Goodbye Long Beach

I know I've been quiet lately. It's not that I have forgotten about my blog. It started because of a personal reason that I'm not yet ready to disclose, despite Garry urging me to, I just can't talk about it yet. But the silence has continued for a while because I just have been at a loss for words when it comes to my blog. I have sat here for 15, 20, 30 minutes at a time and have tried to get everything out I have needed to say. But when I go to gather my feelings and thoughts and articulate them, I get writer's block. Writer's block of the feelings. But I know I need to keep up with this. For me, for you, for everyone. So I am trying to become stable with my feelings.

Lately I've just been feeling more self-pity. I've been beating myself up mentally more, withdrawing from my inner self, and letting time pass me by. I don't know why, depression maybe? I have definitely been feeling not as strong as I did at first, or even a few weeks ago. I've been mentally and physically exhausted, even if I get 10 hours of sleep that night. It's been hard to get myself out of bed in the morning sometimes. I know that needs to stop. And it will. The range of emotions I have felt since D-Day (Feb. 4th) have been such a spectacle. I have learned to appreciate life and become a better person, yet at the same time I've been falling apart inside and fighting life. I have been damning it as much as I have been appreciating it. I've been laughing a little bit harder, yet crying more than ever. I have this burning strength to share my story, educate others, yet this fear of every decision I make. I feel like I am holding my life in the palm of my hand, like a snow globe, and just watching it.

Guilt. I hate guilt. But I have been feeling it so much lately. I feel like the world is getting the best of me, and I'm a spring that has not even had the chance to be sprung. I know I'm in such a good situation though. With my family, friends, support groups, knowledge, everything. I know I'm on top of the virus, I have it by the throat and I'm fighting it. My logic tells me that, yet my emotion still defeats my logic, and I cave in all too often.

345. 40,000. What are those? Numbers, right? Just simple numbers. But they are 2 numbers I will forever always remember. I got my T-Cell count and my viral load back last week. My T-Cell (good immune system cells) were 345. What does that mean? Well it means if the next few blood draws stay below 500 I can expect to be on medication in the next 6 months. And from there, for the rest of my life. Granted they have made fabulous advancements in treatments and medications, it's still an acceptance issue. Accepting the fact that a little pill, the size of my ever-so-dear Paxil (which keeps me sane!), will play a big part in keeping me ALIVE and HEALTHY. 40,000. What number is that? Well, that is my viral load count. How much virus is in a unit of my blood. Although 40,000 sounds like such a high number, in this battle it isn't THAT bad. Some people have viral loads of 500,000, a million. One lady I met today, probably one of the bravest women I have ever met, had a viral load count of 33,000,000 at one point. The fact that she is still living and breathing is a blessing. Once I start medication, my viral load will probably go down to undetectable (less than 48 viral load count) within a month or two. Scared. That's exactly how I felt after hearing those numbers. It just made everything all so real. It also gave me a jumping off point too though. I have numbers I can rely on now, and work for to improve. But still, scared. Scared of the fact that I will have to live my life dedicated to one or more pills until a cure is found or I die.

Anyways, back to the title of this post. Tonight is my last night in Long Beach. As Mark from RENT would say, "From here on out I shoot without a script." That is how I feel. I am so excited to get back to Tracy. No more ghetto, no more waiting tables on some of the most rude and ignorant people I have ever met, no more public transportation and college starvation. I get a retreat to a former place. See former faces. I don't yet know if I will move back to Long Beach or stay up in NorCal for college. I will miss Long Beach. I have learned so much about life since I moved down here last July. I have learned to struggle, learned to rely on myself, learned to rely on other people, learned to live with somebody I love, learned to laugh, live, and cry hard. It is hard to separate the feelings of me going back home and giving up. I know I am not giving up. But part of me feels like it. I worked so hard to get down here, get back in college, pay the bills, everything. But I know it's not healthy for me. Too many opportunities to party hard, live unhealthy, and miss my friends and FAMILY way too much. I need a slower lifestyle, for my own sanity. I am so very excited about working at Chili's in Tracy again too. I miss that store, crew, and management team dearly. They are all so wonderful, and it will be like seeing long lost family members again.

But to everyone who has helped me out here, thank you so much. Especially to Daniel, my boyfriend. You have kept me alive. I have put you through some shit, angry times, disappointment, everything. Yet you still stand beside me. Thank you! Garry, you have also kept me alive. If I had not had the chance to come into your life, yet still have been HIV positive, I don't know where I would be right now. I don't even know if I would be alive right now. You have been real, blunt, and insightful. All of the Chili's Long Beach team, you guys are amazing. Stephen we have had some crazy nights, Jackie you held me up when I wanted to fall, everyone. Andrew you hugged me when I just sat there at 24 one night and cried because I felt like giving up. I will miss you dearly. I can't possibly mention everyone, but you will all be in my mind tomorrow evening as I watch Long Beach disappear in my rear view mirror. But it's not goodbye. I'll be back. Actually, as soon as next week because I have a doctor's appointment. haha. You guys can't get rid of me. But honestly, thank you everyone. Please keep reading this. Especially if I am leaving you. So you know how I'm doing, and let me know how you are doing! Please. I hope the best for everyone, and I look forward to seeing all of you soon.