Amongst

Being HIV+, I've learned to accept many things, one of them being unconditional, superfluous amounts of support. I started my day off calling a hospital inquiring about support groups, and it led to meeting some of the most amazing people. Its wonderful how much support and care total strangers are capable of giving. In a time marred by terrorism, political truthiness (its a word, ask Stephen Colbert), and economic insanity I have lost so much faith in humanity; the innocence and purity that comes with being young fizzles out more and more everyday. Others coping with this virus, especially those who have been accustomed to never ending T-Cell counts and too many funerals, have helped me re-establish a belief in the human soul. I have been blessed to have so many individuals reach out to me with lingering support based on the fact that I am a young man with an unfortunate serostatus. With HIV- people, I always sense a copious amount of pity in their voice when they discuss this virus with me. HIV+ persons who have came into my life still have that same desperation to see me prosper, yet it lacks pity. It is much for faith filled. They have felt those pangs of unprecedented sadness; each one of us have felt this immense fear.

So tonight, as I ride home on BART from one of the most uplifting support groups (and one of the most uplifting days of my life), I want to take a second to thank every HIV positive person who has came into my life in the past 152 days that I have known about my status and given me something. Whether it be some sort of key piece of knowledge, a lasting statement intent on easing my burden, or a shoulder to cry on in a hard moment. It may have been a ride home because I was drunk again drowning my sorrows, or it could have been the verbal bitchslap I needed to wake up during a weak moment. You have all given, and given graciously. Whether or not you realized you did, I noticed. I hope one day I can repay you and help you in a time of need. We are all special, unique creatures that feel so many common emotions. To those of us in this battle, we are all the more unique in the fact we can find some pride and dignity in supporting each others. I care and love all of you so, so much. I could not be alive right now without the help you have given me. I have felt some of the most negative feelings because of this. I have wanted to, and tried to do myself in. Yet I am here, still, and I owe so much of it to you. While HIV is nothing to be proud of, it is nothing to be ashamed of. Take pride in the knowledge and power the virus has distilled upon you though, and the strength you have found in yourself to pass those things along to a once hopeless, newly diagnosed person: me.
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Camping

July 5, 2009 12:34 AM

So I'm camping right now and blogging from my blackberry (as I often do), so this will be uploaded post facto (as I do not get cell phone reception here). So right now I'm sitting here in front of the campfire thinking. Although it is a quick camping trip, it has been a therapeutic one.

As much of a diva homo I can be, for those who really know me they know camping is and has been a huge part of my life. My family has been coming here for many many years (in face my grandma started coming here in the 60's, started spending her entire summer up here in the 70's, and was buried up here in 2007). I've been coming up to these beautiful mountains since I was only a few months old. Each year in my life, as with anyone growing up, I have significant changes in my life. For me, I use my camping trip as some sort of a timestamp. I reflect on where my life is at that time. Since my diagnosis I have reflected more on my 22 years, 20 days, and some odd hours more than I ever have in my entire life. And although I didn't realize it throughout the years, the timetable I created for myself each summer has become a game of connect the dots, waiting to be played until some conspicuous moment in my existence. That time is now, and that has been what this trip has been about for me.

I surprised myself though. I thought I wouldn't be able to get Daniel off my mind, as he was the first guy I really shared Poker Flat (the place where I camp) with. That was a huge thing for me; we shared so many amazing moments I retain in memories and pictures. I miss him, so very much. But I have worked so hard to get over him and I've proven it to myself from this trip. Even after we broke up, I didn't want to let myself reclaim my independence because I had hope we would be a fairy tale and things would work out. Yet, time after time, I was denied by him. The first guy who ever told me no to love. That fact hurt almost as much as the pain of wanting to revitalize out stagnant relationship. I've known since the day we took our own paths though that my first trip to Poker Flat without him would either make or break my individuality. For the first time in a long time I have surprised myself, unallowing myself to feel the anchor of pain caused my our tragic, inevitable demise.

I will be raw and honest though. I broke down for a bit today. Not from a guy though, believe it or not. But from the memories of a woman, a woman that so many of my friends would have been blessed to know. I stood over my grandmother's grave today asking her, "How different would my life have turned out if I had really gotten to know you, grandma, had Alzheimer's not robbed your wise and wisdom from me when I was so young?" She was such a strong, daring person; I wonder if there was some sort of knowledge she could have taught me that would have prevented my seroconversion (the technical term for going from HIV- to HIV+). Did you possess some snippet of information, reassurance, or self-security that, had you not bequeathed your wealth of knowledge to this miserable disease, would have disarmed the virus of entering my body? Furthermore, had you not grown so mentally distant, would you preventing this virus from me have meant that the cure for HIV was having a witted grandmother who didn't have Alzheimer's? Granted that this is such a silly, illogical question, it is conceivable to ponder that, as my self-cure from getting the virus may have been some sort of influence you may have provided me with. Beloved grandma, who was mentally taken from me at such a premature stage in both of our lives, please provide me with answers. As I know we no longer share the same world, wherever you are, whether it be heaven, beside me, or in the mountains filled with gold (the ones you loved so much), provide me with answers. Provide me with answers so that next year when I am up here pondering on my growth from this moment I can say, "Thank you, grandma. I survived my first year as being diagnosed HIV+, and your heavenly push kept me going."
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A Cocktail You Won't Find at the Bar

Truvada, Reyataz, and Norvir. What does that mean to you? The last names of the three wise men? Greetings in Armenian?? Well, they mean a lot to me. From now on those are my new best friends. They are the 3 HIV medications that I start later today. Fortunately I only take them once a day, but the idea of 3 pills is a little overwhelming. But I must prevail. I am nervous, I'm not gonna lie, but I know I will benefit from these pills. In a matter of weeks my viral load will drop to an undetectable level and my t cells will rise. Its crazy to think my life free of HIV medication is over, but its refreshing to know I will FINALLY have a physical upper hand in this. I will snicker at this virus as it slowly dissipates. Although it will never leave my body, the virus will be sent into hiding like the scared rebel it is. Sianora! Please, don't send postcards from the vacation you will be taking. My T-Cells will no longer accept your RSVPs
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I ain't Sayin' you ain't Pretty...

For the first time in so long I can smile. I can smile and really mean it. I'm truly happy right now. Nothing specific has really happened, I've just felt detached from the grueling depression that was enveloping me. It's weird because I've taken myself off my beloved Paxil and it's actually helped me feel better. I've had some anxiety, but mood wise I've been more up, out, and about then I've been in months.

I have my consultation in less then 12 hours for my first line HIV treatment. It has got me nervous as hell, but I think I'm ready. I have to discuss what medications are appropriate with my doctor, but hopefully this time tomorrow I'll have some answers and possibly even some medications to get my T-Cells back where they belong. I've been dreading starting medication, but then I had an Epiphany today (I love that word btw). Is that millions of people died, and are still dying, wishing they had the opportunities that I have right now. HIV persisted for 15 years without any good, concrete treatment and in that time people were dying off left and right. They would have given anything to have the available treatment we have now. Unfortunately, that thought was clouded by my selfish pity that I had, dwelling on the fact of my outcome. But I'm not dying. Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I feel like I have this terrible disease, eating away at me, waiting to take me. But that's not the case. And I believe it now. I REALLY do. I have everything to live for. The last few months I had been feeling like someone took away the last 2 years of my life, and that now this disease was going to take away the rest of it. But I'm done hating. Hating him, hating this virus. That's a huge part why I haven't updated in so long. I felt so lost. I was in a haze of depression and funk.

And I'm not gonna lie I was disappointed with everyone who didn't donate 5 or 10 bucks to my AIDS walk. I'm sorry, but I sent out plenty of texts, and the fact that nobody could help me out made me not want to update. I'm not doing God's work here, but it isn't easy opening your most deepest feelings like this. Especially of such a sensitive subject. But whatever. I'm over it and on to greener pastures. Goodnight everyone.

Cabin in the Woods

The ghostly-gray fog swam mysteriously, rising just high enough to haunt the rusted door handle of the abandoned cabin. The corpse-colored wood of the cabin had rotted brutally due of the snowy winters in this majestic forest. On this autumn day, the crisp breeze blew pine needles and rocky-brown dust against the tin roof that covered the cabin like a halo. The constant ping of forest debris against the corroded, golden-brown roof was just loud enough to hear over the whooshing wind. This decaying relic in the forest, slightly slanted to the right, stood only yards away from the rocky pathway that twisted and turned through the hills. Looking straight on at the cabin, one would easily notice that the perfectly crafted rectangular windows, each sorrowly missing their long-gone glass coverings, were evenly spaced on the second-floor, on either side of the door. This simple architectural design made it look as if the front of the cabin was really a wide-eyed ghost, one of fearful expression; the long door a gaping mouth. As the sun peeked higher and higher over the heavenly mountains, covered with the greenest pine trees on earth, the fog crawled slowly back into its grave. The cabin knew though that within a day’s rotation, the ghastly fog would return to dance and drift along its foundation.

Terrible Twos

So yesterday would have been Daniel and I's two year anniversary. The whole week before I had been dreading it. I'm not gonna lie. I thought I was going to be super depressed and down, but to be honest it was a breeze. I actually didn't even realize it until halfway through the day. And on top of that, I got to spend the ENTIRE day with my wonderful boyfriend Julian. We laid out, swam, watched movies, tanned, ate pizza, drank beer, went to the doctors. Ya know...the typical day of what the life of an HIV positive individual should look like. Hahaha jk. But I'm not gonna lie, it was a very relaxing day. Muchos besos babe!!
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Tonight...We Ponder

Why is it that we, as human beings, find such devout reassurance in the love of another? Why do we allow the love for another to supersede the love for oneself; especially when we know that the person closest to us has the infiltrating power to abuse that love. It is our human nature to always shield pain from being afflicted. Therefore, isn't it logical to bequeath one's heart to themself, sparing the pain and heartache that comes from loving another?
What is it about the occurrence of an unfortunate, yet mutually exclusive event that hyperbolizes the pain of having loved another? Does that coincide with the feeling of love being uplifted when a mutually exclusive positive event takes place? For example, the love you have for you partner is heightened upon, say, receiving a great pay raise. Most importantly, why does the painful aspects of love eclipse its gentle, warm radiance?
I'm trying to determine why love intertwines in every aspect, event, and stage of our life. Love determines so much of our life: how often we do a certain event, how happy our hearts allow us to be, where we decide to go away to whether it be temporary or for good. Love also determines if going away is temporary or for good. Love and logic are essentially the two tools we use in decision making. Yet, who draws the fine line of reasoning that create the distinction between them?
These are age old questions, I know. I am not the first to ask them and most certainly won't be the last. The questions themselves aren't the emphasis of this, though. The emphasis is if, and when, they will be answered
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