been feeling sorry for myself. Those are all the wrong reasons to drink. And while all my friends know that Nick loves to get his drink on and have a great time, right now is not the RIGHT time. With my moods changing so constantly, it hurts me so much to know that I get drunk and angry. I'm not that type. And now that I have fucked one of my best friendships up (which I pray to god can be repaired), I know enough is enough. I'm treating my drinking as one treats theirs after losing their job or house. I'm a one man drunken depressed frat party, and its time to get off that.

I gotta get back to work but thank you so much for keeping up with my blog. Please comment, and give me your feedback about my blogs. Most importantly, please continue to visit my donation page and donate towards my AIDS walk fundraiser, now more than ever! The link is www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/nmorgan204

Thanks and much love!
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