Believe it or Not, it was Vanity that Killed the Cat

The reason for my extended silence when it comes to my blog is simple: Depression. Over the last month I seem to have run into this brick wall of sadness and depression. Yet I feel like I am finally climbing my way over it.

Accepting my HIV status has proved harder to me than I thought it would. I have felt so many different emotions throughout the last 3 months it's unbelievable. There were times where I was so Gung Ho to fight against HIV both personally and through community outreach. There were times where I was so upset I felt reckless. For the most part everything seemed like it had been day by day. Depending on the events, circumstances and responsibilities of each day, my feeling for that entire day could swing either way. Yet during April everything seemed to flat line in a black hole of depression. I haven't had the motivation to say the words I need to say on here. I didn't have the motivation to seek some sort of mental/physical health care up here. Getting out of bed and slapping that big, fat, fake smile on my face and waiting tables became almost unbearable. It's hard to watch a 2 year relationship crumble in front of my face as I fight the hardest fight of my life: accepting my HIV status and starting my life over.

I always found security in sex. Sex made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. Daniel made me feel beautiful, made me feel wanted, made me feel LOVED. But I have lost my faith in sex. It has become this dirty omen, a nasty game of win or lose where the odds aren't in your favor. I've heard about so many kids my age in the past month finding out that they were newly diagnosed with HIV that it makes me sick. How can sex be so beautiful, yet be so murderous? Following on my second sentence in this paragraph, I lost everything with Daniel. We both are to fault, and I definitely blame HIV in being the final nail in the coffin. Him being negative, and me finding out that I am positive, he just couldn't handle my emotions. We allowed the virus to take hold, and rip us apart. Even as I get to know Julian better and our relationship grows, the anger and pain I have from what became of Daniel and I became supersedes my ability to fully embrace my seroconversion to being HIV+. How long does it take to get over someone who you felt abandoned you at such a significant, crucial time? A month? Two Months? Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred minutes? But from all of this I know two things: One - I will have to forgive Daniel for the pain I feel he has caused me before I can alleviate my depression and Two - I need to learn from the mistakes both he and I made, so that my current relationship to such a fascinating person does not follow a similar pattern.

To address my title for this blog, I have found that doing things to improve me both on the inside and outside really helps me feel less depressed. Call me vain, but I think feeling sexy, attractive, and desirable is an important aspect of life. It calms insecurities, creates confidence, and supports individualism. We all have to find our own ways to feel sexy. America idolizes beauty. As ridiculous as it is, beauty often surpasses morals when it comes being an American. And I won't lie, I quite oft fall victim to wanting to be a little more attractive, a little more fit, a little more intellectual. Being cultured and knowledgeable, especially about current events, is something that I believe makes someone much more attractive. Granted I love a chiseled jaw line, a golden tan, and abs you could suck a Kettle One Cosmopolitan out of, knowledge is so sexy. I want to learn. Whether it's about Mulholland's importance in the creation of the L.A. aqueduct, how to make the perfect casserole, how much cocaine Lindsay Lohan had for breakfast, or what the UN is doing to combat the rising tension between North Korea's nuclear program and the rest of the world, I want to learn. But I also want to be attractive. So if you see me at the gym reading the encyclopedia (or The National Enquirer), please say hello :)

All the Single Ladies, All the Single Ladies

I can't believe it. Almost two years, and I'm single again. It hurts . I'm not going to go into the gory details of why we broke up, but he hurt me. Very bad. I'm heartbroken right now. I feel as if I'm already on the ground, especially with all that going on in my life, and he had the nerve to break my heart. Smash it into 1,000 pieces. Or for my RENT fans, he smashed it into five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred pieces. haha....sorry I always need a little bit of humor. Even when I'm down and out, and I'm on my last leg, I need some humor.

I didn't know if I was going to be with him forever. I'm not one of those cliche people who "omg we are gonna be together forever". I try to live for the moment, and for the near future. I'm a realist, and try not to set my expectations too high. But I never ever in a million years, or five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred years for that matter ;) thought it would end like this. It's just painful and crushing. I have a tire iron on my chest crushing me trying to squeeze all the strength it can out of me, but I'm stronger than that. I know I need to focus on myself right now. Not on guys, not on drama, not on anything other than making sure I'm getting back to top shape. Acceptance is a fucking bitch. On top of me accepting the fact that I have HIV, I have to accept the fact that now I'm on my own. My heart belongs to me again, someone doesn't have half of it by a death grip.

I miss him. I miss him so much. And it's only been a day. And I will miss him until the day that I die, but I am just in so much pain. It's okay to miss somebody that you hate for the time being. I know that it takes two to tango, and everything was not his fault. I know I had my faults in our relationship, but I've learned a lot from them. I just pray there are other people out there who can deal with me. like he did. Before I was on anti-depressants I was a raging bitch, and he put up with it every single day. I know he loves me. I know his instinct isn't to hurt me, but his instinct isn't to give me everything I need right now. His instinct is himself, and right now, that's what my instinct needs to me, what is good for Nick Morgan.

Rock Bottom

I'm quitting drinking. I mean it. No more alcohol, it is toxic to me. Last night I was out having drinks (5 Tanquery Martinis and a Blojob shot) to be exact. When I got home, for some reason in my drunken state, I became extremely upset and depressed. I did the dumbest thing imaginable: I swallowed all my Paxil, Klonopin, and Trazadone. Great mix, right? A anti-depressant, anti-anxiety, and sleeping pill massive cocktail.

Suicide attempt? No. Cry for help? Most definitely. Right after I did it I went and told my sister, then things just flashed by. Police came, paramedics came, and I was whisked away in an ambulance. I spent the entire night in the hospital, had my stomach pumped, had a cathater (fucking OUCH), and the whole nine yards. Oh, and when they drew my blood, my blood alcohol level was .257, and that was more than an hour after I had stopped drinking. Why I'm still alive, I don't know. But I am blessed. What I did was extremely selfish, stupid, and inconsiderate. Enough of the gory details though, I really want to focus on how I felt, and how I feel now.

Trapped. That's exactly how I felt when I came to (yet still heavily intoxicated) at the hospital. I had to be held down in restraints. Somewhere in my delusions, I thought that I had been kidnapped. I dont' remember everything I did or said, but I remember exactly how I felt. I felt the most intense fear I have ever felt, I can still feel yet. I felt more helpless than ever. I didn't consciously realize where I was, and there was a security guard watching over me, so I thought I was being held captive. I ask myself now, are those feelings related to my HIV status? I feel captured right now. I feel helpless. It feels like it will never go away. Anyone who knows me well, knows I can be kind of a control freak. I very much things my way, but I try to compromise. It's because I like to handle things, I like to handle situations. And I can't handle this. I can't reach into my veins and pull this horrible virus out of me. I try, so hard I try. Just knowing that there's something inside of me that is multiplying and multiplying and multiplying. I can't control it. Yeah I can got in meds when I need to, and live a healthier lifestyle, etc. etc. etc. But, I can never just remove it from me. I feel I'm wearing the scarlet letter, forever embedded in my blood and mind.

I just feel so confused. I feel like I do all these great things to get me ahead, yet I find someway to regress. It's like a nonstop, rapid paced game of Chutes and Latters, and unfortunately my gameboard has longer chutes than it does latters. Does anybody know a carpenter? :) Really though, I just need to figure out how to keep myself on top of this game. Fulltime. Not half time like I have been doing. I mean I've been doing all these crucial, amazing things. Speaking to people, allowing others into my life for the sake of themselves to learn and protect themselves, have completely changed my eating habits, everything. But the other half the time I'm drinking myself to oblivian, or beating myself up, or crying, or blaming, or having the pity-party of the year. It needs to stop. I keep telling myself it, but never doing it. So like I said earlier, I'm making a very bold change that many of you know will be hard for me, I'm completely quitting drinking. My mom, stepdad, and I all decided that some sort of outpatient treatment for alcoholism. I don't know if I'm a typical alcoholic, but I know that I have drinking problems. I know I need to stop. Maybe not forever, but definitely until my life is back to normal, and I can learn to stop at 2 or 3 drinks, instead of 7 or 8. I can't have another night like last night happening again, ever.

And I just broke up with my boyfriend. Seriously, as I was writing this blog, I found some shit out, and broke up with him. So I need to end it here. I'm in too much pain to talk about it tomorrow. I will try my hardest to update tomorrow, I'm just drowning in tears right now.