Last post of 2009

As I prepare to say adios to 2009, I can't help but ask myself what this year would have been like had I not been diagnosed. Would my life in Long Beach still have fallen apart? What would my life had been like right now, had I still been positive, but not have gotten tested? Where would my health be? Considering my t cells were 345 when I was diagnosed, I was not far off from starting to feel some symptoms of the virus. I remember when I was first diagnosed, every little cough, sneeze, burp, or bad dream was because of HIV. Looking back though, that was sort of silly. There was probably a lot of other external factors affecting my health. Bad sleeping habits, drinking habits, stress, etc. Nonetheless, had I not found out when I did, I think I would be in a much worse situation physically.

I really am nervous about what 2010 has in store for me. I know it's crunch time now. I really need to get back on the bandwagon with school and what not. I'm going to be 23 in less than 6 months, and by the time I get my BA/BS I probably could have had a Ph.D. Getting an education and a good job is more important than ever now. Health insurance is something that is on my mind everyday, as is paying for the necessities that come with keeping me healthy now. If the funding for HIV medication gets cut, I'm screwed. The full price of my meds for just a MONTH are $2,200. Fortunately they are funded through my health insurance and through government assistance, but who says those things won't last?

2010 is going to be my make or break year I think. The decisions I make this coming year, and how I respond to the consequences of those decisions will shape the rest of my life. I know that this doesn't have to rule my life. It's been almost 11 months since I was first diagnosed, and I'd say on a comfort level of 1-10, I'm about an 8. I don't cry like I used to, I don't feel sorry for myself like I used to. I don't feel the need to get the attention for everyone and expect everyone to feel sorry for me like I did at first. Now it's just more a feeling of latency. I'm sick of getting up, going to work, coming home and repeating. I need to feel like I am making progress. In my education, in my social life, and in the introspective aspects of my life.

There is one thing I am sure of this year though. I've had a lot of help from a lot of wonderful people this year. My parents have been so important in keeping my head above water. They've put up with a lot of my bullshit this year, and have been very patient with me. I've met people who have lost their relationship with their parents because their HIV status, and I don't know how they do it. My sister has been a help too, even though we sometimes have a volatile relationship. Some of the awesome people in Long Beach who helped me out when I was first diagnosed really saved me from going off the deep end. Heidi, Jackie, Garry, and many more really helped me get through the initial transition of learning my HIV status. I think I even have to thank my ex. Although we aren't on good terms and don't talk anymore, he helped open my eyes about certain things. His strengths and weaknesses gave me perspective on my own abilities to cope with issues, and learning to walk without his assistance has taught me many things. I still get angry, hurt, and sad sometimes when I think about him, but I'm a better person because I knew him. Mostly, I have Caitlin to thank for just being a friend. From day one, she has been there for me, and her honesty has been invaluable. It's nice to have someone who I can just be completely honest around and feel no shame.

And thank you to you, for reading my blog and keeping up with it. This isn't exactly how I expected it to turn out. I thought I'd be using it much more often, or for different reasons, more interactively, but what's important is that I've used it. It has helped me grow, and hopefully it has helped you grow and given you some perspective on making better, healthier decisions. Have a safe and happy new year everyone, and I will see you in 2010.

'Tis the Season

I can't believe this year is almost over. So much has happened in the last 365 days, yet I feel I've been rather dormant. I've had to acknowledge many things this year that I have always been scared to. How I can sometimes be when I drink, drug usage, sexual practices, being selfish/self-absorbed, handling depression/anxiety, and the list could go on and on. I know what I've had to face is nothing less than an arduous task, anyone would agree. Accepting my status seems miniscule though, compared to coming to an "about face" in regard to life. This time last year I wouldn't think twice about chasin' down my drink with another one after another one at last call, I wouldn't think twice about blaming other people for problems in my life, and only giving myself credit for the good. Granted learning my HIV status and the realizitions come along with that have been a catalyst in the awakening of many things inside me, I tend to discredit it more and more for the entire reason. I think it was dire for me to make some crucial changes in my life in order to grow as a person, and mature.

I lost some fantastic (and not so fantastic) people in my life because of all that I have been through. Some of the changes strengthened relationships that I considered slightly meaningful acquantances. I also have watched some of the most valued relationships disenegrate right before my eyes. It is difficult losing someone you really care about, even if you were too weak to show them how much you cared. I have troubles really opening up with people that love me, and I have even more troubles sacrificing my independence for a little love. I regret not putting more effort in the aspects that required it. I regret starving those who I cared about of a healthy, happy friendship/relationship. Sorrow does not supercede ignorance, though. When one is too ignorant to show love, to show appreciation, to show validation, it balloons into a web of anger and despair, and no amount of sorrow can justify the blatant ignorance.

I've had to come to terms with more than just my HIV status this year. I've had to come to terms with realizing that I played a much bigger part in losing someone I really cared about. I had to come to terms with losing my independence, in order to move back home and learn to grow from my family. I've had to come to terms with no being a complete success, or even a mediocre success for that matter. I quit going to Junior College, which was a really tough decision, but it was the best one I can make I think. I was not happy there, I was miserable, just like I had been at Delta when I was 18-19. But the difference is, I wasn't partying/clubbing hardcore now, I was just intrinsically upset with what I was doing. So I've decided to take a little bit more time off, and go back to Cal State Long Beach next fall. Most people I know won't truely have a feeling about this, positive or negative, but a select few people have their views, I know. I can't change anyone's negative feelings about this choice, but I need to do what's right for my education, and I was happy with school down there. I did fantastic at it, I really had things going fo me educational wise, it was just other external factors that were playing against me and motivating me towards bad decisions.

The worst thing I can do is let this virus and it's diagnosis defeat me, or get the best of me. Two years ago at this time I was working hard and saving up so I could move away and get my school finished. In two months, I let the virus take away over a year's worth of hard work, planning, and investing. I've come to terms with my status though now, and I cannot let it continue to hold me back. I've spent most of 2009 positive, and to sum it all up, 2009 represents a year of adaption. I'm okay now, I'm ready to go into 2010 being HIV+ and it not being my biggest concern everyday. Because after 2010, there's gonna be 2011, 2012, 2013, and on and on. And I'm still gonna have that sneaky little fucker floating around in my blood, so cheers to him.

Anyways, my blog's been silent I know. I've thought about updating a million times. On thanksgiving, on world AIDS day, etc. It's only just coincidence this happens to be Christmas...(Merry Christmas btw...oh and if you don't celebrate Christmas...VERY Merry Christmas)...My blog will continue to be rather silent, with a few occasional updates. I'm in a state of my life where I am much more introspective right now. I don't want the attention, negative or positive, that constant updates bring me. I know, whoever thought I would be saying I DON'T want attention? Haha, but it's true..I'm trying to find myself, and it's never going to happen if I'm always exploiting a person who i don't even really quite get yet. But please, friends, do keep in touch with me. Your heartwarming comments and sidenotes and bits of inspiration have done wonders for me since this all began...Take care and have a safe holidays!