Low Tide

I've been feeling kind of emotional the last couple of days, I'm not going to lie. I had been feeling really happy and positive for a good month there, but things are starting to feel a little more sad. I think it's because summer is coming to an end. Summer has always been my favorite season, and now comes the cold. Cold, dark days. Rainy days. Windy, cloudy days. Last winter I was in Long Beach, where the sun was always shining. It may not have always been warm, but the sun was always shining. I know how Tracy is during the fall/winter, and I'm not looking forward to it. I just can't picture myself being content with the fact that I am HIV+ and it's raining outside. Okay, that sounds a little weird. I don't mean for it to come out like that. But having HIV is such a gloomy fact of life. It's not fun, it's not a walk in the park, it's not a piece of cake. I've always struggled to stay happy during the winter, and this year I feel like I'm going to have to struggle harder.

Another thing is that I started school again. While I am ecstastic to be back getting an education, and I am SO happy with my classes, it's just not the same. Long Beach was an up and down experience for me, but the one thing I loved about it was school. I had a great routine, I loved and knew the campus, and it felt right. Taking the bus to and from, listening to my iPod to pump myself up those mornings, walking down the alleyway back to my apartment after a long day at school, climbing the steps to my apartment, and relaxing. I was independant then, I was on top of things. HIV had not yet made its way into my life. Well it had, but I just didn't know it at the time. It felt good to be free. Being back on a JC campus is a little disappointing. The campus doesn't offer nearly as many great amenities, and if it does, it doesn't make it appareant. I'm no longer surrounded by people who really seem to care about higher learning, but more of a high schoolish type crowd.

Guys have also disappointed me lately. I wish I hadn't screwed up my relationship. I had a good thing. And I know both Daniel and I did our share to destory things, I feel like there was so much more I could have done to prevent the outcome that came. It felt good to be in love. I wasn't as scared of HIV when I had him. I am scared now. Not of dying, not of the virus killing me. But just having to live with it, the burden of it. The worries and troubles of having to carry this around with me for the rest of my life gets to me sometimes. I know I will continue to grow with this, and it will get easier. It has gotten easier. But right now, I just feel emotional. I know it will pass. I will never allow myself to sink into the hole that I was in ever again. May and June were particularly bad months for me, and I never want to repeat them again. My birthday was horrible, I spent it in the ER with bronchitis. When August 31st comes around in a few weeks, do me a favor, wake me up when september ends.

Accomplishments

Feeling the setbacks of HIV, emotionally and physically, it is
important to find ways that you can pull yourself up and most
importantly, pull yourself FORWARD. When I was first diagnosed, my
T-Cell count was 345. That was very upsetting for me because it meant
my T cells were at a low level that would require me to start
medication very soon. If you look back at some of my blogs in the very
beginning of my diagnosis, I wrote how I wanted to stay of HIV
medication at least until I was out of college. Unfortunately, because
my T cells lingered in the 350 range at my next count, medication was
something I needed to start if I didn't want to experience severe
damage to my immune system in the next few years.

As most of you know from reading my blogs, T Cells are the important
white blood cells that fight infection. When you have HIV, your T
Cells are killed off, and after you get below 200, you have AIDS. A
normal range is between 500-1000 T Cells. Well today I found out that
my T Cells have climbed to 521, which means I am at a normal, healthy
range. Although I didn't feel many effects of HIV, it feels so good to
know that I am considered normal again. Granted its a low-normal, none
the less its a goal I have wanted to reach and had no idea I could do
it so quickly. HIV is not just a physical ailment, it is very mental
as well. To survive and thrive with HIV, you have to be comfortable
with your status and health. Today, thursday, I am the most
comfortable with my status as I've ever been. Even when I thought I
was HIV-, I wasn't very comfortable with my status because I didn't
KNOW my status. I thought I did, but unless you have that paper in
front of you declaring you infected or not infected, your status is
merely suspected. I'm not happy I'm positive, in fact I despise the
fact that HIV has decided to take residence in me. Given the
circumstances though, I must find pride in my life, in my disease.
Everytime I get a better piece of news, a good result, or wake up
feeling healthier than the day before, I get a small win for myself.
It means I'm fighting the disease, and I'm fighting it hard. Its
taxation on my immune system will not come without representation.

As happy as I am today about my T Cells being up by nearly 200 since
February, I did have a set back. I have been experiencing some really
bad stomach issues for almost three weeks now. It has gotten to the
point some days where I feel like its robbing me of my freedom,
robbing me of my choice to pick what I eat (and instead go with
something that will be less reactive to my stomach). I thought it may
be my meds, but the doctor I saw today doesn't think so. She seems to
think that I most likely picked up a parasite while camping over the
4th of July and swimming in untreated, forest creek water. Fortunately
if it does appear to be a parasite I can have it treated with little
problem. Its the mental part though that upsets me. I've been camping
and swimming up in that area since I was just a few weeks old. So what
does this mean? Will I have to limit what I do, limit my life? These
are the things that pass through the head of an HIV positive 22 year
old. I want to be able to live unconditional, unrestrained. Yet, I
have to double think some of these things though. I refuse to let HIV
hold me down though. This disease has reshaped my life in so many
ways, good and bad. I am so much more self-aware and aware of those
around me. I strive to live a healthy, productive life in a way in
which I never have before. Yet, it has also brought a dark shadow that
sits heavily upon my soul. Gone is innocence and purity. I have a
comprehension of life that sometimes is vilified with terror. Finding
a balance between a healthy reality and an overzealous fear of death
is hard, sometimes nearly impossible. It is something I will do every
day though, until I die.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Accomplishments

Feeling the setbacks of HIV, emotionally and physically, it is
important to find ways that you can pull yourself up and most
importantly, pull yourself FORWARD. When I was first diagnosed, my
T-Cell count was 345. That was very upsetting for me because it meant
my T cells were at a low level that would require me to start
medication very soon. If you look back at some of my blogs in the very
beginning of my diagnosis, I wrote how I wanted to stay of HIV
medication at least until I was out of college. Unfortunately, because
my T cells lingered in the 350 range at my next count, medication was
something I needed to start if I didn't want to experience severe
damage to my immune system in the next few years.

As most of you know from reading my blogs, T Cells are the important
white blood cells that fight infection. When you have HIV, your T
Cells are killed off, and after you get below 200, you have AIDS. A
normal range is between 500-1000 T Cells. Well today I found out that
my T Cells have climbed to 521, which means I am at a normal, healthy
range. Although I didn't feel many effects of HIV, it feels so good to
know that I am considered normal again. Granted its a low-normal, none
the less its a goal I have wanted to reach and had no idea I could do
it so quickly. HIV is not just a physical ailment, it is very mental
as well. To survive and thrive with HIV, you have to be comfortable
with your status and health. Today, thursday, I am the most
comfortable with my status as I've ever been. Even when I thought I
was HIV-, I wasn't very comfortable with my status because I didn't
KNOW my status. I thought I did, but unless you have that paper in
front of you declaring you infected or not infected, your status is
merely suspected. I'm not happy I'm positive, in fact I despise the
fact that HIV has decided to take residence in me. Given the
circumstances though, I must find pride in my life, in my disease.
Everytime I get a better piece of news, a good result, or wake up
feeling healthier than the day before, I get a small win for myself.
It means I'm fighting the disease, and I'm fighting it hard. Its
taxation on my immune system will not come without representation.

As happy as I am today about my T Cells being up by nearly 200 since
February, I did have a set back. I have been experiencing some really
bad stomach issues for almost three weeks now. It has gotten to the
point some days where I feel like its robbing me of my freedom,
robbing me of my choice to pick what I eat (and instead go with
something that will be less reactive to my stomach). I thought it may
be my meds, but the doctor I saw today doesn't think so. She seems to
think that I most likely picked up a parasite while camping over the
4th of July and swimming in untreated, forest creek water. Fortunately
if it does appear to be a parasite I can have it treated with little
problem. Its the mental part though that upsets me. I've been camping
and swimming up in that area since I was just a few weeks old. So what
does this mean? Will I have to limit what I do, limit my life? These
are the things that pass through the head of an HIV positive 22 year
old. I want to be able to live unconditional, unrestrained. Yet, I
have to double think some of these things though. I refuse to let HIV
hold me down though. This disease has reshaped my life in so many
ways, good and bad. I am so much more self-aware and aware of those
around me. I strive to live a healthy, productive life in a way in
which I never have before. Yet, it has also brought a dark shadow that
sits heavily upon my soul. Gone is innocence and purity. I have a
comprehension of life that sometimes is vilified with terror. Finding
a balance between a healthy reality and an overzealous fear of death
is hard, sometimes nearly impossible. It is something I will do every
day though, until I die.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Confessions

It has been about six and half months since my diagnosis, and I can say that I have been through some of the biggest ups and downs that I could have never expected. My life is slowly returning to normal and I am able to look back now on everything I went through those first few painful months. It’s as if I’m peering through a window at the last 6 months, and for the first time I can see everything, clear as day. I’ve come to many realizations about the time period now and who I was and who I have become.

One of the things that is most visible to me now is all the false emotions. I went into this mode right after my diagnosis where if I could do as much volunteer work as possible, learn as much as I possibly I could about the virus, share my story to as many people as humanly possible, etc. that it would validate my being infected. There’s a fine line between strength and reality, and balancing the two factors can be so difficult in times of such distress. I feel that those first few months I overloaded myself with too many emotions. I played the victim to those around me, had a need for affection because of my diagnosis. I’ve come to realize that I used sex for a long time as a coping mechanism, one in order to find security, confidence, and acceptance. When that plan backfired on me, I no longer knew how to cope. When the one thing I had relied on for so long to get me through the rough years of self-acceptance ended up being the one thing that gave me this virus, I became tactless. I transformed my need for acceptance that I had gotten by having sex, into what sex had caused: the virus to be inhabiting my body.

I’m not downplaying the validity of my blog, some of the volunteer work I did, and the speaking I’ve done. That has all been me, real and raw. It has come from the heart, and continues to come from the heart. What I am owning up to is how I think I may have manipulated my situation because I had so many other issues that I hadn’t yet resolved; getting my diagnosis unveiled a lot of those issues. Drinking was one of them. For those of you that know me, you know I’m definitely the partying type. I can definitely say at the time I was infected (almost 3 years ago now) my drinking was out of control. I was partying hard, was about to get a DUI, and making some poor decisions. Between the time I was infected and the time I received my diagnosis my drinking wavered between excessive and sometimes non-existent. To me though, I didn’t have a problem. I didn’t drink during the day, I always showed up for work, even if I was hungover, etc. Since my diagnosis though, I have become more aware of the people around me. It’s when I saw my drinking hurt people I care about and love (my mom, my ex-boyfriend, some really good friends who no longer talk to me) that I became concerned. And it took a several months for me to admit this, but I do realize that I have problems with drinking. It’s something I’ve been addressing, but I know this. I don’t want to ever hurt someone who really cares about me again because of some immature decision (like excessive drinking). If you have been hurt by it, I apologize. I mean that with all my heart.

Another issue that I feel I have had to confront is my ability to relate to other people in a realistic way. I didn’t realize it for a long time, but I see now that I can be self-centered. That’s a trait that I am trying very hard to work off, and I would consider my actions against it pretty good. It’s funny to a degree, because I never saw it before, but now it is so clear. I had a tendency not to use people for their things, or money, etc., but for their attention. In return, I gave little concern to what they may have been going through in their life. I told myself I was such a great friend, but in reality I wasn’t the friend I thought I was. That’s something else about me that I have been really working to change, and whether or not I can ever re-establish some of these friendships again, I will work to build new ones. And more real ones.

I’m not using this blog entry to bash myself. I’m just owning up to some of the things I’ve done wrong. To sum up this entire entry in one sentence, its to show how getting a life altering diagnosis, such as HIV, can bring so many other things to the table that one refuses to acknowledge. I had a choice: I could go on being a semi-decent person, a bad friend, and struggle with HIV, or I could change my lifestyle, who I am as a person, and live with HIV with much more support. And that’s what I am doing. It will take a long time to be the person I ultimately want to be, to right a lot of the wrongs, but I have a lot of leeway in the process now that I can recognize what I did and how I was, and really be so much better of a person.

Amongst

Being HIV+, I've learned to accept many things, one of them being unconditional, superfluous amounts of support. I started my day off calling a hospital inquiring about support groups, and it led to meeting some of the most amazing people. Its wonderful how much support and care total strangers are capable of giving. In a time marred by terrorism, political truthiness (its a word, ask Stephen Colbert), and economic insanity I have lost so much faith in humanity; the innocence and purity that comes with being young fizzles out more and more everyday. Others coping with this virus, especially those who have been accustomed to never ending T-Cell counts and too many funerals, have helped me re-establish a belief in the human soul. I have been blessed to have so many individuals reach out to me with lingering support based on the fact that I am a young man with an unfortunate serostatus. With HIV- people, I always sense a copious amount of pity in their voice when they discuss this virus with me. HIV+ persons who have came into my life still have that same desperation to see me prosper, yet it lacks pity. It is much for faith filled. They have felt those pangs of unprecedented sadness; each one of us have felt this immense fear.

So tonight, as I ride home on BART from one of the most uplifting support groups (and one of the most uplifting days of my life), I want to take a second to thank every HIV positive person who has came into my life in the past 152 days that I have known about my status and given me something. Whether it be some sort of key piece of knowledge, a lasting statement intent on easing my burden, or a shoulder to cry on in a hard moment. It may have been a ride home because I was drunk again drowning my sorrows, or it could have been the verbal bitchslap I needed to wake up during a weak moment. You have all given, and given graciously. Whether or not you realized you did, I noticed. I hope one day I can repay you and help you in a time of need. We are all special, unique creatures that feel so many common emotions. To those of us in this battle, we are all the more unique in the fact we can find some pride and dignity in supporting each others. I care and love all of you so, so much. I could not be alive right now without the help you have given me. I have felt some of the most negative feelings because of this. I have wanted to, and tried to do myself in. Yet I am here, still, and I owe so much of it to you. While HIV is nothing to be proud of, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Take pride in the knowledge and power the virus has distilled upon you though, and the strength you have found in yourself to pass those things along to a once hopeless, newly diagnosed person: me.
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Camping

July 5, 2009 12:34 AM

So I'm camping right now and blogging from my blackberry (as I often do), so this will be uploaded post facto (as I do not get cell phone reception here). So right now I'm sitting here in front of the campfire thinking. Although it is a quick camping trip, it has been a therapeutic one.

As much of a diva homo I can be, for those who really know me they know camping is and has been a huge part of my life. My family has been coming here for many many years (in face my grandma started coming here in the 60's, started spending her entire summer up here in the 70's, and was buried up here in 2007). I've been coming up to these beautiful mountains since I was only a few months old. Each year in my life, as with anyone growing up, I have significant changes in my life. For me, I use my camping trip as some sort of a timestamp. I reflect on where my life is at that time. Since my diagnosis I have reflected more on my 22 years, 20 days, and some odd hours more than I ever have in my entire life. And although I didn't realize it throughout the years, the timetable I created for myself each summer has become a game of connect the dots, waiting to be played until some conspicuous moment in my existence. That time is now, and that has been what this trip has been about for me.

I surprised myself though. I thought I wouldn't be able to get Daniel off my mind, as he was the first guy I really shared Poker Flat (the place where I camp) with. That was a huge thing for me; we shared so many amazing moments I retain in memories and pictures. I miss him, so very much. But I have worked so hard to get over him and I've proven it to myself from this trip. Even after we broke up, I didn't want to let myself reclaim my independence because I had hope we would be a fairy tale and things would work out. Yet, time after time, I was denied by him. The first guy who ever told me no to love. That fact hurt almost as much as the pain of wanting to revitalize out stagnant relationship. I've known since the day we took our own paths though that my first trip to Poker Flat without him would either make or break my individuality. For the first time in a long time I have surprised myself, unallowing myself to feel the anchor of pain caused my our tragic, inevitable demise.

I will be raw and honest though. I broke down for a bit today. Not from a guy though, believe it or not. But from the memories of a woman, a woman that so many of my friends would have been blessed to know. I stood over my grandmother's grave today asking her, "How different would my life have turned out if I had really gotten to know you, grandma, had Alzheimer's not robbed your wise and wisdom from me when I was so young?" She was such a strong, daring person; I wonder if there was some sort of knowledge she could have taught me that would have prevented my seroconversion (the technical term for going from HIV- to HIV+). Did you possess some snippet of information, reassurance, or self-security that, had you not bequeathed your wealth of knowledge to this miserable disease, would have disarmed the virus of entering my body? Furthermore, had you not grown so mentally distant, would you preventing this virus from me have meant that the cure for HIV was having a witted grandmother who didn't have Alzheimer's? Granted that this is such a silly, illogical question, it is conceivable to ponder that, as my self-cure from getting the virus may have been some sort of influence you may have provided me with. Beloved grandma, who was mentally taken from me at such a premature stage in both of our lives, please provide me with answers. As I know we no longer share the same world, wherever you are, whether it be heaven, beside me, or in the mountains filled with gold (the ones you loved so much), provide me with answers. Provide me with answers so that next year when I am up here pondering on my growth from this moment I can say, "Thank you, grandma. I survived my first year as being diagnosed HIV+, and your heavenly push kept me going."
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A Cocktail You Won't Find at the Bar

Truvada, Reyataz, and Norvir. What does that mean to you? The last names of the three wise men? Greetings in Armenian?? Well, they mean a lot to me. From now on those are my new best friends. They are the 3 HIV medications that I start later today. Fortunately I only take them once a day, but the idea of 3 pills is a little overwhelming. But I must prevail. I am nervous, I'm not gonna lie, but I know I will benefit from these pills. In a matter of weeks my viral load will drop to an undetectable level and my t cells will rise. Its crazy to think my life free of HIV medication is over, but its refreshing to know I will FINALLY have a physical upper hand in this. I will snicker at this virus as it slowly dissipates. Although it will never leave my body, the virus will be sent into hiding like the scared rebel it is. Sianora! Please, don't send postcards from the vacation you will be taking. My T-Cells will no longer accept your RSVPs
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