Believe it or Not, it was Vanity that Killed the Cat

The reason for my extended silence when it comes to my blog is simple: Depression. Over the last month I seem to have run into this brick wall of sadness and depression. Yet I feel like I am finally climbing my way over it.

Accepting my HIV status has proved harder to me than I thought it would. I have felt so many different emotions throughout the last 3 months it's unbelievable. There were times where I was so Gung Ho to fight against HIV both personally and through community outreach. There were times where I was so upset I felt reckless. For the most part everything seemed like it had been day by day. Depending on the events, circumstances and responsibilities of each day, my feeling for that entire day could swing either way. Yet during April everything seemed to flat line in a black hole of depression. I haven't had the motivation to say the words I need to say on here. I didn't have the motivation to seek some sort of mental/physical health care up here. Getting out of bed and slapping that big, fat, fake smile on my face and waiting tables became almost unbearable. It's hard to watch a 2 year relationship crumble in front of my face as I fight the hardest fight of my life: accepting my HIV status and starting my life over.

I always found security in sex. Sex made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. Daniel made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. But I have lost my faith in sex. It has become this dirty omen, a nasty game of win or lose where the odds aren't in your favor. I've heard about so many kids my age in the past month finding out that they were newly diagnosed with HIV that it makes me sick. How can sex be so beautiful, yet be so murderous? Following on my second sentence in this paragraph, I lost everything with Daniel. We both are to fault, and I definitely blame HIV in being the final nail in the coffin. Him being negative, and me finding out that I am positive, he just couldn't handle my emotions. We allowed the virus to take hold, and rip us apart. Even as I get to know Julian better and our relationship grows, the anger and pain I have from what became of Daniel and I became supersedes my ability to fully embrace my seroconversion to being HIV+. How long does it take to get over someone who you felt abandoned you at such a significant, crucial time? A month? Two Months? Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes? But from all of this I know two things: One - I will have to forgive Daniel for the pain I feel he has caused me before I can alleviate my depression and Two - I need to learn from the mistakes both he and I made, so that my current relationship to such a fascinating person does not follow a similar pattern.

To address my title for this blog, I have found that doing things to improve me both on the inside and outside really helps me feel less depressed. Call me vain, but I think feeling sexy, attractive, and desirable is an important aspect of life. It calms insecurities, creates confidence, and supports individualism. We all have to find our own ways to feel sexy. America idolizes beauty. As ridiculous as it is, beauty often surpasses morals when it comes being an American. And I won't lie, I quite oft fall victim to wanting to be a little more attractive, a little more fit, a little more intellectual. Being cultured and knowledgeable, especially about current events, is something that I believe makes someone much more attractive. Granted I love a chiseled jaw line, a golden tan, and abs you could suck a Kettle One Cosmopolitan out of, knowledge is so sexy. I want to learn. Whether it's about Mulholland's importance in the creation of the L.A. aqueduct, how to make the perfect casserole, how much cocaine Lindsay Lohan had for breakfast, or what the UN is doing to combat the rising tension between North Korea's nuclear program and the rest of the world, I want to learn. But I also want to be attractive. So if you see me at the gym reading the encyclopedia (or The National Enquirer), please say hello :)

Anxiety Nervosa

So I just got out of the weekly HIV+ support group that I go to, and for some reason I was very nervous during the meeting. I'm not sure why. Usually these weekly retreats reward me with information, life experiences, and new expectations. This week didn't fail to do that, but during the group I just had this feeling of nervousness. Maybe it's because I'm finally going to be getting my cell counts back in a couple weeks and it may seem more real then. I don't know. And I haven't gotten my Klonopin (anxiety medicine) refilled yet, so I wish I would have had one to take, but I got through it without going into a panic attack.

This group that I go to is so amazing for my well being. Although it ranges from people of all ages, all health statuses, people who have been living with HIV since it was called GRID (Gay Related Immune Deficiency), it always seems to have an upbeat atmosphere. We talk about grim things, near death experiences that some of the group has gone through, T-Cell counts of ZERO, yet at the same time it is an outlet for all of us. I think each person learns something everytime the group lets out; Whether it's something new about the virus, something about life, or something about being younger or older (as the group varies in age range).

Right now I can tell from blogging a lot of the anxiety that I was feeling is dissapating. It always helps me to write or talk to others, not just think inside my head. I think that's why I was feeling so anxious today. I was doing a lot of thinking about myself, and not listening to what everybody had to say today, and that made me nervous. Everytime I heard the word "PCP pneumonia", "nightsweats", "kaposi sarcoma" I just had some vision of me going through one of those eventually. And although that may never happen because of the advanced medicine they have, I still felt this uneasiness with not having my T-Cell count or viral load back yet.

Well I have to go see my therapist now, so I hope after that I will feel 100% back up again. Please visit my donations page everybody http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204

it's very important to me. And I'm almost a little down because it's had 20 visits, but only 2 donations. Maybe everyone is just not ready to donate yet, but please try to give whatever you can. Like I said, anything $5 and above is amazing. I want to give an extra special shout out to the one and only MOLLY WOOOOODS for donating 50 bucks last night. She is a starving college student, as most of us are, but Molly, thank you so much. I know I told you you would only hear this once, but God Bless. There you have it writing.

Doctor's Visit and More

So it is been 4 weeks since my diagnosis and I finally had some real leadway in the beginning of my treatment. I went in and got my blood drawn (5 freaking vials of it), got chest x-rays, took a TB test, and a full STD test. I also was approved for ADAP which is AIDS Drug Assistance Program, which covers a variety of things for me. Overall, it was quite an experience.

I was very nervous to go in there today. I didn't know what to expect, but I knew it would be nothing less than interesting. I'm never one to fear needles or blood, but they took quite a bit of it so that kind of worried me. But they have several tests to run, and it takes a lot of expensive work to figure out what my viral load and T-Cell count. I'm hoping for the best, so please keep your fingers crossed. It will be two weeks until I get concrete counts back, but I will feel much more reassured as soon as I get the results back. Either that or I will be devestated. I'm hoping for a T-Cell count of at least 400. Which is lower than a normal, healthy adult, but still not too bad. Anything below, 350 will come as a shock as to me. It's scary to think that a few months ago I had only seen the phrases "T-Cell count" and "Viral Load" just a few times. Now they are common day words for me that I think and speak about on a daily basis.

BREAKING NEWS: I have finally formed my donations page for the AIDS walk. It is a very important cause that I will be participating in me, and if you are behind me in this I really need you to donate whatever you can. Anything over $5 dollars makes me eterenally grateful to you! My group goal is 10,000 big ones. I know I can do it with the help of everybody. That is why it is important for you to SPREAD THE WORD. If you would like to join my page you can do it on the website. It costs $25 dollars to join my team, but it all goes to the Long Beach AIDS walk collection. None if it is used for the website sponsering my page. If you don't want to commit that much, that fine, but please give the link to people. Tell them "I have a really good friend Nick. He's a 21 year old motivated college student who unfortunately found out he is HIV+. He is raising money for the AIDS walk in Long Beach, and it would be great if you could help it." We need to virally network. A goes to B and C, B goes to D, E, F, while C goes to H, I, J, and K. It's simple like that. With the economy the way it is, it is important to get as many sponsers as possible, because people will not be donating as much money this year. At last, the website is http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204

It would mean so much to me if you would do it. It was so hard to hear those words "Nick, I'm so sorry, but you showed up peliminary positive," but it has shaped me in so many ways. While I have battled the anxiety, anxiousness, fear, and depression that comes with finding out you are Young and Positive, I have also felt inspired, motivated, and driven. I have this fire burning inside of me right now. I want that fire to burn in all of you, just hopefully not the same way it started in me. Everyday I feel a different emotion. Today was a rather good day. Although the labwork was intimidating, I got a lot done and I feel accomplished.

I also have some more info on the speaking engagement in which I will be a panel member at. It is a HIV/AIDS Awareness panel mainly geared towards the Latin community, but everyone is welcome to come as it is a fight we all fight together. Women, men, gay, straight, bi, latin, black, white, blue, whatever. Even cat's have a from of "kitty aids". So bring your cat. Actually, don't. Haha. It will be Wednesday March 25th, 2009 from 5-7 PM at the University Student Union Room 205. If you work with me, please take it off work and come see me speak and a learn something or two. I'm going to be nervous, definitely, so some support from my fellow Chiliheads would be fabulous.

I'm going to finish it up for the night. Thank you for reading!!!!! I love all ya guys. Give me some feedback please! And most importantly: http://www.active.com/donate/aidswalklb09/NMorgan204

Being Positive, Living Positive

So, today I did something for the first time, something that only a month ago most of you would have thought I would never do. Not only did I do it; I did it for 9 hours straight. The big V-word. No, not Vagina....god knows I would never do that :) But VOLUNTEER WORK. I started today and I have to say I feel more rewarded inside today then I do anytime I ever come home from Chili's or any other job. I am actually going to be volunteering 12 hours a week at the Long Beach AIDS Foundation. Right now our main focus is getting prepped for the Long Beach 5k AIDS walk. I'm starting a team, and I am building a donation page. I will let everyone know more about it when it gets off the ground, but if everyone could donate something, $5, 10$, whatever it will help SO MUCH. It's a great cause, the money raised goes directly to helping the HIV/AIDS community, with less than 10% being used to cover the expenses of fundraising, which is a phenominally low percentage. I learned today that most of the people out there ringing bells in front of stores for donations make more money than the cause in which they are raising for. 60 cents of ever dollar donated to those causes are to pay the people standing out there, while the foundation raising the money only sees 40 cents. Your dollar will go MUCH, MUCH further with any donations you can provide. Also, being 21 and just finding out I am HIV+, you can imagine how much this cause now impacts me, as it also impacts those close to me who have been affected emotionally by my diagnosis. Alright, enough commercialization. Don't worry though, there will be plenty more soon enough!

So for those of you who I haven't talked to lately, or on a regular basis, I want you to be assured that I am mentally/emotionally okay now. I spent my few days breaking down, a few more picking back up the pieces, and then a day or two deciding where to go from there. I decided that I want to take a very proactive role in battling this. It is the coping method I adopted because I know it will work. I feel more motivated than I ever have to really make an impact. I have already had several meetings with HIV counselors, went to a few different HIV+ groups (including one for people in my age range who have been newly diagnosed), I will be speaking at an HIV panel on campus, I am planning to start an HIV-awareness group on campus, and I plan to venture out to other opportunites in order to educate, reassure, and raise awareness. It is surprising that in Long Beach, which has the 2nd highest transmission rate in CA, there are very few support groups or awareness groups. And the ones that are here don't even meet on a regular basis for the most part. I think that's ridiculous that on a campus of 40,000 people CSULB does not have a HIV-awareness group.

Here are some stats to startle you, as found at CDC.gov:

% of 13-29 year olds NEWLY diagnosed with HIV in 2006: 28.3% of all new diagnosis that year
% of NEWLY diagnosed with HIV in 2006 based on sexual preference: GAY-49% Straight-33% The rest were IV drug users...
% of 15-24 who ARE HIV+ that DO NOT know that they are so: 48%

Crazy statistics. Those, mixed with my own diagnoses, is why I want to WORK for the cause, instead of letting HIV work me over. Alright it's bedtime. Please, think about those statisics though, and remember them when you are about to have sex with someone who doesn't want to use a condom.

In Retrospect: February 4th, 2009 4:53 PM

Date: 2/04/09

Time: 4:53 PM PST

Place: Long Beach Health Department

"I'm so sorry Nick, your test showed up preliminary positive," the testing clinician sorrowfully declared.

Being a born-again college student, my first thought was: "YES!!! I finally passed a test in which I did not have to study for!" My next thought: "FUCK! This wasn't the test that I wanted to pass. This was the one I had hoped for over a year to fail miserably at."

Then it set in: There was a 99.3% chance that I was HIV Positive. That's when I broke down. I asked the nurse to leave the room so I could make a couple phone calls. The first one, tearfully, was to Caitlin. In a moment's response I heard, "Oh baby I am so sorry. I'm getting in my car right now." Mind you, Caitlin lives exactly 282 miles (according to Google Maps) from her apartment to mine. Caitlin, I hope you are reading this. That is the single most important act of kindness anyone has ever shown me. I am eternally grateful for that.

The next call I made, still in full shock and tears, was to my manager Jackie. I am blessed to have transferred to the Chili's she works at, for she was able to provide me with so many great resources in the minutes, hours, and days to follow. Jackie has been the angel on my shoulder that, each time my chin drops in self-pity, jabs me with her heavenly pitchfork and says, "Keep your head up! You are a strong motherfucker and you know it!"

The point of this blog is not to bore you with self-centered stories about how much the past 3 weeks have changed my life. I use this simple story to convey to everyone where I plan to go in the days, weeks, and months to follow. I have two prerogatives in starting my blog. The most important one is for me. An outlet where I can vent the roller coaster of emotions that have been on non-stop overdrive since that Wednesday I will never forgot. But it also for you, of course. To inform, educate, inspire, and reassure.

I had never knowingly met an HIV positive individual until I came home on Wednesday February 4th, 2009 and looked in the mirror. I looked at myself, my healthy 21-year old normal looking self and repeated, "I am Nick. I am HIV positive," as if I were at an AA meeting. I then laid on my couch and cried, for hours and hours.

Feeling no shame about who I am or what has transpired over the past 21 years of my life, I have told many of you that I am HIV positive. Not because I have some delirious feeling to tell the entire world, but because I think it is important that people realize HIV/AIDS is not an old, gay man disease that people only got in the 1980's. It is targeting the youth of America (15-24 years of age) at extremely high levels; of that group, 48% of American youth between 15 and 24 years of age who are HIV+ do not know so. There are many reasons for that, and I will get into that issue in future blogs. For the people who have not heard about this happening to me until you read this post, please reassure yourself that I AM OKAY. I am strong. I am proactive. My life has transformed drastically in the past 19 days, but mentally I know I can battle this. And I am so grateful for the love of my life, Daniel (who showed up NEGATIVE for those curious about his status; thank god for that!) He is my support system, he is with me 99.9%. The missing 0.1% is because he, nor any other HIV- individual, will ever be able to understand what it is like to really find out you are positive, and have to accept it.

Just because I am HIV positive, does not mean I understand what it's like to have cancer, diabetes, asthma, or any other debilitating diseases. Nor does anyone, unless they go through it themselves. That is a bold statement, especially to people who have watched their loved ones die from cancer, diabetes, etc. But, I watched my Grandma suffer for 12 years from Alzheimer's at all stages. And while, I have an understanding of her and the disease, there is no way I could possibly infiltrate her mind to comprehend what is really happening and how she is feeling.

Anyways, this is my first posting; there will be MANY, MANY more to come. Please stay tuned, and check back.