I ain't Sayin' you ain't Pretty...

For the first time in so long I can smile. I can smile and really mean it. I'm truly happy right now. Nothing specific has really happened, I've just felt detached from the grueling depression that was enveloping me. It's weird because I've taken myself off my beloved Paxil and it's actually helped me feel better. I've had some anxiety, but mood wise I've been more up, out, and about then I've been in months.

I have my consultation in less then 12 hours for my first line HIV treatment. It has got me nervous as hell, but I think I'm ready. I have to discuss what medications are appropriate with my doctor, but hopefully this time tomorrow I'll have some answers and possibly even some medications to get my T-Cells back where they belong. I've been dreading starting medication, but then I had an Epiphany today (I love that word btw). Is that millions of people died, and are still dying, wishing they had the opportunities that I have right now. HIV persisted for 15 years without any good, concrete treatment and in that time people were dying off left and right. They would have given anything to have the available treatment we have now. Unfortunately, that thought was clouded by my selfish pity that I had, dwelling on the fact of my outcome. But I'm not dying. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I feel like I have this terrible disease, eating away at me, waiting to take me. But that's not the case. And I believe it now. I REALLY do. I have everything to live for. The last few months I had been feeling like someone took away the last 2 years of my life, and that now this disease was going to take away the rest of it. But I'm done hating. Hating him, hating this virus. That's a huge part why I haven't updated in so long. I felt so lost. I was in a haze of depression and funk.

And I'm not gonna lie I was disappointed with everyone who didn't donate 5 or 10 bucks to my AIDS walk. I'm sorry, but I sent out plenty of texts, and the fact that nobody could help me out made me not want to update. I'm not doing God's work here, but it isn't easy opening your most deepest feelings like this. Especially of such a sensitive subject. But whatever. I'm over it and on to greener pastures. Goodnight everyone.