Low Tide

I've been feeling kind of emotional the last couple of days, I'm not going to lie. I had been feeling really happy and positive for a good month there, but things are starting to feel a little more sad. I think it's because summer is coming to an end. Summer has always been my favorite season, and now comes the cold. Cold, dark days. Rainy days. Windy, cloudy days. Last winter I was in Long Beach, where the sun was always shining. It may not have always been warm, but the sun was always shining. I know how Tracy is during the fall/winter, and I'm not looking forward to it. I just can't picture myself being content with the fact that I am HIV+ and it's raining outside. Okay, that sounds a little weird. I don't mean for it to come out like that. But having HIV is such a gloomy fact of life. It's not fun, it's not a walk in the park, it's not a piece of cake. I've always struggled to stay happy during the winter, and this year I feel like I'm going to have to struggle harder.

Another thing is that I started school again. While I am ecstastic to be back getting an education, and I am SO happy with my classes, it's just not the same. Long Beach was an up and down experience for me, but the one thing I loved about it was school. I had a great routine, I loved and knew the campus, and it felt right. Taking the bus to and from, listening to my iPod to pump myself up those mornings, walking down the alleyway back to my apartment after a long day at school, climbing the steps to my apartment, and relaxing. I was independant then, I was on top of things. HIV had not yet made its way into my life. Well it had, but I just didn't know it at the time. It felt good to be free. Being back on a JC campus is a little disappointing. The campus doesn't offer nearly as many great amenities, and if it does, it doesn't make it appareant. I'm no longer surrounded by people who really seem to care about higher learning, but more of a high schoolish type crowd.

Guys have also disappointed me lately. I wish I hadn't screwed up my relationship. I had a good thing. And I know both Daniel and I did our share to destory things, I feel like there was so much more I could have done to prevent the outcome that came. It felt good to be in love. I wasn't as scared of HIV when I had him. I am scared now. Not of dying, not of the virus killing me. But just having to live with it, the burden of it. The worries and troubles of having to carry this around with me for the rest of my life gets to me sometimes. I know I will continue to grow with this, and it will get easier. It has gotten easier. But right now, I just feel emotional. I know it will pass. I will never allow myself to sink into the hole that I was in ever again. May and June were particularly bad months for me, and I never want to repeat them again. My birthday was horrible, I spent it in the ER with bronchitis. When August 31st comes around in a few weeks, do me a favor, wake me up when september ends.

I ain't Sayin' you ain't Pretty...

For the first time in so long I can smile. I can smile and really mean it. I'm truly happy right now. Nothing specific has really happened, I've just felt detached from the grueling depression that was enveloping me. It's weird because I've taken myself off my beloved Paxil and it's actually helped me feel better. I've had some anxiety, but mood wise I've been more up, out, and about then I've been in months.

I have my consultation in less then 12 hours for my first line HIV treatment. It has got me nervous as hell, but I think I'm ready. I have to discuss what medications are appropriate with my doctor, but hopefully this time tomorrow I'll have some answers and possibly even some medications to get my T-Cells back where they belong. I've been dreading starting medication, but then I had an Epiphany today (I love that word btw). Is that millions of people died, and are still dying, wishing they had the opportunities that I have right now. HIV persisted for 15 years without any good, concrete treatment and in that time people were dying off left and right. They would have given anything to have the available treatment we have now. Unfortunately, that thought was clouded by my selfish pity that I had, dwelling on the fact of my outcome. But I'm not dying. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I feel like I have this terrible disease, eating away at me, waiting to take me. But that's not the case. And I believe it now. I REALLY do. I have everything to live for. The last few months I had been feeling like someone took away the last 2 years of my life, and that now this disease was going to take away the rest of it. But I'm done hating. Hating him, hating this virus. That's a huge part why I haven't updated in so long. I felt so lost. I was in a haze of depression and funk.

And I'm not gonna lie I was disappointed with everyone who didn't donate 5 or 10 bucks to my AIDS walk. I'm sorry, but I sent out plenty of texts, and the fact that nobody could help me out made me not want to update. I'm not doing God's work here, but it isn't easy opening your most deepest feelings like this. Especially of such a sensitive subject. But whatever. I'm over it and on to greener pastures. Goodnight everyone.