Being Positive, Living Positive

So, today I did something for the first time, something that only a month ago most of you would have thought I would never do. Not only did I do it; I did it for 9 hours straight. The big V-word. No, not Vagina....god knows I would never do that :) But VOLUNTEER WORK. I started today and I have to say I feel more rewarded inside today then I do anytime I ever come home from Chili's or any other job. I am actually going to be volunteering 12 hours a week at the Long Beach AIDS Foundation. Right now our main focus is getting prepped for the Long Beach 5k AIDS walk. I'm starting a team, and I am building a donation page. I will let everyone know more about it when it gets off the ground, but if everyone could donate something, $5, 10$, whatever it will help SO MUCH. It's a great cause, the money raised goes directly to helping the HIV/AIDS community, with less than 10% being used to cover the expenses of fundraising, which is a phenominally low percentage. I learned today that most of the people out there ringing bells in front of stores for donations make more money than the cause in which they are raising for. 60 cents of ever dollar donated to those causes are to pay the people standing out there, while the foundation raising the money only sees 40 cents. Your dollar will go MUCH, MUCH further with any donations you can provide. Also, being 21 and just finding out I am HIV+, you can imagine how much this cause now impacts me, as it also impacts those close to me who have been affected emotionally by my diagnosis. Alright, enough commercialization. Don't worry though, there will be plenty more soon enough!

So for those of you who I haven't talked to lately, or on a regular basis, I want you to be assured that I am mentally/emotionally okay now. I spent my few days breaking down, a few more picking back up the pieces, and then a day or two deciding where to go from there. I decided that I want to take a very proactive role in battling this. It is the coping method I adopted because I know it will work. I feel more motivated than I ever have to really make an impact. I have already had several meetings with HIV counselors, went to a few different HIV+ groups (including one for people in my age range who have been newly diagnosed), I will be speaking at an HIV panel on campus, I am planning to start an HIV-awareness group on campus, and I plan to venture out to other opportunites in order to educate, reassure, and raise awareness. It is surprising that in Long Beach, which has the 2nd highest transmission rate in CA, there are very few support groups or awareness groups. And the ones that are here don't even meet on a regular basis for the most part. I think that's ridiculous that on a campus of 40,000 people CSULB does not have a HIV-awareness group.

Here are some stats to startle you, as found at CDC.gov:

% of 13-29 year olds NEWLY diagnosed with HIV in 2006: 28.3% of all new diagnosis that year
% of NEWLY diagnosed with HIV in 2006 based on sexual preference: GAY-49% Straight-33% The rest were IV drug users...
% of 15-24 who ARE HIV+ that DO NOT know that they are so: 48%

Crazy statistics. Those, mixed with my own diagnoses, is why I want to WORK for the cause, instead of letting HIV work me over. Alright it's bedtime. Please, think about those statisics though, and remember them when you are about to have sex with someone who doesn't want to use a condom.

In Retrospect: February 4th, 2009 4:53 PM

Date: 2/04/09

Time: 4:53 PM PST

Place: Long Beach Health Department

"I'm so sorry Nick, your test showed up preliminary positive," the testing clinician sorrowfully declared.

Being a born-again college student, my first thought was: "YES!!! I finally passed a test in which I did not have to study for!" My next thought: "FUCK! This wasn't the test that I wanted to pass. This was the one I had hoped for over a year to fail miserably at."

Then it set in: There was a 99.3% chance that I was HIV Positive. That's when I broke down. I asked the nurse to leave the room so I could make a couple phone calls. The first one, tearfully, was to Caitlin. In a moment's response I heard, "Oh baby I am so sorry. I'm getting in my car right now." Mind you, Caitlin lives exactly 282 miles (according to Google Maps) from her apartment to mine. Caitlin, I hope you are reading this. That is the single most important act of kindness anyone has ever shown me. I am eternally grateful for that.

The next call I made, still in full shock and tears, was to my manager Jackie. I am blessed to have transferred to the Chili's she works at, for she was able to provide me with so many great resources in the minutes, hours, and days to follow. Jackie has been the angel on my shoulder that, each time my chin drops in self-pity, jabs me with her heavenly pitchfork and says, "Keep your head up! You are a strong motherfucker and you know it!"

The point of this blog is not to bore you with self-centered stories about how much the past 3 weeks have changed my life. I use this simple story to convey to everyone where I plan to go in the days, weeks, and months to follow. I have two prerogatives in starting my blog. The most important one is for me. An outlet where I can vent the roller coaster of emotions that have been on non-stop overdrive since that Wednesday I will never forgot. But it also for you, of course. To inform, educate, inspire, and reassure.

I had never knowingly met an HIV positive individual until I came home on Wednesday February 4th, 2009 and looked in the mirror. I looked at myself, my healthy 21-year old normal looking self and repeated, "I am Nick. I am HIV positive," as if I were at an AA meeting. I then laid on my couch and cried, for hours and hours.

Feeling no shame about who I am or what has transpired over the past 21 years of my life, I have told many of you that I am HIV positive. Not because I have some delirious feeling to tell the entire world, but because I think it is important that people realize HIV/AIDS is not an old, gay man disease that people only got in the 1980's. It is targeting the youth of America (15-24 years of age) at extremely high levels; of that group, 48% of American youth between 15 and 24 years of age who are HIV+ do not know so. There are many reasons for that, and I will get into that issue in future blogs. For the people who have not heard about this happening to me until you read this post, please reassure yourself that I AM OKAY. I am strong. I am proactive. My life has transformed drastically in the past 19 days, but mentally I know I can battle this. And I am so grateful for the love of my life, Daniel (who showed up NEGATIVE for those curious about his status; thank god for that!) He is my support system, he is with me 99.9%. The missing 0.1% is because he, nor any other HIV- individual, will ever be able to understand what it is like to really find out you are positive, and have to accept it.

Just because I am HIV positive, does not mean I understand what it's like to have cancer, diabetes, asthma, or any other debilitating diseases. Nor does anyone, unless they go through it themselves. That is a bold statement, especially to people who have watched their loved ones die from cancer, diabetes, etc. But, I watched my Grandma suffer for 12 years from Alzheimer's at all stages. And while, I have an understanding of her and the disease, there is no way I could possibly infiltrate her mind to comprehend what is really happening and how she is feeling.

Anyways, this is my first posting; there will be MANY, MANY more to come. Please stay tuned, and check back.