Last post of 2009

As I prepare to say adios to 2009, I can't help but ask myself what this year would have been like had I not been diagnosed. Would my life in Long Beach still have fallen apart? What would my life had been like right now, had I still been positive, but not have gotten tested? Where would my health be? Considering my t cells were 345 when I was diagnosed, I was not far off from starting to feel some symptoms of the virus. I remember when I was first diagnosed, every little cough, sneeze, burp, or bad dream was because of HIV. Looking back though, that was sort of silly. There was probably a lot of other external factors affecting my health. Bad sleeping habits, drinking habits, stress, etc. Nonetheless, had I not found out when I did, I think I would be in a much worse situation physically.

I really am nervous about what 2010 has in store for me. I know it's crunch time now. I really need to get back on the bandwagon with school and what not. I'm going to be 23 in less than 6 months, and by the time I get my BA/BS I probably could have had a Ph.D. Getting an education and a good job is more important than ever now. Health insurance is something that is on my mind everyday, as is paying for the necessities that come with keeping me healthy now. If the funding for HIV medication gets cut, I'm screwed. The full price of my meds for just a MONTH are $2,200. Fortunately they are funded through my health insurance and through government assistance, but who says those things won't last?

2010 is going to be my make or break year I think. The decisions I make this coming year, and how I respond to the consequences of those decisions will shape the rest of my life. I know that this doesn't have to rule my life. It's been almost 11 months since I was first diagnosed, and I'd say on a comfort level of 1-10, I'm about an 8. I don't cry like I used to, I don't feel sorry for myself like I used to. I don't feel the need to get the attention for everyone and expect everyone to feel sorry for me like I did at first. Now it's just more a feeling of latency. I'm sick of getting up, going to work, coming home and repeating. I need to feel like I am making progress. In my education, in my social life, and in the introspective aspects of my life.

There is one thing I am sure of this year though. I've had a lot of help from a lot of wonderful people this year. My parents have been so important in keeping my head above water. They've put up with a lot of my bullshit this year, and have been very patient with me. I've met people who have lost their relationship with their parents because their HIV status, and I don't know how they do it. My sister has been a help too, even though we sometimes have a volatile relationship. Some of the awesome people in Long Beach who helped me out when I was first diagnosed really saved me from going off the deep end. Heidi, Jackie, Garry, and many more really helped me get through the initial transition of learning my HIV status. I think I even have to thank my ex. Although we aren't on good terms and don't talk anymore, he helped open my eyes about certain things. His strengths and weaknesses gave me perspective on my own abilities to cope with issues, and learning to walk without his assistance has taught me many things. I still get angry, hurt, and sad sometimes when I think about him, but I'm a better person because I knew him. Mostly, I have Caitlin to thank for just being a friend. From day one, she has been there for me, and her honesty has been invaluable. It's nice to have someone who I can just be completely honest around and feel no shame.

And thank you to you, for reading my blog and keeping up with it. This isn't exactly how I expected it to turn out. I thought I'd be using it much more often, or for different reasons, more interactively, but what's important is that I've used it. It has helped me grow, and hopefully it has helped you grow and given you some perspective on making better, healthier decisions. Have a safe and happy new year everyone, and I will see you in 2010.

'Tis the Season

I can't believe this year is almost over. So much has happened in the last 365 days, yet I feel I've been rather dormant. I've had to acknowledge many things this year that I have always been scared to. How I can sometimes be when I drink, drug usage, sexual practices, being selfish/self-absorbed, handling depression/anxiety, and the list could go on and on. I know what I've had to face is nothing less than an arduous task, anyone would agree. Accepting my status seems miniscule though, compared to coming to an "about face" in regard to life. This time last year I wouldn't think twice about chasin' down my drink with another one after another one at last call, I wouldn't think twice about blaming other people for problems in my life, and only giving myself credit for the good. Granted learning my HIV status and the realizitions come along with that have been a catalyst in the awakening of many things inside me, I tend to discredit it more and more for the entire reason. I think it was dire for me to make some crucial changes in my life in order to grow as a person, and mature.

I lost some fantastic (and not so fantastic) people in my life because of all that I have been through. Some of the changes strengthened relationships that I considered slightly meaningful acquantances. I also have watched some of the most valued relationships disenegrate right before my eyes. It is difficult losing someone you really care about, even if you were too weak to show them how much you cared. I have troubles really opening up with people that love me, and I have even more troubles sacrificing my independence for a little love. I regret not putting more effort in the aspects that required it. I regret starving those who I cared about of a healthy, happy friendship/relationship. Sorrow does not supercede ignorance, though. When one is too ignorant to show love, to show appreciation, to show validation, it balloons into a web of anger and despair, and no amount of sorrow can justify the blatant ignorance.

I've had to come to terms with more than just my HIV status this year. I've had to come to terms with realizing that I played a much bigger part in losing someone I really cared about. I had to come to terms with losing my independence, in order to move back home and learn to grow from my family. I've had to come to terms with no being a complete success, or even a mediocre success for that matter. I quit going to Junior College, which was a really tough decision, but it was the best one I can make I think. I was not happy there, I was miserable, just like I had been at Delta when I was 18-19. But the difference is, I wasn't partying/clubbing hardcore now, I was just intrinsically upset with what I was doing. So I've decided to take a little bit more time off, and go back to Cal State Long Beach next fall. Most people I know won't truely have a feeling about this, positive or negative, but a select few people have their views, I know. I can't change anyone's negative feelings about this choice, but I need to do what's right for my education, and I was happy with school down there. I did fantastic at it, I really had things going fo me educational wise, it was just other external factors that were playing against me and motivating me towards bad decisions.

The worst thing I can do is let this virus and it's diagnosis defeat me, or get the best of me. Two years ago at this time I was working hard and saving up so I could move away and get my school finished. In two months, I let the virus take away over a year's worth of hard work, planning, and investing. I've come to terms with my status though now, and I cannot let it continue to hold me back. I've spent most of 2009 positive, and to sum it all up, 2009 represents a year of adaption. I'm okay now, I'm ready to go into 2010 being HIV+ and it not being my biggest concern everyday. Because after 2010, there's gonna be 2011, 2012, 2013, and on and on. And I'm still gonna have that sneaky little fucker floating around in my blood, so cheers to him.

Anyways, my blog's been silent I know. I've thought about updating a million times. On thanksgiving, on world AIDS day, etc. It's only just coincidence this happens to be Christmas...(Merry Christmas btw...oh and if you don't celebrate Christmas...VERY Merry Christmas)...My blog will continue to be rather silent, with a few occasional updates. I'm in a state of my life where I am much more introspective right now. I don't want the attention, negative or positive, that constant updates bring me. I know, whoever thought I would be saying I DON'T want attention? Haha, but it's true..I'm trying to find myself, and it's never going to happen if I'm always exploiting a person who i don't even really quite get yet. But please, friends, do keep in touch with me. Your heartwarming comments and sidenotes and bits of inspiration have done wonders for me since this all began...Take care and have a safe holidays!

Insomnia

So I know I've all but forsaken my blog. And I know that's not the best thing for myself, as it helped me get through some of the hardest months of my life. I've been through so much immense pain this year, and I'm trying to detach myself from it. I'm getting depressed though, I realize that, and I need to find away to keep my head above water. I haven't been able to sleep lately, and when I do sleep, my dreams have been more melancholy. I'm also not motivated in school, which is not me. I mean, it was when I was going through my after high school partying clubbing non stop. But I rarely do that anymore, my life is focused around school and work now, yet when I'm there I find myself having so much trouble concentrating. Sometimes I find myself mulling over details of the first few months in this new life. I used to have leverage over this, now I just have medicine. I had more power than I allowed myself to see, and I think that if I would've embraced that power I would be much happier than I am right now. But then again, hindsight is 20/20. I'm not ashamed about my status, but I feel like I am so much more secretive about it. Like a lot of the people I have met in the last few months don't know, and it's not that I am trying to hide anything, it's just why say anything in the first place??? Yet at the same time, that makes me feel ashamed because I feel like I have some sort of illegitimate child that I am keeping locked away in a closet.

I'll be honest, I still have some resentment over that fact that I have to go through this alone.. I spent 2 year of my life with someone, and when this all happened at the beginning of the year, they jumped ship within 2 months. While I would never wish this upon anyone, it's so much more hard going through it when you feel abandoned. While I know I had just as much to do with the break up as he did, I feel he could have fought harder to make things work, at least for the time being. With everything that was going on in my life, it was more than clear I wasn't myself. I was acting out, like a 2 year, but that's just because I was exploring a completely new world that I was deathly afraid of.

I guess I can sometimes keep a shell around me, even to those I most care about. It's not because I do it to be clandestine or mysterious, it's just I feel people will think less of me if they don't view me as strong. I've spent too long carving an image of myself, that I forgot how to just be real with emotion sometimes. I know I'm hardheaded, but I need to allow myself to cave into the help of others when it is offered. Things will get easier with time, I know that. They've already gotten so much more easier than when this all started on 2/4/09. But, it still hurts and is on my mind pretty much every day. I'm made about the mistakes I made, especially because I was too young to even realize I was making a mistake at the time. 2009 has exhausted me, it has been by far my worst year. I look forward to 2010 with great hope though. There is a certain fear there, one that I didn't feel when I was entering 2009. I guess it's because I know realize that life is not fair. Sometimes there are lifelong consequences for insubordinate decisions. I lost a lot this year: innocence, independence, and naiveness.. But I gained a few thigns along the way. I have a much more clear view of what it means to make decisions that will please me in the long run, as opposed to what feels good at the moment. I also realize that my family will support me no matter what.. I've given my mom more hell than she cares to deal with this year, yet she still keeps me going, keeps my head propped up, and always knows when something's wrong.

Sick of it...

I'm sick of it.. I'm sick off the ball and chain I wear around my ankle.. I'm sick of this scarlet letter. I fucked up, I made a mistake.. But this one has consequences that will last longer than I ever thought. I've had this tattooed upon me, upon my immune system. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of my life like this. No matter how many highly active anti-retroviral therapy medications I take, no matter how many wheat grass shots I take, no matter how many push ups I do, lonely nights I spend crying myself to sleep, this will always be a part of me. Once I lose health insurance next summer, things are only going to get so much more complicated. I wish I hadn't made the mistakes I made.. This is what regret feels like.

Old Writings

I wrote this about 2 1/2 years ago, and I just found it and re-read it and thought I'd post it...I really like it..please give me your feedback I would love to hear your thoughts!

"So one thing that I have really been thinking about lately is couples. I look at a lot of my friends, past and present, strangers, and just people in general, and it seems like almost everybody has somebody right now. Superficially, that sounds like a great utopian concept: Everybody is loved, it is a bright, sunny season, and happiness is all over. But that's exactly what that perspective is: superficial. Under the surface there are much more less appealing perspectives.

First of all, what is it that is driving people to commit to these incredible relationships? Well it's not just love. One thing I've noticed is desperation. Individuals are so hell-bent on taking away their individuality, on labeling themselves as coupled. They will foresake what they like, are interested in, and most importantly, what they believe in just so that others will know that they are coupled. Relationships have become this rose, and happiness are its petals, and everytime a petal falls off, happiness dies for that person. People are so desperate to have a dozen roses in their garden, yet life is built off more than just those roses. It's built off more than just flowers. Life is this huge supermarket, where there is an endless variety of sections, yet everyone seems to focus on the rose department. Whatever happened to the clean up on aisle nine?

Another thing I've noticed which blindly drives people to one another is lonliness. It seems like lonliness is everywhere. A little girl swinging slowly on the playground with her head towards the ground, an old lady sipping a latte and watching the day pass at a coffee shop, a less than popular teenager sitting in his room on a Friday night, because no one has the bravery to call him and see how he's doing. These may all just be lonely people. But what about the people who are so afraid of being lonely that this urge drives them to shack up with anyone who gets beyond "hello" with them? So many people, especially young ones, fear spending their life unloved that they go for the next best thing, the less than best thing, or simply, anything. And that's unfortunate. You can feign a smile, you can feign an "I love you", hell, you can even feign an entire relationship, but you can't feign what your heart says is true. All in all, which is better? To be independant, single, and "lonely", or lie to yourself about what makes you happy for the rest of your life?

And what about the poor souls who have a combination of both? Lonliness and desperation. Are those the ones that turn to one night stands, drugs, and meaningless relationships to pass the time, and feign their happiness? Or are their a strong handful in that group that are able to stand their ground, hold out, and wait for that one person who truely, meaningfuly, honestly makes them happy and loves them unconditionally? Are you that person? Am I?"

Snippit from an Article from the Huffington Post

Nearly half of people living with HIV/AIDS in the United States lack access to the health care services they need. Many living with HIV are considered "too healthy" to obtain Medicaid benefits but cannot afford or are denied private insurance coverage. Because private insurers often refuse to cover people with HIV, only one in five people living with HIV have private insurance coverage.

Health care reform efforts must include ways to provide coverage for all people living with HIV and also include strong provisions on prevention. With nearly 60,000 people newly infected with HIV each year in the United States, the rate of new HIV infections remains disturbingly high.

Luckily, the health care reform plan does include provisions on HIV/AIDS. The plan will allow states to extend Medicaid coverage to thousands of low-income people living with HIV who are currently "too healthy" to obtain coverage and also increase the number of people who benefit from the AIDS Drug Assistance program. Finally, the plan contains several prevention and wellness provisions that will increase access to voluntary HIV testing and other prevention methods. More can always be done, but this is a good start.

I feel..

So I've been told I often talk about what I am doing, and not enough of what I am feeling. So tonight I'm dedicating my entry to only what I am feeling...Read ahead.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I have stepped into a new world, one in which I was not prepared for. I feel as though I have not made the best decisions since my diagnosis, relying too much on emotion, and too little on intelligence. I feel as if I buried myself in situations, dedications, and expectations that I am not capable of managing to the best of my abilities. I feel that I wish I could have a few more months off of life, yet I feel that I should have never taken as much time off from it as I did. I feel overwhelmed.

I feel new horizons broadening. I feel as though the sun is setting on many aspects, friendships, and endeavors in my life, yet there are so many other things opening up. I feel as if the friendships I have had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with are so much more real than the friendships I used to make. I feel as if the crowd of people I have chosen to surround myself with hold better values about themselves, and I respect that. I feel I have strayed away from the hard partier's, the all-to-often hungover people, and those who do not have common goals as myself. I feel as if I view goals in a different light. I feel as though I have a clearer view of the things I wish to do with my life, the people I wish to encounter, and the rewards I wish to obtain through hard work. I feel new horizons broadening.

I feel pressured more than ever. I feel that disappointment and failure is no longer acceptable, and that it is time to buck up and get some real shit done. I feel that I have let many people down. I feel that those who weren't really my friends have lost hope in me, while the people who really care have held out and tried to support me. I feel as though many people don't understand what I am going through, and that sometimes creates a strain on our friendship. I feel that I have many less friends than i did a year ago, but I feel more love and acceptance in my life. I feel that I do not want to let these people down, I want them to be happy that we are friends, and find satisfaction in our relationship. At the same time, I feel pressured more than ever.

Low Tide

I've been feeling kind of emotional the last couple of days, I'm not going to lie. I had been feeling really happy and positive for a good month there, but things are starting to feel a little more sad. I think it's because summer is coming to an end. Summer has always been my favorite season, and now comes the cold. Cold, dark days. Rainy days. Windy, cloudy days. Last winter I was in Long Beach, where the sun was always shining. It may not have always been warm, but the sun was always shining. I know how Tracy is during the fall/winter, and I'm not looking forward to it. I just can't picture myself being content with the fact that I am HIV+ and it's raining outside. Okay, that sounds a little weird. I don't mean for it to come out like that. But having HIV is such a gloomy fact of life. It's not fun, it's not a walk in the park, it's not a piece of cake. I've always struggled to stay happy during the winter, and this year I feel like I'm going to have to struggle harder.

Another thing is that I started school again. While I am ecstastic to be back getting an education, and I am SO happy with my classes, it's just not the same. Long Beach was an up and down experience for me, but the one thing I loved about it was school. I had a great routine, I loved and knew the campus, and it felt right. Taking the bus to and from, listening to my iPod to pump myself up those mornings, walking down the alleyway back to my apartment after a long day at school, climbing the steps to my apartment, and relaxing. I was independant then, I was on top of things. HIV had not yet made its way into my life. Well it had, but I just didn't know it at the time. It felt good to be free. Being back on a JC campus is a little disappointing. The campus doesn't offer nearly as many great amenities, and if it does, it doesn't make it appareant. I'm no longer surrounded by people who really seem to care about higher learning, but more of a high schoolish type crowd.

Guys have also disappointed me lately. I wish I hadn't screwed up my relationship. I had a good thing. And I know both Daniel and I did our share to destory things, I feel like there was so much more I could have done to prevent the outcome that came. It felt good to be in love. I wasn't as scared of HIV when I had him. I am scared now. Not of dying, not of the virus killing me. But just having to live with it, the burden of it. The worries and troubles of having to carry this around with me for the rest of my life gets to me sometimes. I know I will continue to grow with this, and it will get easier. It has gotten easier. But right now, I just feel emotional. I know it will pass. I will never allow myself to sink into the hole that I was in ever again. May and June were particularly bad months for me, and I never want to repeat them again. My birthday was horrible, I spent it in the ER with bronchitis. When August 31st comes around in a few weeks, do me a favor, wake me up when september ends.

Accomplishments

Feeling the setbacks of HIV, emotionally and physically, it is
important to find ways that you can pull yourself up and most
importantly, pull yourself FORWARD. When I was first diagnosed, my
T-Cell count was 345. That was very upsetting for me because it meant
my T cells were at a low level that would require me to start
medication very soon. If you look back at some of my blogs in the very
beginning of my diagnosis, I wrote how I wanted to stay of HIV
medication at least until I was out of college. Unfortunately, because
my T cells lingered in the 350 range at my next count, medication was
something I needed to start if I didn't want to experience severe
damage to my immune system in the next few years.

As most of you know from reading my blogs, T Cells are the important
white blood cells that fight infection. When you have HIV, your T
Cells are killed off, and after you get below 200, you have AIDS. A
normal range is between 500-1000 T Cells. Well today I found out that
my T Cells have climbed to 521, which means I am at a normal, healthy
range. Although I didn't feel many effects of HIV, it feels so good to
know that I am considered normal again. Granted its a low-normal, none
the less its a goal I have wanted to reach and had no idea I could do
it so quickly. HIV is not just a physical ailment, it is very mental
as well. To survive and thrive with HIV, you have to be comfortable
with your status and health. Today, thursday, I am the most
comfortable with my status as I've ever been. Even when I thought I
was HIV-, I wasn't very comfortable with my status because I didn't
KNOW my status. I thought I did, but unless you have that paper in
front of you declaring you infected or not infected, your status is
merely suspected. I'm not happy I'm positive, in fact I despise the
fact that HIV has decided to take residence in me. Given the
circumstances though, I must find pride in my life, in my disease.
Everytime I get a better piece of news, a good result, or wake up
feeling healthier than the day before, I get a small win for myself.
It means I'm fighting the disease, and I'm fighting it hard. Its
taxation on my immune system will not come without representation.

As happy as I am today about my T Cells being up by nearly 200 since
February, I did have a set back. I have been experiencing some really
bad stomach issues for almost three weeks now. It has gotten to the
point some days where I feel like its robbing me of my freedom,
robbing me of my choice to pick what I eat (and instead go with
something that will be less reactive to my stomach). I thought it may
be my meds, but the doctor I saw today doesn't think so. She seems to
think that I most likely picked up a parasite while camping over the
4th of July and swimming in untreated, forest creek water. Fortunately
if it does appear to be a parasite I can have it treated with little
problem. Its the mental part though that upsets me. I've been camping
and swimming up in that area since I was just a few weeks old. So what
does this mean? Will I have to limit what I do, limit my life? These
are the things that pass through the head of an HIV positive 22 year
old. I want to be able to live unconditional, unrestrained. Yet, I
have to double think some of these things though. I refuse to let HIV
hold me down though. This disease has reshaped my life in so many
ways, good and bad. I am so much more self-aware and aware of those
around me. I strive to live a healthy, productive life in a way in
which I never have before. Yet, it has also brought a dark shadow that
sits heavily upon my soul. Gone is innocence and purity. I have a
comprehension of life that sometimes is vilified with terror. Finding
a balance between a healthy reality and an overzealous fear of death
is hard, sometimes nearly impossible. It is something I will do every
day though, until I die.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Accomplishments

Feeling the setbacks of HIV, emotionally and physically, it is
important to find ways that you can pull yourself up and most
importantly, pull yourself FORWARD. When I was first diagnosed, my
T-Cell count was 345. That was very upsetting for me because it meant
my T cells were at a low level that would require me to start
medication very soon. If you look back at some of my blogs in the very
beginning of my diagnosis, I wrote how I wanted to stay of HIV
medication at least until I was out of college. Unfortunately, because
my T cells lingered in the 350 range at my next count, medication was
something I needed to start if I didn't want to experience severe
damage to my immune system in the next few years.

As most of you know from reading my blogs, T Cells are the important
white blood cells that fight infection. When you have HIV, your T
Cells are killed off, and after you get below 200, you have AIDS. A
normal range is between 500-1000 T Cells. Well today I found out that
my T Cells have climbed to 521, which means I am at a normal, healthy
range. Although I didn't feel many effects of HIV, it feels so good to
know that I am considered normal again. Granted its a low-normal, none
the less its a goal I have wanted to reach and had no idea I could do
it so quickly. HIV is not just a physical ailment, it is very mental
as well. To survive and thrive with HIV, you have to be comfortable
with your status and health. Today, thursday, I am the most
comfortable with my status as I've ever been. Even when I thought I
was HIV-, I wasn't very comfortable with my status because I didn't
KNOW my status. I thought I did, but unless you have that paper in
front of you declaring you infected or not infected, your status is
merely suspected. I'm not happy I'm positive, in fact I despise the
fact that HIV has decided to take residence in me. Given the
circumstances though, I must find pride in my life, in my disease.
Everytime I get a better piece of news, a good result, or wake up
feeling healthier than the day before, I get a small win for myself.
It means I'm fighting the disease, and I'm fighting it hard. Its
taxation on my immune system will not come without representation.

As happy as I am today about my T Cells being up by nearly 200 since
February, I did have a set back. I have been experiencing some really
bad stomach issues for almost three weeks now. It has gotten to the
point some days where I feel like its robbing me of my freedom,
robbing me of my choice to pick what I eat (and instead go with
something that will be less reactive to my stomach). I thought it may
be my meds, but the doctor I saw today doesn't think so. She seems to
think that I most likely picked up a parasite while camping over the
4th of July and swimming in untreated, forest creek water. Fortunately
if it does appear to be a parasite I can have it treated with little
problem. Its the mental part though that upsets me. I've been camping
and swimming up in that area since I was just a few weeks old. So what
does this mean? Will I have to limit what I do, limit my life? These
are the things that pass through the head of an HIV positive 22 year
old. I want to be able to live unconditional, unrestrained. Yet, I
have to double think some of these things though. I refuse to let HIV
hold me down though. This disease has reshaped my life in so many
ways, good and bad. I am so much more self-aware and aware of those
around me. I strive to live a healthy, productive life in a way in
which I never have before. Yet, it has also brought a dark shadow that
sits heavily upon my soul. Gone is innocence and purity. I have a
comprehension of life that sometimes is vilified with terror. Finding
a balance between a healthy reality and an overzealous fear of death
is hard, sometimes nearly impossible. It is something I will do every
day though, until I die.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Confessions

It has been about six and half months since my diagnosis, and I can say that I have been through some of the biggest ups and downs that I could have never expected. My life is slowly returning to normal and I am able to look back now on everything I went through those first few painful months. It’s as if I’m peering through a window at the last 6 months, and for the first time I can see everything, clear as day. I’ve come to many realizations about the time period now and who I was and who I have become.

One of the things that is most visible to me now is all the false emotions. I went into this mode right after my diagnosis where if I could do as much volunteer work as possible, learn as much as I possibly I could about the virus, share my story to as many people as humanly possible, etc. that it would validate my being infected. There’s a fine line between strength and reality, and balancing the two factors can be so difficult in times of such distress. I feel that those first few months I overloaded myself with too many emotions. I played the victim to those around me, had a need for affection because of my diagnosis. I’ve come to realize that I used sex for a long time as a coping mechanism, one in order to find security, confidence, and acceptance. When that plan backfired on me, I no longer knew how to cope. When the one thing I had relied on for so long to get me through the rough years of self-acceptance ended up being the one thing that gave me this virus, I became tactless. I transformed my need for acceptance that I had gotten by having sex, into what sex had caused: the virus to be inhabiting my body.

I’m not downplaying the validity of my blog, some of the volunteer work I did, and the speaking I’ve done. That has all been me, real and raw. It has come from the heart, and continues to come from the heart. What I am owning up to is how I think I may have manipulated my situation because I had so many other issues that I hadn’t yet resolved; getting my diagnosis unveiled a lot of those issues. Drinking was one of them. For those of you that know me, you know I’m definitely the partying type. I can definitely say at the time I was infected (almost 3 years ago now) my drinking was out of control. I was partying hard, was about to get a DUI, and making some poor decisions. Between the time I was infected and the time I received my diagnosis my drinking wavered between excessive and sometimes non-existent. To me though, I didn’t have a problem. I didn’t drink during the day, I always showed up for work, even if I was hungover, etc. Since my diagnosis though, I have become more aware of the people around me. It’s when I saw my drinking hurt people I care about and love (my mom, my ex-boyfriend, some really good friends who no longer talk to me) that I became concerned. And it took a several months for me to admit this, but I do realize that I have problems with drinking. It’s something I’ve been addressing, but I know this. I don’t want to ever hurt someone who really cares about me again because of some immature decision (like excessive drinking). If you have been hurt by it, I apologize. I mean that with all my heart.

Another issue that I feel I have had to confront is my ability to relate to other people in a realistic way. I didn’t realize it for a long time, but I see now that I can be self-centered. That’s a trait that I am trying very hard to work off, and I would consider my actions against it pretty good. It’s funny to a degree, because I never saw it before, but now it is so clear. I had a tendency not to use people for their things, or money, etc., but for their attention. In return, I gave little concern to what they may have been going through in their life. I told myself I was such a great friend, but in reality I wasn’t the friend I thought I was. That’s something else about me that I have been really working to change, and whether or not I can ever re-establish some of these friendships again, I will work to build new ones. And more real ones.

I’m not using this blog entry to bash myself. I’m just owning up to some of the things I’ve done wrong. To sum up this entire entry in one sentence, its to show how getting a life altering diagnosis, such as HIV, can bring so many other things to the table that one refuses to acknowledge. I had a choice: I could go on being a semi-decent person, a bad friend, and struggle with HIV, or I could change my lifestyle, who I am as a person, and live with HIV with much more support. And that’s what I am doing. It will take a long time to be the person I ultimately want to be, to right a lot of the wrongs, but I have a lot of leeway in the process now that I can recognize what I did and how I was, and really be so much better of a person.

Amongst

Being HIV+, I've learned to accept many things, one of them being unconditional, superfluous amounts of support. I started my day off calling a hospital inquiring about support groups, and it led to meeting some of the most amazing people. Its wonderful how much support and care total strangers are capable of giving. In a time marred by terrorism, political truthiness (its a word, ask Stephen Colbert), and economic insanity I have lost so much faith in humanity; the innocence and purity that comes with being young fizzles out more and more everyday. Others coping with this virus, especially those who have been accustomed to never ending T-Cell counts and too many funerals, have helped me re-establish a belief in the human soul. I have been blessed to have so many individuals reach out to me with lingering support based on the fact that I am a young man with an unfortunate serostatus. With HIV- people, I always sense a copious amount of pity in their voice when they discuss this virus with me. HIV+ persons who have came into my life still have that same desperation to see me prosper, yet it lacks pity. It is much for faith filled. They have felt those pangs of unprecedented sadness; each one of us have felt this immense fear.

So tonight, as I ride home on BART from one of the most uplifting support groups (and one of the most uplifting days of my life), I want to take a second to thank every HIV positive person who has came into my life in the past 152 days that I have known about my status and given me something. Whether it be some sort of key piece of knowledge, a lasting statement intent on easing my burden, or a shoulder to cry on in a hard moment. It may have been a ride home because I was drunk again drowning my sorrows, or it could have been the verbal bitchslap I needed to wake up during a weak moment. You have all given, and given graciously. Whether or not you realized you did, I noticed. I hope one day I can repay you and help you in a time of need. We are all special, unique creatures that feel so many common emotions. To those of us in this battle, we are all the more unique in the fact we can find some pride and dignity in supporting each others. I care and love all of you so, so much. I could not be alive right now without the help you have given me. I have felt some of the most negative feelings because of this. I have wanted to, and tried to do myself in. Yet I am here, still, and I owe so much of it to you. While HIV is nothing to be proud of, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Take pride in the knowledge and power the virus has distilled upon you though, and the strength you have found in yourself to pass those things along to a once hopeless, newly diagnosed person: me.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Camping

July 5, 2009 12:34 AM

So I'm camping right now and blogging from my blackberry (as I often do), so this will be uploaded post facto (as I do not get cell phone reception here). So right now I'm sitting here in front of the campfire thinking. Although it is a quick camping trip, it has been a therapeutic one.

As much of a diva homo I can be, for those who really know me they know camping is and has been a huge part of my life. My family has been coming here for many many years (in face my grandma started coming here in the 60's, started spending her entire summer up here in the 70's, and was buried up here in 2007). I've been coming up to these beautiful mountains since I was only a few months old. Each year in my life, as with anyone growing up, I have significant changes in my life. For me, I use my camping trip as some sort of a timestamp. I reflect on where my life is at that time. Since my diagnosis I have reflected more on my 22 years, 20 days, and some odd hours more than I ever have in my entire life. And although I didn't realize it throughout the years, the timetable I created for myself each summer has become a game of connect the dots, waiting to be played until some conspicuous moment in my existence. That time is now, and that has been what this trip has been about for me.

I surprised myself though. I thought I wouldn't be able to get Daniel off my mind, as he was the first guy I really shared Poker Flat (the place where I camp) with. That was a huge thing for me; we shared so many amazing moments I retain in memories and pictures. I miss him, so very much. But I have worked so hard to get over him and I've proven it to myself from this trip. Even after we broke up, I didn't want to let myself reclaim my independence because I had hope we would be a fairy tale and things would work out. Yet, time after time, I was denied by him. The first guy who ever told me no to love. That fact hurt almost as much as the pain of wanting to revitalize out stagnant relationship. I've known since the day we took our own paths though that my first trip to Poker Flat without him would either make or break my individuality. For the first time in a long time I have surprised myself, unallowing myself to feel the anchor of pain caused my our tragic, inevitable demise.

I will be raw and honest though. I broke down for a bit today. Not from a guy though, believe it or not. But from the memories of a woman, a woman that so many of my friends would have been blessed to know. I stood over my grandmother's grave today asking her, "How different would my life have turned out if I had really gotten to know you, grandma, had Alzheimer's not robbed your wise and wisdom from me when I was so young?" She was such a strong, daring person; I wonder if there was some sort of knowledge she could have taught me that would have prevented my seroconversion (the technical term for going from HIV- to HIV+). Did you possess some snippet of information, reassurance, or self-security that, had you not bequeathed your wealth of knowledge to this miserable disease, would have disarmed the virus of entering my body? Furthermore, had you not grown so mentally distant, would you preventing this virus from me have meant that the cure for HIV was having a witted grandmother who didn't have Alzheimer's? Granted that this is such a silly, illogical question, it is conceivable to ponder that, as my self-cure from getting the virus may have been some sort of influence you may have provided me with. Beloved grandma, who was mentally taken from me at such a premature stage in both of our lives, please provide me with answers. As I know we no longer share the same world, wherever you are, whether it be heaven, beside me, or in the mountains filled with gold (the ones you loved so much), provide me with answers. Provide me with answers so that next year when I am up here pondering on my growth from this moment I can say, "Thank you, grandma. I survived my first year as being diagnosed HIV+, and your heavenly push kept me going."
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

A Cocktail You Won't Find at the Bar

Truvada, Reyataz, and Norvir. What does that mean to you? The last names of the three wise men? Greetings in Armenian?? Well, they mean a lot to me. From now on those are my new best friends. They are the 3 HIV medications that I start later today. Fortunately I only take them once a day, but the idea of 3 pills is a little overwhelming. But I must prevail. I am nervous, I'm not gonna lie, but I know I will benefit from these pills. In a matter of weeks my viral load will drop to an undetectable level and my t cells will rise. Its crazy to think my life free of HIV medication is over, but its refreshing to know I will FINALLY have a physical upper hand in this. I will snicker at this virus as it slowly dissipates. Although it will never leave my body, the virus will be sent into hiding like the scared rebel it is. Sianora! Please, don't send postcards from the vacation you will be taking. My T-Cells will no longer accept your RSVPs
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

I ain't Sayin' you ain't Pretty...

For the first time in so long I can smile. I can smile and really mean it. I'm truly happy right now. Nothing specific has really happened, I've just felt detached from the grueling depression that was enveloping me. It's weird because I've taken myself off my beloved Paxil and it's actually helped me feel better. I've had some anxiety, but mood wise I've been more up, out, and about then I've been in months.

I have my consultation in less then 12 hours for my first line HIV treatment. It has got me nervous as hell, but I think I'm ready. I have to discuss what medications are appropriate with my doctor, but hopefully this time tomorrow I'll have some answers and possibly even some medications to get my T-Cells back where they belong. I've been dreading starting medication, but then I had an Epiphany today (I love that word btw). Is that millions of people died, and are still dying, wishing they had the opportunities that I have right now. HIV persisted for 15 years without any good, concrete treatment and in that time people were dying off left and right. They would have given anything to have the available treatment we have now. Unfortunately, that thought was clouded by my selfish pity that I had, dwelling on the fact of my outcome. But I'm not dying. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I feel like I have this terrible disease, eating away at me, waiting to take me. But that's not the case. And I believe it now. I REALLY do. I have everything to live for. The last few months I had been feeling like someone took away the last 2 years of my life, and that now this disease was going to take away the rest of it. But I'm done hating. Hating him, hating this virus. That's a huge part why I haven't updated in so long. I felt so lost. I was in a haze of depression and funk.

And I'm not gonna lie I was disappointed with everyone who didn't donate 5 or 10 bucks to my AIDS walk. I'm sorry, but I sent out plenty of texts, and the fact that nobody could help me out made me not want to update. I'm not doing God's work here, but it isn't easy opening your most deepest feelings like this. Especially of such a sensitive subject. But whatever. I'm over it and on to greener pastures. Goodnight everyone.

Cabin in the Woods

The ghostly-gray fog swam mysteriously, rising just high enough to haunt the rusted door handle of the abandoned cabin. The corpse-colored wood of the cabin had rotted brutally due of the snowy winters in this majestic forest. On this autumn day, the crisp breeze blew pine needles and rocky-brown dust against the tin roof that covered the cabin like a halo. The constant ping of forest debris against the corroded, golden-brown roof was just loud enough to hear over the whooshing wind. This decaying relic in the forest, slightly slanted to the right, stood only yards away from the rocky pathway that twisted and turned through the hills. Looking straight on at the cabin, one would easily notice that the perfectly crafted rectangular windows, each sorrowly missing their long-gone glass coverings, were evenly spaced on the second-floor, on either side of the door. This simple architectural design made it look as if the front of the cabin was really a wide-eyed ghost, one of fearful expression; the long door a gaping mouth. As the sun peeked higher and higher over the heavenly mountains, covered with the greenest pine trees on earth, the fog crawled slowly back into its grave. The cabin knew though that within a day’s rotation, the ghastly fog would return to dance and drift along its foundation.

Terrible Twos

So yesterday would have been Daniel and I's two year anniversary. The whole week before I had been dreading it. I'm not gonna lie. I thought I was going to be super depressed and down, but to be honest it was a breeze. I actually didn't even realize it until halfway through the day. And on top of that, I got to spend the ENTIRE day with my wonderful boyfriend Julian. We laid out, swam, watched movies, tanned, ate pizza, drank beer, went to the doctors. Ya know...the typical day of what the life of an HIV positive individual should look like. Hahaha jk. But I'm not gonna lie, it was a very relaxing day. Muchos besos babe!!
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Tonight...We Ponder

Why is it that we, as human beings, find such devout reassurance in the love of another? Why do we allow the love for another to supersede the love for oneself; especially when we know that the person closest to us has the infiltrating power to abuse that love. It is our human nature to always shield pain from being afflicted. Therefore, isn't it logical to bequeath one's heart to themself, sparing the pain and heartache that comes from loving another?
What is it about the occurrence of an unfortunate, yet mutually exclusive event that hyperbolizes the pain of having loved another? Does that coincide with the feeling of love being uplifted when a mutually exclusive positive event takes place? For example, the love you have for you partner is heightened upon, say, receiving a great pay raise. Most importantly, why does the painful aspects of love eclipse its gentle, warm radiance?
I'm trying to determine why love intertwines in every aspect, event, and stage of our life. Love determines so much of our life: how often we do a certain event, how happy our hearts allow us to be, where we decide to go away to whether it be temporary or for good. Love also determines if going away is temporary or for good. Love and logic are essentially the two tools we use in decision making. Yet, who draws the fine line of reasoning that create the distinction between them?
These are age old questions, I know. I am not the first to ask them and most certainly won't be the last. The questions themselves aren't the emphasis of this, though. The emphasis is if, and when, they will be answered
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Sweet Dreams

The night. It's always the most painful time for me. It's when the world goes silent, everyone tunes out. Yet I continue on, my brain rattles inside my sinking head. When sleep finally arrives, it's the least painful part of my day...for I can dream. Dream of a time when I was free of this virus, free of the pain. I dream of being happy again. I dream of freedom from this prison of guilt that I inhabit. I dream that I can stop time, if only for a moment, so that I can longer enjoy this nightly reprieve.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Boys of Suimmer...

Since I was 15 I have always considered the Friday before Memorial Day to be the start of the "Gay Summer Season". This holy Friday, in which I look forward to every year, is always "Gay Day" at Great America. It's a special event that Great America theme park holds every year. It's from 5 PM and goes on until the wee hours of 2 AM. Thousands of homos indulge themselves in a fun filled evening of roller coasters, drinks, and dancing. It has always started out my summer because it's the first major gay-friendly event of the summer. Then comes my birthday in June, followed by Pride in San Francisco just a few weeks later. I usually consider the close out of the "Gay Summer Season" to be the Love Festival in San Francisco.

I know this seems like an awkward topic to bring up in my blog, but you have to understand the importance of this day for me. It is like Christmas for an 8 year old. Every year that I have gone, which is every year since 2003, I have tried to make it as special as I can. From the first time I went with my much loved, ultra gay friend Joshie, thru my senior year with Kimber and Oscar, and Desirae and the everybody, until last year with Daniel (who knew it was going to be our last time, that was also the same day we found out we got the apartment in Long Beach); every year has held a special part in my homolicious little heart. Most importantly though, I've always noted how I've grown bit by bit each year. I still remember sitting in my high school Biology class, sophomore year, waiting to get out of 6th period so I could embark on my first trip to Gay Day. I look back and laugh, missing the naive 15 year old that I was. Not knowing where my life was going to go, but thinking I knew everything. Being so secure in who I was, yet so insecure in what I was to become. And now I think about it more and more.

The past 106 days (since my diagnosis) I have changed so much. Some days I have grown, some days I have fallen apart. Some days I have learned, and some days have left me longing for more answers. More and more, I feel rattled by the thought of what I could be, instead of what I am. I feel guilty because I was in a good spot pre-diagnosis. Between school, work, and life, things weren't half bad. Granted it had been hard being away from my family and Nor Cal friends, life was working out. It seems like I think of time in a measurement of B.H. and A.H. (Before HIV, After HIV). Before I knew I was positive, I had this sense of innocence, this sense of freedom. Now I feel like those things have been placed in a time capsule. I can dig it up and look at it, hold it, as if it were some sort of emotional relic, yet never experience it fully again. I've been feeling the ball and chain of the virus tied around my tan little ankle. Life was a playground before. I could have all the fun I wanted with no sense of consequence. Yet I fell off life's monkey bars and landed in the thorny stems of reality. Cause and effect is real, action and reaction a truth.

I'm no longer the 15 year old with frosted tips, riding carefree on roller coasters every Friday before Memorial Day. I'm not longer the know it all 20 year old, carefully sneaking vodka into a theme park on that Friday in May. Now I'm an infected 21 year old, with a new sense of raw reality of life's offerings. I know now what humans are capable of doing to each other, knowingly and unknowingly. Guardian angels don't bubble wrap your fall. Your beloved mother can't always fix your owwies with a simple band aid, not anymore. So when the "gay summer" starts tomorrow, where will I be when it ends. Most importantly, how will I feel?

Believe it or Not, it was Vanity that Killed the Cat

The reason for my extended silence when it comes to my blog is simple: Depression. Over the last month I seem to have run into this brick wall of sadness and depression. Yet I feel like I am finally climbing my way over it.

Accepting my HIV status has proved harder to me than I thought it would. I have felt so many different emotions throughout the last 3 months it's unbelievable. There were times where I was so Gung Ho to fight against HIV both personally and through community outreach. There were times where I was so upset I felt reckless. For the most part everything seemed like it had been day by day. Depending on the events, circumstances and responsibilities of each day, my feeling for that entire day could swing either way. Yet during April everything seemed to flat line in a black hole of depression. I haven't had the motivation to say the words I need to say on here. I didn't have the motivation to seek some sort of mental/physical health care up here. Getting out of bed and slapping that big, fat, fake smile on my face and waiting tables became almost unbearable. It's hard to watch a 2 year relationship crumble in front of my face as I fight the hardest fight of my life: accepting my HIV status and starting my life over.

I always found security in sex. Sex made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. Daniel made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. But I have lost my faith in sex. It has become this dirty omen, a nasty game of win or lose where the odds aren't in your favor. I've heard about so many kids my age in the past month finding out that they were newly diagnosed with HIV that it makes me sick. How can sex be so beautiful, yet be so murderous? Following on my second sentence in this paragraph, I lost everything with Daniel. We both are to fault, and I definitely blame HIV in being the final nail in the coffin. Him being negative, and me finding out that I am positive, he just couldn't handle my emotions. We allowed the virus to take hold, and rip us apart. Even as I get to know Julian better and our relationship grows, the anger and pain I have from what became of Daniel and I became supersedes my ability to fully embrace my seroconversion to being HIV+. How long does it take to get over someone who you felt abandoned you at such a significant, crucial time? A month? Two Months? Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes? But from all of this I know two things: One - I will have to forgive Daniel for the pain I feel he has caused me before I can alleviate my depression and Two - I need to learn from the mistakes both he and I made, so that my current relationship to such a fascinating person does not follow a similar pattern.

To address my title for this blog, I have found that doing things to improve me both on the inside and outside really helps me feel less depressed. Call me vain, but I think feeling sexy, attractive, and desirable is an important aspect of life. It calms insecurities, creates confidence, and supports individualism. We all have to find our own ways to feel sexy. America idolizes beauty. As ridiculous as it is, beauty often surpasses morals when it comes being an American. And I won't lie, I quite oft fall victim to wanting to be a little more attractive, a little more fit, a little more intellectual. Being cultured and knowledgeable, especially about current events, is something that I believe makes someone much more attractive. Granted I love a chiseled jaw line, a golden tan, and abs you could suck a Kettle One Cosmopolitan out of, knowledge is so sexy. I want to learn. Whether it's about Mulholland's importance in the creation of the L.A. aqueduct, how to make the perfect casserole, how much cocaine Lindsay Lohan had for breakfast, or what the UN is doing to combat the rising tension between North Korea's nuclear program and the rest of the world, I want to learn. But I also want to be attractive. So if you see me at the gym reading the encyclopedia (or The National Enquirer), please say hello :)

Feeling up

Tonight was a good night. I love my friends.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Words

This is how I've been. I miss feeling normal. I wish that happiness would RSVP to my pity party.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Identity Theft

YOU stole my identity. YOU took everything away from me that I had going. YOU knew you were infected, yet didn't bother to tell me. YOU were playing Russian roulette with my life, and I lost. Lady GaGa said it right: "Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun." Yeah, it would probably be a lot less painful.

But I've located YOU. YOU weren't smart enough to change YOUR number. I went all Encyclopedia Brown on YOUR ass and was able to find you. It's been a number of years, a few guys, one long relationship, and a hell of a road. But I know now. I know what I have. I know what YOU did it to me. And I'm going to give your info to the right people, investigators, so they can do whatever they have to do to YOU. Press charges, prosecute, whatever. I don't care. As long as you feel an ounce of the pain that I have, I'll be happy.

I'm not one for revenge. I've held my grudges in the past, but have learned that they are unhealthy. How could I ever forgive YOU though? YOU knew what you were doing when I didn't. YOU had at least 15 years on me, YOU knew the good sides of life and the dark sides. I was 19. Young, naive, reckless. Alcohol was my best friend. Cocaine was even a little bit closer of a friend. I thought I was being young and having fun. YOU knew my vulnerability. And YOU sprung upon it. YOU tore me apart while I was having fun, only to silently work YOUR way back into my life through my T-Cells. I left YOUR house, YOUR bedroom that last day. Yet YOU never left me. YOU never will. As I live the rest of my long, adventurous life, the HIV YOU gave me, will forever multiply, go dormant, yet still be resilient if I miss my medication.

Are YOU happy?

All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies

I can't believe it. Almost two years, and I'm single again. It hurts . I'm not going to go into the gory details of why we broke up, but he hurt me. Very bad. I'm heartbroken right now. I feel as if I'm already on the ground, especially with all that going on in my life, and he had the nerve to break my heart. Smash it into 1,000 pieces. Or for my RENT fans, he smashed it into five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred pieces. haha....sorry I always need a little bit of humor. Even when I'm down and out, and I'm on my last leg, I need some humor.

I didn't know if I was going to be with him forever. I'm not one of those cliche people who "omg we are gonna be together forever". I try to live for the moment, and for the near future. I'm a realist, and try not to set my expectations too high. But I never ever in a million years, or five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred years for that matter ;) thought it would end like this. It's just painful and crushing. I have a tire iron on my chest crushing me trying to squeeze all the strength it can out of me, but I'm stronger than that. I know I need to focus on myself right now. Not on guys, not on drama, not on anything other than making sure I'm getting back to top shape. Acceptance is a fucking bitch. On top of me accepting the fact that I have HIV, I have to accept the fact that now I'm on my own. My heart belongs to me again, someone doesn't have half of it by a death grip.

I miss him. I miss him so much. And it's only been a day. And I will miss him until the day that I die, but I am just in so much pain. It's okay to miss somebody that you hate for the time being. I know that it takes two to tango, and everything was not his fault. I know I had my faults in our relationship, but I've learned a lot from them. I just pray there are other people out there who can deal with me. like he did. Before I was on anti-depressants I was a raging bitch, and he put up with it every single day. I know he loves me. I know his instinct isn't to hurt me, but his instinct isn't to give me everything I need right now. His instinct is himself, and right now, that's what my instinct needs to me, what is good for Nick Morgan.

Rock Bottom

I'm quitting drinking. I mean it. No more alcohol, it is toxic to me. Last night I was out having drinks (5 Tanquery Martinis and a Blojob shot) to be exact. When I got home, for some reason in my drunken state, I became extremely upset and depressed. I did the dumbest thing imaginable: I swallowed all my Paxil, Klonopin, and Trazadone. Great mix, right? A anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, and sleeping pill massive cocktail.

Suicide attempt? No. Cry for help? Most definitely. Right after I did it I went and told my sister, then things just flashed by. Police came, paramedics came, and I was whisked away in an ambulance. I spent the entire night in the hospital, had my stomach pumped, had a cathater (fucking OUCH), and the whole nine yards. Oh, and when they drew my blood, my blood alcohol level was .257, and that was more than an hour after I had stopped drinking. Why I'm still alive, I don't know. But I am blessed. What I did was extremely selfish, stupid, and inconsiderate. Enough of the gory details though, I really want to focus on how I felt, and how I feel now.

Trapped. That's exactly how I felt when I came to (yet still heavily intoxicated) at the hospital. I had to be held down in restraints. Somewhere in my delusions, I thought that I had been kidnapped. I dont' remember everything I did or said, but I remember exactly how I felt. I felt the most intense fear I have ever felt, I can still feel yet. I felt more helpless than ever. I didn't consciously realize where I was, and there was a security guard watching over me, so I thought I was being held captive. I ask myself now, are those feelings related to my HIV status? I feel captured right now. I feel helpless. It feels like it will never go away. Anyone who knows me well, knows I can be kind of a control freak. I very much things my way, but I try to compromise. It's because I like to handle things, I like to handle situations. And I can't handle this. I can't reach into my veins and pull this horrible virus out of me. I try, so hard I try. Just knowing that there's something inside of me that is multiplying and multiplying and multiplying. I can't control it. Yeah I can got in meds when I need to, and live a healthier lifestyle, etc. etc. etc. But, I can never just remove it from me. I feel I'm wearing the scarlet letter, forever embedded in my blood and mind.

I just feel so confused. I feel like I do all these great things to get me ahead, yet I find someway to regress. It's like a nonstop, rapid paced game of Chutes and Latters, and unfortunately my gameboard has longer chutes than it does latters. Does anybody know a carpenter? :) Really though, I just need to figure out how to keep myself on top of this game. Fulltime. Not half time like I have been doing. I mean I've been doing all these crucial, amazing things. Speaking to people, allowing others into my life for the sake of themselves to learn and protect themselves, have completely changed my eating habits, everything. But the other half the time I'm drinking myself to oblivian, or beating myself up, or crying, or blaming, or having the pity-party of the year. It needs to stop. I keep telling myself it, but never doing it. So like I said earlier, I'm making a very bold change that many of you know will be hard for me, I'm completely quitting drinking. My mom, stepdad, and I all decided that some sort of outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I don't know if I'm a typical alcoholic, but I know that I have drinking problems. I know I need to stop. Maybe not forever, but definitely until my life is back to normal, and I can learn to stop at 2 or 3 drinks, instead of 7 or 8. I can't have another night like last night happening again, ever.

And I just broke up with my boyfriend. Seriously, as I was writing this blog, I found some shit out, and broke up with him. So I need to end it here. I'm in too much pain to talk about it tomorrow. I will try my hardest to update tomorrow, I'm just drowning in tears right now.

Goodbye Long Beach

I know I've been quiet lately. It's not that I have forgotten about my blog. It started because of a personal reason that I'm not yet ready to disclose, despite Garry urging me to, I just can't talk about it yet. But the silence has continued for a while because I just have been at a loss for words when it comes to my blog. I have sat here for 15, 20, 30 minutes at a time and have tried to get everything out I have needed to say. But when I go to gather my feelings and thoughts and articulate them, I get writer's block. Writer's block of the feelings. But I know I need to keep up with this. For me, for you, for everyone. So I am trying to become stable with my feelings.

Lately I've just been feeling more self-pity. I've been beating myself up mentally more, withdrawing from my inner self, and letting time pass me by. I don't know why, depression maybe? I have definitely been feeling not as strong as I did at first, or even a few weeks ago. I've been mentally and physically exhausted, even if I get 10 hours of sleep that night. It's been hard to get myself out of bed in the morning sometimes. I know that needs to stop. And it will. The range of emotions I have felt since D-Day (Feb. 4th) have been such a spectacle. I have learned to appreciate life and become a better person, yet at the same time I've been falling apart inside and fighting life. I have been damning it as much as I have been appreciating it. I've been laughing a little bit harder, yet crying more than ever. I have this burning strength to share my story, educate others, yet this fear of every decision I make. I feel like I am holding my life in the palm of my hand, like a snow globe, and just watching it.

Guilt. I hate guilt. But I have been feeling it so much lately. I feel like the world is getting the best of me, and I'm a spring that has not even had the chance to be sprung. I know I'm in such a good situation though. With my family, friends, support groups, knowledge, everything. I know I'm on top of the virus, I have it by the throat and I'm fighting it. My logic tells me that, yet my emotion still defeats my logic, and I cave in all too often.

345. 40,000. What are those? Numbers, right? Just simple numbers. But they are 2 numbers I will forever always remember. I got my T-Cell count and my viral load back last week. My T-Cell (good immune system cells) were 345. What does that mean? Well it means if the next few blood draws stay below 500 I can expect to be on medication in the next 6 months. And from there, for the rest of my life. Granted they have made fabulous advancements in treatments and medications, it's still an acceptance issue. Accepting the fact that a little pill, the size of my ever-so-dear Paxil (which keeps me sane!), will play a big part in keeping me ALIVE and HEALTHY. 40,000. What number is that? Well, that is my viral load count. How much virus is in a unit of my blood. Although 40,000 sounds like such a high number, in this battle it isn't THAT bad. Some people have viral loads of 500,000, a million. One lady I met today, probably one of the bravest women I have ever met, had a viral load count of 33,000,000 at one point. The fact that she is still living and breathing is a blessing. Once I start medication, my viral load will probably go down to undetectable (less than 48 viral load count) within a month or two. Scared. That's exactly how I felt after hearing those numbers. It just made everything all so real. It also gave me a jumping off point too though. I have numbers I can rely on now, and work for to improve. But still, scared. Scared of the fact that I will have to live my life dedicated to one or more pills until a cure is found or I die.

Anyways, back to the title of this post. Tonight is my last night in Long Beach. As Mark from RENT would say, "From here on out I shoot without a script." That is how I feel. I am so excited to get back to Tracy. No more ghetto, no more waiting tables on some of the most rude and ignorant people I have ever met, no more public transportation and college starvation. I get a retreat to a former place. See former faces. I don't yet know if I will move back to Long Beach or stay up in NorCal for college. I will miss Long Beach. I have learned so much about life since I moved down here last July. I have learned to struggle, learned to rely on myself, learned to rely on other people, learned to live with somebody I love, learned to laugh, live, and cry hard. It is hard to separate the feelings of me going back home and giving up. I know I am not giving up. But part of me feels like it. I worked so hard to get down here, get back in college, pay the bills, everything. But I know it's not healthy for me. Too many opportunities to party hard, live unhealthy, and miss my friends and FAMILY way too much. I need a slower lifestyle, for my own sanity. I am so very excited about working at Chili's in Tracy again too. I miss that store, crew, and management team dearly. They are all so wonderful, and it will be like seeing long lost family members again.

But to everyone who has helped me out here, thank you so much. Especially to Daniel, my boyfriend. You have kept me alive. I have put you through some shit, angry times, disappointment, everything. Yet you still stand beside me. Thank you! Garry, you have also kept me alive. If I had not had the chance to come into your life, yet still have been HIV positive, I don't know where I would be right now. I don't even know if I would be alive right now. You have been real, blunt, and insightful. All of the Chili's Long Beach team, you guys are amazing. Stephen we have had some crazy nights, Jackie you held me up when I wanted to fall, everyone. Andrew you hugged me when I just sat there at 24 one night and cried because I felt like giving up. I will miss you dearly. I can't possibly mention everyone, but you will all be in my mind tomorrow evening as I watch Long Beach disappear in my rear view mirror. But it's not goodbye. I'll be back. Actually, as soon as next week because I have a doctor's appointment. haha. You guys can't get rid of me. But honestly, thank you everyone. Please keep reading this. Especially if I am leaving you. So you know how I'm doing, and let me know how you are doing! Please. I hope the best for everyone, and I look forward to seeing all of you soon.

The only one that ever knew me., Merlot...

so many feelings, so little time

Hypochondriac, much??

Today I woke up feeling like hell. I've had a cough for the past couple weeks that usually is only when I wake up, but today I was coughing so hard that it hurt. Eventually it subsided but I still felt like crap. My first thought was OH NO! Being a pessimist, which I am trying to change, my first thought was what is it? Pneumosystis Pneumonia? Tuberculosis? Then after I took one of my anxiety pills I was able to ration that it's just a cold.

For those first few hours, though, alone in my apartment and scared, I thought the worst. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I don't know where I stand just yet in this fight. Maybe it's because some of the fears and worries that a certain case manager put in my head. Or maybe it's just the naiveness that comes with being newly diagnosed. Logically, I know I am not dying. I know I may never die from this. My emotions are not in balance those. It often seems like my logic side is in World War III with my emotional side. Sometimes logic wins a battle, other times, often times, emotion wins the battle. Thank god for Paxil and Klonopin or I would be a complete mess right now.

I almost feel as if I am one of those alcoholics who accept Jesus as their savior. Everything happens for Jesus this and Jesus that. Except everytime I have a cough, sneeze, or some stuffiness it's happening because of HIV. And while I know that's not true logically, as Garry (my mentor and savior) has grilled that into my brain, my emotions start running high and the fear rises. I know eventually that fear will subside and I will rationally be able to handle my worries. Until then I guess it's just a game of trying to convince myself that I am being a debbie downer and I need to think with my logic, and not my emotions.

P.S. Garry wrote a blog related to something I had to face by a certain case manager. Please take the time to read it @ http://spotu.wordpress.com/

also don't forget to help my AIDS walk group by either joining and committing to walking and raising money, or just donating whatever amount you can :) www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/nmorgan204

Confessions of an HIV+ Drama Queen

Oh wednesdays, how I love you. Not quite a monday, but definitely not a friday. Took my car in to get fixed today so for the next 5-7 business days expect me to be cruising to around the mean streets of Long Beach on bus and bike. If you see me, offer me a ride dammi !!! :)

So I have two main things that I would like to blog about today. The first one is my relationship. As everybody knows, Daniel showed up as HIV-. I'm begginging to feel the confusion in our relationship...

I've always been an "in your face" type when getting information about things. When I found out I was HIV+ my first instinct was to be inquisitive about as much information as possible. Gathering hordes of info and support was one of my main mechanisms in accepting the news. I know Daniel loves me very much, but I have been questioning his ability to accept my diagnosis and cater to my acceptance/grieving needs. He has not been out there gathering info, and five weeks after ground zero he still knows very little. It hurts me to an extent because I feel it puts a barrier in our relationship. He is HIV-, but WE are HIV+. I've discussed this lately with him, and I know you are probably reading this Danny, but is so important to me that you embrace this, embrace US for what it is now. Being HIV+ I feel the loneliest I have ever felt, yet I sleep next to someone I love so very much every night. This brings such a emotional dynamic to our relationship. This is one that most relationships never face, especially in young adults. Please don't take the wrong message from this and think our relationship is on the rocks, but I want, I NEED everybody to understand the burden this adds to a relationship so that hopefully no one reading this will end up facing the same burden.

The next thing that I want to discuss is a huge mistake I made. I had two friends from Nor Cal that I care about very much over at my apartment for a few days. Unfortunately one of the nights my friend and I got pretty drunk. I blacked out somewhere between a lemon drop and a Kettle One shot and we got into a fight. I said some things and acted without regard for anyone except myself. I do not remember what was said, but it was hurtful enough that she was gone by the time I woke up the next morning. While I don't want to go into the ugly details, it makes me question my drinking while I am still in such a fragile emotional state.

I have been drinking too much lately and realize that it needs to stop. Its never gotten in the way of school or work, but in my emotional state I'm letting it seriously affect my relationships with others. I've been lashing out more when I drink and been feeling sorry for myself. Those are all the wrong reasons to drink. And while all my friends know that Nick loves to get his drink on and have a great time, right now is not the RIGHT time. With my moods changing so constantly, it hurts me so much to know that I get drunk and angry. I'm not that type. And now that I have fucked one of my best friendships up (which I pray to god can be repaired), I know enough is enough. I'm treating my drinking as one treats theirs after losing their job or house. I'm a one man drunken depressed frat party, and its time to get off that.

I gotta get back to work but thank you so much for keeping up with my blog. Please comment, and give me your feedback about my blogs. Most importantly, please continue to visit my donation page and donate towards my AIDS walk fundraiser, now more than ever! The link is www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/nmorgan204

Thanks and much love!
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

I FREAKING Love Daylight Savings Time

Let me start off by saying how happy I am that it no longer gets dark at 5pm any more!! Especially somewhere like Long Beach where the sun is always shining, now we can enjoy it even longer!!

So I haven't blogged in a few days. I know I know, but its been a crazy past few days. The other day I missed a dose of paxil. I don't know if you have been on it, but if you miss a dose, especially a high one like the one I'm taking (40mgs), you turn into a crazy person. I was at work and all of the sudden I got really panicky and couldn't focus, and I just felt completely weird. So it goes without saying that my shift was really bad.

After I got off work, I just felt like a mess. For some reason I was mad. Not a certain person, or a certain thing, I just had a flash if anger that lingered for a few hours. I came home and immediately got into it with my boyfriend. Its scary that all the emotions that come with accepting what has happened can really take a number on a relationship. I realized one of the reasons I was angry was because of Daniel. It hurt me that he hasn't done nearly as much in finding out more about HIV/AIDS. He is still so uneducated and unsure about the virus, and its my 5th week of knowing my status. I know he is a busy, busy boy but if anyone in my life got something horrible I would do everything possible to gain as much knowledge so I could try to better understand what that person is feeling.

I was also very mad at myself. I felt like I had plagued our relationship. I felt like I had taken this certain level of intimacy from us. But I can't blame myself. You can't waste your time playing the blame game in a dire situation. If I could take it back, I would. But I can't so I have to work with what I have.

I have a couple of my best friends from back home down here for a few days. That really helps because I've been feeling really lonely lately. They are my favorite people in the world. Being here less than 24 hours, they have been such an inspiration in keeping my mood up and keeping me laughing. It also makes me look forward to going home because life will be a lot easier and I will be WAY less lonely. I love all my friends down here, but everybody's so caught up in the LA rush and sometimes that gets very overwhelming.

Alrighty I'm gonna take a nap cuz I'm still beat from the crazy night we had in Hollywood. Check back tomorrow night I'll have more posted up!
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Sorry...

I haven't had a new blog in the last 2 days...I've been a busy, busy boy. Don't worry I'll update everyone tomorrow night!

Love you guys!

Fucked My Car Up

I'm so fucking fed up with today

Anxiety Nervosa

So I just got out of the weekly HIV+ support group that I go to, and for some reason I was very nervous during the meeting. I'm not sure why. Usually these weekly retreats reward me with information, life experiences, and new expectations. This week didn't fail to do that, but during the group I just had this feeling of nervousness. Maybe it's because I'm finally going to be getting my cell counts back in a couple weeks and it may seem more real then. I don't know. And I haven't gotten my Klonopin (anxiety medicine) refilled yet, so I wish I would have had one to take, but I got through it without going into a panic attack.

This group that I go to is so amazing for my well being. Although it ranges from people of all ages, all health statuses, people who have been living with HIV since it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency), it always seems to have an upbeat atmosphere. We talk about grim things, near death experiences that some of the group has gone through, T-Cell counts of ZERO, yet at the same time it is an outlet for all of us. I think each person learns something everytime the group lets out; Whether it's something new about the virus, something about life, or something about being younger or older (as the group varies in age range).

Right now I can tell from blogging a lot of the anxiety that I was feeling is dissapating. It always helps me to write or talk to others, not just think inside my head. I think that's why I was feeling so anxious today. I was doing a lot of thinking about myself, and not listening to what everybody had to say today, and that made me nervous. Everytime I heard the word "PCP pneumonia", "nightsweats", "kaposi sarcoma" I just had some vision of me going through one of those eventually. And although that may never happen because of the advanced medicine they have, I still felt this uneasiness with not having my T-Cell count or viral load back yet.

Well I have to go see my therapist now, so I hope after that I will feel 100% back up again. Please visit my donations page everybody http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204

it's very important to me. And I'm almost a little down because it's had 20 visits, but only 2 donations. Maybe everyone is just not ready to donate yet, but please try to give whatever you can. Like I said, anything $5 and above is amazing. I want to give an extra special shout out to the one and only MOLLY WOOOOODS for donating 50 bucks last night. She is a starving college student, as most of us are, but Molly, thank you so much. I know I told you you would only hear this once, but God Bless. There you have it writing.

Doctor's Visit and More

So it is been 4 weeks since my diagnosis and I finally had some real leadway in the beginning of my treatment. I went in and got my blood drawn (5 freaking vials of it), got chest x-rays, took a TB test, and a full STD test. I also was approved for ADAP which is AIDS Drug Assistance Program, which covers a variety of things for me. Overall, it was quite an experience.

I was very nervous to go in there today. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew it would be nothing less than interesting. I'm never one to fear needles or blood, but they took quite a bit of it so that kind of worried me. But they have several tests to run, and it takes a lot of expensive work to figure out what my viral load and T-Cell count. I'm hoping for the best, so please keep your fingers crossed. It will be two weeks until I get concrete counts back, but I will feel much more reassured as soon as I get the results back. Either that or I will be devestated. I'm hoping for a T-Cell count of at least 400. Which is lower than a normal, healthy adult, but still not too bad. Anything below, 350 will come as a shock as to me. It's scary to think that a few months ago I had only seen the phrases "T-Cell count" and "Viral Load" just a few times. Now they are common day words for me that I think and speak about on a daily basis.

BREAKING NEWS: I have finally formed my donations page for the AIDS walk. It is a very important cause that I will be participating in me, and if you are behind me in this I really need you to donate whatever you can. Anything over $5 dollars makes me eterenally grateful to you! My group goal is 10,000 big ones. I know I can do it with the help of everybody. That is why it is important for you to SPREAD THE WORD. If you would like to join my page you can do it on the website. It costs $25 dollars to join my team, but it all goes to the Long Beach AIDS walk collection. None if it is used for the website sponsering my page. If you don't want to commit that much, that fine, but please give the link to people. Tell them "I have a really good friend Nick. He's a 21 year old motivated college student who unfortunately found out he is HIV+. He is raising money for the AIDS walk in Long Beach, and it would be great if you could help it." We need to virally network. A goes to B and C, B goes to D, E, F, while C goes to H, I, J, and K. It's simple like that. With the economy the way it is, it is important to get as many sponsers as possible, because people will not be donating as much money this year. At last, the website is http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204

It would mean so much to me if you would do it. It was so hard to hear those words "Nick, I'm so sorry, but you showed up peliminary positive," but it has shaped me in so many ways. While I have battled the anxiety, anxiousness, fear, and depression that comes with finding out you are Young and Positive, I have also felt inspired, motivated, and driven. I have this fire burning inside of me right now. I want that fire to burn in all of you, just hopefully not the same way it started in me. Everyday I feel a different emotion. Today was a rather good day. Although the labwork was intimidating, I got a lot done and I feel accomplished.

I also have some more info on the speaking engagement in which I will be a panel member at. It is a HIV/AIDS Awareness panel mainly geared towards the Latin community, but everyone is welcome to come as it is a fight we all fight together. Women, men, gay, straight, bi, latin, black, white, blue, whatever. Even cat's have a from of "kitty aids". So bring your cat. Actually, don't. Haha. It will be Wednesday March 25th, 2009 from 5-7 PM at the University Student Union Room 205. If you work with me, please take it off work and come see me speak and a learn something or two. I'm going to be nervous, definitely, so some support from my fellow Chiliheads would be fabulous.

I'm going to finish it up for the night. Thank you for reading!!!!! I love all ya guys. Give me some feedback please! And most importantly: http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204

Are you there L.A.? It's me, Margaret.

First of all, let me start off by saying that as of MARCH 1ST, 2009, Lifetime TV is now being boycotted by me, and I urge all of you to do the same! They freaking took the Golden Girls off! How do you take the Golden Girls off? And even worse, do you know who they replaced her with?? MORE EPISODES of that Red Headed Slut Reba MacenWhiteTrash. Like the world REALLY needs any more episodes of Reba....ugh sorry I just had to get that out!

Anyways, so L.A. (or Long Beach really) doesn't really seem like L.A. today. Yesterday was 85 and beautiful and sunny, and today is just gray. Not even raining. It never seems like that here. It's either nice and sunny out, or it's pouring down. It is barely ever just gray outside. I feel like I'm back in Tracy (where I will be back on the 26th!)

So I get my blood drawn finally tomorrow so I can get my T-Cell count and Viral load in two weeks and find out where I stand. I'll think that will create some grounding for myself because right now it's kind of all in the air. I think that's why my emotions are very up and down right now, is because I don't have anything concrete to work off of, just the fact that I know I am HIV+.

I have been having some fear though lately. I hope they don't want to put me on meds right away. That will make it all seem much more real, and I am scared of that. For the past few years, they haven't been putting people on meds until they get below 350 T-Cell count, but now they are finding it is more beneficiary to put people on meds sooner than that. When I found out I was positive, my first goal was to hopefully not need meds until I graduate college. But if that doesn't happen, then so be it, I know it's all for the best. It's just a fear that I have to overcome in the mean time.

Other than that, I don't have much to say today. I have a busy day tomorrow. Between going to see my shrink (Dr. HappyPills), meeting with my case manager, volunteering, and getting my blood drawn, I will have PLENTY to talk about :)

Please visit http://www.blogtv.com/people/spotu_tv to see the Tenacity For Teens. And my donation page is currently under construction so that will be out in a couple of days or a week. Alright have a goo done you guys, check back tomorrow!!!

Barely Here, Barely There

So dear little blog of mine, I must start of by sending the deepest apologizes to you for neglecting to care for you at all in the past few days. I hope you can forgive me. Friends again? Great! :)

I've had a tough time the past couple of days, some of you know that, some of you may not. I had a little bit of a breakdown, which I guess can be expected, and I decided I need a change for a while. While I love L.A., the fast lifestyle, the numerous opportunities it provides for me (especially in the HIV/AIDS sector), I have to take a step back. So as of March 26th, I am temporarily departing from L.A. and heading back home for a while. I need to slow down, and be around some people that really, truly care for me and aren't always super busy with work and school. Most of all, I need my family. I feel now as if I were taking a little bit too much at first and now I have to step back for a while, still stay committed to a few things, but ease my life, at least until I can get into the swing of what life is really going to be like HIV+. For God sakes, its been almost 4 weeks and I still haven't gotten my blood drawn to give me a T-Cell (immune system) count, and a viral load (how much virus is in my body). So when I get those numbers back in a couple weeks, I'll at least have a little insight on where I stand, and what comes next.

Anyways, I had the pleasure today of watching these 4 amazing teenagers in a weekly broadcast they do about high school, sex, and HIV. They are phenomenal kids who really care about something and are informing themselves and others, while at the same time having fun. You can watch their broadcasts at http://www.blogtv.com/people/spotu_tv, and in the latest one I pop up for a few seconds to say I'll be a special guest next week...you can watch it live at 2 PM on Sundays, or watch it recorded later. Please, please, please watch them and watch me, I'll be on next week! :) They work really hard to help educate teenagers, so they deserve your 20-30 minutes of attention once a week :) Shout out to all you guys!

So I'm sure many of you are concerned about my school status; I have chosen to Medically Withdraw from all my classes, meaning I'm not disqualified from the university or anything, but I will be taking the rest of the semester off. It was a hard decision, but I was falling behind in all my classes and I had to take the stress off so I can really focus on myself. Mind you, I will be going back starting in fall, and if decide not to come back to Long Beach, I plan to apply to San Jose State, or San Francisco state.

I'm looking very forward to going back to the Chili's up in Tracy and working with all you crazy people. It was hard to leave that place, but I'm excited to go back up there and spend time with everyone. I think you guys have been a create support system. Heather, definitely you are such an angel. Debbie, your kind words fill me with love you so graciously spread. Desirae, you are the most amazing person I know and I look forward to seeing you next week!!! Disco lemonade, baby! haha...and Nikki, you don't know how hard it was to tell you about my status. Besides my parents and Daniel, I knew how hard you would take it and I know that now we have been through everything! Yet you still have the deepest spot in my heart as friends, and I know that you will be there until we are old, and gray, still finding ways to lose weight while being force fed in a nursing home :)

Commitments. I have given myself a couple since I found out about my status. The first and foremost is the Long Beach AIDS foundation. Garry Bowie, I am so gracious to have came into your presence, even under such unfortunate circumstances. You inspire me, and I will continue to be faithful to your foundation, doing as much work for you as I can up north and when I'm here in the LBC. I'm speaking March 25th at a panel at Cal State Long Beach. I don't have the room number down, or much information yet, but it is from 5-7 PM. So for all my LBC friends, please please please request work off and come. It would mean SO much to me! I am still working on my donations page, so that will be up soon so you guys can donate to the AIDS walk that I will be participating in. And I'll be making a flyer that you can give to your friends and family and force them to cough up 5, 10, even 20 bucks if it's possible. It's all for a great cause. Please visit http://www.lbaidsfoundation.org/ That is the organization I am volunteering for, and they have a lot of different amenities that are great. Also, if you guys could e-mail garry.bowie@lbaidsfoundation.org and just give him a simple thank you. Tell him what I am to you, a friend, family, co-worker, and just thank him. Because he has been the biggest part in keeping me from just giving up. He is the one who has inspired me to do such good work, thru the work I see him do.

Anyways, I'm going to wrap it up. (Shoulda done that 2 years ago when I got this damn thing, huh?) :) NEW RULE: I will update every single day. Even if it is a small update, just something for you guys to read. So please check back daily. I haven't blogged the past couple days cuz I was really down, but even if I'm down I'm dedicated to blogging every day. Please comment though you guys. Give me some feed back. Good, bad, supportive, constructive, just anything!! And please leave it here, instead of on my myspace, it's just easier for me to read it here. I love you guys, and I'll see you Tracy people in just a few weeks!!