Last post of 2009

As I prepare to say adios to 2009, I can't help but ask myself what this year would have been like had I not been diagnosed. Would my life in Long Beach still have fallen apart? What would my life had been like right now, had I still been positive, but not have gotten tested? Where would my health be? Considering my t cells were 345 when I was diagnosed, I was not far off from starting to feel some symptoms of the virus. I remember when I was first diagnosed, every little cough, sneeze, burp, or bad dream was because of HIV. Looking back though, that was sort of silly. There was probably a lot of other external factors affecting my health. Bad sleeping habits, drinking habits, stress, etc. Nonetheless, had I not found out when I did, I think I would be in a much worse situation physically.

I really am nervous about what 2010 has in store for me. I know it's crunch time now. I really need to get back on the bandwagon with school and what not. I'm going to be 23 in less than 6 months, and by the time I get my BA/BS I probably could have had a Ph.D. Getting an education and a good job is more important than ever now. Health insurance is something that is on my mind everyday, as is paying for the necessities that come with keeping me healthy now. If the funding for HIV medication gets cut, I'm screwed. The full price of my meds for just a MONTH are $2,200. Fortunately they are funded through my health insurance and through government assistance, but who says those things won't last?

2010 is going to be my make or break year I think. The decisions I make this coming year, and how I respond to the consequences of those decisions will shape the rest of my life. I know that this doesn't have to rule my life. It's been almost 11 months since I was first diagnosed, and I'd say on a comfort level of 1-10, I'm about an 8. I don't cry like I used to, I don't feel sorry for myself like I used to. I don't feel the need to get the attention for everyone and expect everyone to feel sorry for me like I did at first. Now it's just more a feeling of latency. I'm sick of getting up, going to work, coming home and repeating. I need to feel like I am making progress. In my education, in my social life, and in the introspective aspects of my life.

There is one thing I am sure of this year though. I've had a lot of help from a lot of wonderful people this year. My parents have been so important in keeping my head above water. They've put up with a lot of my bullshit this year, and have been very patient with me. I've met people who have lost their relationship with their parents because their HIV status, and I don't know how they do it. My sister has been a help too, even though we sometimes have a volatile relationship. Some of the awesome people in Long Beach who helped me out when I was first diagnosed really saved me from going off the deep end. Heidi, Jackie, Garry, and many more really helped me get through the initial transition of learning my HIV status. I think I even have to thank my ex. Although we aren't on good terms and don't talk anymore, he helped open my eyes about certain things. His strengths and weaknesses gave me perspective on my own abilities to cope with issues, and learning to walk without his assistance has taught me many things. I still get angry, hurt, and sad sometimes when I think about him, but I'm a better person because I knew him. Mostly, I have Caitlin to thank for just being a friend. From day one, she has been there for me, and her honesty has been invaluable. It's nice to have someone who I can just be completely honest around and feel no shame.

And thank you to you, for reading my blog and keeping up with it. This isn't exactly how I expected it to turn out. I thought I'd be using it much more often, or for different reasons, more interactively, but what's important is that I've used it. It has helped me grow, and hopefully it has helped you grow and given you some perspective on making better, healthier decisions. Have a safe and happy new year everyone, and I will see you in 2010.

'Tis the Season

I can't believe this year is almost over. So much has happened in the last 365 days, yet I feel I've been rather dormant. I've had to acknowledge many things this year that I have always been scared to. How I can sometimes be when I drink, drug usage, sexual practices, being selfish/self-absorbed, handling depression/anxiety, and the list could go on and on. I know what I've had to face is nothing less than an arduous task, anyone would agree. Accepting my status seems miniscule though, compared to coming to an "about face" in regard to life. This time last year I wouldn't think twice about chasin' down my drink with another one after another one at last call, I wouldn't think twice about blaming other people for problems in my life, and only giving myself credit for the good. Granted learning my HIV status and the realizitions come along with that have been a catalyst in the awakening of many things inside me, I tend to discredit it more and more for the entire reason. I think it was dire for me to make some crucial changes in my life in order to grow as a person, and mature.

I lost some fantastic (and not so fantastic) people in my life because of all that I have been through. Some of the changes strengthened relationships that I considered slightly meaningful acquantances. I also have watched some of the most valued relationships disenegrate right before my eyes. It is difficult losing someone you really care about, even if you were too weak to show them how much you cared. I have troubles really opening up with people that love me, and I have even more troubles sacrificing my independence for a little love. I regret not putting more effort in the aspects that required it. I regret starving those who I cared about of a healthy, happy friendship/relationship. Sorrow does not supercede ignorance, though. When one is too ignorant to show love, to show appreciation, to show validation, it balloons into a web of anger and despair, and no amount of sorrow can justify the blatant ignorance.

I've had to come to terms with more than just my HIV status this year. I've had to come to terms with realizing that I played a much bigger part in losing someone I really cared about. I had to come to terms with losing my independence, in order to move back home and learn to grow from my family. I've had to come to terms with no being a complete success, or even a mediocre success for that matter. I quit going to Junior College, which was a really tough decision, but it was the best one I can make I think. I was not happy there, I was miserable, just like I had been at Delta when I was 18-19. But the difference is, I wasn't partying/clubbing hardcore now, I was just intrinsically upset with what I was doing. So I've decided to take a little bit more time off, and go back to Cal State Long Beach next fall. Most people I know won't truely have a feeling about this, positive or negative, but a select few people have their views, I know. I can't change anyone's negative feelings about this choice, but I need to do what's right for my education, and I was happy with school down there. I did fantastic at it, I really had things going fo me educational wise, it was just other external factors that were playing against me and motivating me towards bad decisions.

The worst thing I can do is let this virus and it's diagnosis defeat me, or get the best of me. Two years ago at this time I was working hard and saving up so I could move away and get my school finished. In two months, I let the virus take away over a year's worth of hard work, planning, and investing. I've come to terms with my status though now, and I cannot let it continue to hold me back. I've spent most of 2009 positive, and to sum it all up, 2009 represents a year of adaption. I'm okay now, I'm ready to go into 2010 being HIV+ and it not being my biggest concern everyday. Because after 2010, there's gonna be 2011, 2012, 2013, and on and on. And I'm still gonna have that sneaky little fucker floating around in my blood, so cheers to him.

Anyways, my blog's been silent I know. I've thought about updating a million times. On thanksgiving, on world AIDS day, etc. It's only just coincidence this happens to be Christmas...(Merry Christmas btw...oh and if you don't celebrate Christmas...VERY Merry Christmas)...My blog will continue to be rather silent, with a few occasional updates. I'm in a state of my life where I am much more introspective right now. I don't want the attention, negative or positive, that constant updates bring me. I know, whoever thought I would be saying I DON'T want attention? Haha, but it's true..I'm trying to find myself, and it's never going to happen if I'm always exploiting a person who i don't even really quite get yet. But please, friends, do keep in touch with me. Your heartwarming comments and sidenotes and bits of inspiration have done wonders for me since this all began...Take care and have a safe holidays!

Insomnia

So I know I've all but forsaken my blog. And I know that's not the best thing for myself, as it helped me get through some of the hardest months of my life. I've been through so much immense pain this year, and I'm trying to detach myself from it. I'm getting depressed though, I realize that, and I need to find away to keep my head above water. I haven't been able to sleep lately, and when I do sleep, my dreams have been more melancholy. I'm also not motivated in school, which is not me. I mean, it was when I was going through my after high school partying clubbing non stop. But I rarely do that anymore, my life is focused around school and work now, yet when I'm there I find myself having so much trouble concentrating. Sometimes I find myself mulling over details of the first few months in this new life. I used to have leverage over this, now I just have medicine. I had more power than I allowed myself to see, and I think that if I would've embraced that power I would be much happier than I am right now. But then again, hindsight is 20/20. I'm not ashamed about my status, but I feel like I am so much more secretive about it. Like a lot of the people I have met in the last few months don't know, and it's not that I am trying to hide anything, it's just why say anything in the first place??? Yet at the same time, that makes me feel ashamed because I feel like I have some sort of illegitimate child that I am keeping locked away in a closet.

I'll be honest, I still have some resentment over that fact that I have to go through this alone.. I spent 2 year of my life with someone, and when this all happened at the beginning of the year, they jumped ship within 2 months. While I would never wish this upon anyone, it's so much more hard going through it when you feel abandoned. While I know I had just as much to do with the break up as he did, I feel he could have fought harder to make things work, at least for the time being. With everything that was going on in my life, it was more than clear I wasn't myself. I was acting out, like a 2 year, but that's just because I was exploring a completely new world that I was deathly afraid of.

I guess I can sometimes keep a shell around me, even to those I most care about. It's not because I do it to be clandestine or mysterious, it's just I feel people will think less of me if they don't view me as strong. I've spent too long carving an image of myself, that I forgot how to just be real with emotion sometimes. I know I'm hardheaded, but I need to allow myself to cave into the help of others when it is offered. Things will get easier with time, I know that. They've already gotten so much more easier than when this all started on 2/4/09. But, it still hurts and is on my mind pretty much every day. I'm made about the mistakes I made, especially because I was too young to even realize I was making a mistake at the time. 2009 has exhausted me, it has been by far my worst year. I look forward to 2010 with great hope though. There is a certain fear there, one that I didn't feel when I was entering 2009. I guess it's because I know realize that life is not fair. Sometimes there are lifelong consequences for insubordinate decisions. I lost a lot this year: innocence, independence, and naiveness.. But I gained a few thigns along the way. I have a much more clear view of what it means to make decisions that will please me in the long run, as opposed to what feels good at the moment. I also realize that my family will support me no matter what.. I've given my mom more hell than she cares to deal with this year, yet she still keeps me going, keeps my head propped up, and always knows when something's wrong.

Sick of it...

I'm sick of it.. I'm sick off the ball and chain I wear around my ankle.. I'm sick of this scarlet letter. I fucked up, I made a mistake.. But this one has consequences that will last longer than I ever thought. I've had this tattooed upon me, upon my immune system. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of my life like this. No matter how many highly active anti-retroviral therapy medications I take, no matter how many wheat grass shots I take, no matter how many push ups I do, lonely nights I spend crying myself to sleep, this will always be a part of me. Once I lose health insurance next summer, things are only going to get so much more complicated. I wish I hadn't made the mistakes I made.. This is what regret feels like.

Old Writings

I wrote this about 2 1/2 years ago, and I just found it and re-read it and thought I'd post it...I really like it..please give me your feedback I would love to hear your thoughts!

"So one thing that I have really been thinking about lately is couples. I look at a lot of my friends, past and present, strangers, and just people in general, and it seems like almost everybody has somebody right now. Superficially, that sounds like a great utopian concept: Everybody is loved, it is a bright, sunny season, and happiness is all over. But that's exactly what that perspective is: superficial. Under the surface there are much more less appealing perspectives.

First of all, what is it that is driving people to commit to these incredible relationships? Well it's not just love. One thing I've noticed is desperation. Individuals are so hell-bent on taking away their individuality, on labeling themselves as coupled. They will foresake what they like, are interested in, and most importantly, what they believe in just so that others will know that they are coupled. Relationships have become this rose, and happiness are its petals, and everytime a petal falls off, happiness dies for that person. People are so desperate to have a dozen roses in their garden, yet life is built off more than just those roses. It's built off more than just flowers. Life is this huge supermarket, where there is an endless variety of sections, yet everyone seems to focus on the rose department. Whatever happened to the clean up on aisle nine?

Another thing I've noticed which blindly drives people to one another is lonliness. It seems like lonliness is everywhere. A little girl swinging slowly on the playground with her head towards the ground, an old lady sipping a latte and watching the day pass at a coffee shop, a less than popular teenager sitting in his room on a Friday night, because no one has the bravery to call him and see how he's doing. These may all just be lonely people. But what about the people who are so afraid of being lonely that this urge drives them to shack up with anyone who gets beyond "hello" with them? So many people, especially young ones, fear spending their life unloved that they go for the next best thing, the less than best thing, or simply, anything. And that's unfortunate. You can feign a smile, you can feign an "I love you", hell, you can even feign an entire relationship, but you can't feign what your heart says is true. All in all, which is better? To be independant, single, and "lonely", or lie to yourself about what makes you happy for the rest of your life?

And what about the poor souls who have a combination of both? Lonliness and desperation. Are those the ones that turn to one night stands, drugs, and meaningless relationships to pass the time, and feign their happiness? Or are their a strong handful in that group that are able to stand their ground, hold out, and wait for that one person who truely, meaningfuly, honestly makes them happy and loves them unconditionally? Are you that person? Am I?"

Snippit from an Article from the Huffington Post

Nearly half of people living with HIV/AIDS in the United States lack access to the health care services they need. Many living with HIV are considered "too healthy" to obtain Medicaid benefits but cannot afford or are denied private insurance coverage. Because private insurers often refuse to cover people with HIV, only one in five people living with HIV have private insurance coverage.

Health care reform efforts must include ways to provide coverage for all people living with HIV and also include strong provisions on prevention. With nearly 60,000 people newly infected with HIV each year in the United States, the rate of new HIV infections remains disturbingly high.

Luckily, the health care reform plan does include provisions on HIV/AIDS. The plan will allow states to extend Medicaid coverage to thousands of low-income people living with HIV who are currently "too healthy" to obtain coverage and also increase the number of people who benefit from the AIDS Drug Assistance program. Finally, the plan contains several prevention and wellness provisions that will increase access to voluntary HIV testing and other prevention methods. More can always be done, but this is a good start.

I feel..

So I've been told I often talk about what I am doing, and not enough of what I am feeling. So tonight I'm dedicating my entry to only what I am feeling...Read ahead.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I have stepped into a new world, one in which I was not prepared for. I feel as though I have not made the best decisions since my diagnosis, relying too much on emotion, and too little on intelligence. I feel as if I buried myself in situations, dedications, and expectations that I am not capable of managing to the best of my abilities. I feel that I wish I could have a few more months off of life, yet I feel that I should have never taken as much time off from it as I did. I feel overwhelmed.

I feel new horizons broadening. I feel as though the sun is setting on many aspects, friendships, and endeavors in my life, yet there are so many other things opening up. I feel as if the friendships I have had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with are so much more real than the friendships I used to make. I feel as if the crowd of people I have chosen to surround myself with hold better values about themselves, and I respect that. I feel I have strayed away from the hard partier's, the all-to-often hungover people, and those who do not have common goals as myself. I feel as if I view goals in a different light. I feel as though I have a clearer view of the things I wish to do with my life, the people I wish to encounter, and the rewards I wish to obtain through hard work. I feel new horizons broadening.

I feel pressured more than ever. I feel that disappointment and failure is no longer acceptable, and that it is time to buck up and get some real shit done. I feel that I have let many people down. I feel that those who weren't really my friends have lost hope in me, while the people who really care have held out and tried to support me. I feel as though many people don't understand what I am going through, and that sometimes creates a strain on our friendship. I feel that I have many less friends than i did a year ago, but I feel more love and acceptance in my life. I feel that I do not want to let these people down, I want them to be happy that we are friends, and find satisfaction in our relationship. At the same time, I feel pressured more than ever.