All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies

I can't believe it. Almost two years, and I'm single again. It hurts . I'm not going to go into the gory details of why we broke up, but he hurt me. Very bad. I'm heartbroken right now. I feel as if I'm already on the ground, especially with all that going on in my life, and he had the nerve to break my heart. Smash it into 1,000 pieces. Or for my RENT fans, he smashed it into five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred pieces. haha....sorry I always need a little bit of humor. Even when I'm down and out, and I'm on my last leg, I need some humor.

I didn't know if I was going to be with him forever. I'm not one of those cliche people who "omg we are gonna be together forever". I try to live for the moment, and for the near future. I'm a realist, and try not to set my expectations too high. But I never ever in a million years, or five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred years for that matter ;) thought it would end like this. It's just painful and crushing. I have a tire iron on my chest crushing me trying to squeeze all the strength it can out of me, but I'm stronger than that. I know I need to focus on myself right now. Not on guys, not on drama, not on anything other than making sure I'm getting back to top shape. Acceptance is a fucking bitch. On top of me accepting the fact that I have HIV, I have to accept the fact that now I'm on my own. My heart belongs to me again, someone doesn't have half of it by a death grip.

I miss him. I miss him so much. And it's only been a day. And I will miss him until the day that I die, but I am just in so much pain. It's okay to miss somebody that you hate for the time being. I know that it takes two to tango, and everything was not his fault. I know I had my faults in our relationship, but I've learned a lot from them. I just pray there are other people out there who can deal with me. like he did. Before I was on anti-depressants I was a raging bitch, and he put up with it every single day. I know he loves me. I know his instinct isn't to hurt me, but his instinct isn't to give me everything I need right now. His instinct is himself, and right now, that's what my instinct needs to me, what is good for Nick Morgan.