Sick of it...

I'm sick of it.. I'm sick off the ball and chain I wear around my ankle.. I'm sick of this scarlet letter. I fucked up, I made a mistake.. But this one has consequences that will last longer than I ever thought. I've had this tattooed upon me, upon my immune system. I honestly don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of my life like this. No matter how many highly active anti-retroviral therapy medications I take, no matter how many wheat grass shots I take, no matter how many push ups I do, lonely nights I spend crying myself to sleep, this will always be a part of me. Once I lose health insurance next summer, things are only going to get so much more complicated. I wish I hadn't made the mistakes I made.. This is what regret feels like.

Old Writings

I wrote this about 2 1/2 years ago, and I just found it and re-read it and thought I'd post it...I really like it..please give me your feedback I would love to hear your thoughts!

"So one thing that I have really been thinking about lately is couples. I look at a lot of my friends, past and present, strangers, and just people in general, and it seems like almost everybody has somebody right now. Superficially, that sounds like a great utopian concept: Everybody is loved, it is a bright, sunny season, and happiness is all over. But that's exactly what that perspective is: superficial. Under the surface there are much more less appealing perspectives.

First of all, what is it that is driving people to commit to these incredible relationships? Well it's not just love. One thing I've noticed is desperation. Individuals are so hell-bent on taking away their individuality, on labeling themselves as coupled. They will foresake what they like, are interested in, and most importantly, what they believe in just so that others will know that they are coupled. Relationships have become this rose, and happiness are its petals, and everytime a petal falls off, happiness dies for that person. People are so desperate to have a dozen roses in their garden, yet life is built off more than just those roses. It's built off more than just flowers. Life is this huge supermarket, where there is an endless variety of sections, yet everyone seems to focus on the rose department. Whatever happened to the clean up on aisle nine?

Another thing I've noticed which blindly drives people to one another is lonliness. It seems like lonliness is everywhere. A little girl swinging slowly on the playground with her head towards the ground, an old lady sipping a latte and watching the day pass at a coffee shop, a less than popular teenager sitting in his room on a Friday night, because no one has the bravery to call him and see how he's doing. These may all just be lonely people. But what about the people who are so afraid of being lonely that this urge drives them to shack up with anyone who gets beyond "hello" with them? So many people, especially young ones, fear spending their life unloved that they go for the next best thing, the less than best thing, or simply, anything. And that's unfortunate. You can feign a smile, you can feign an "I love you", hell, you can even feign an entire relationship, but you can't feign what your heart says is true. All in all, which is better? To be independant, single, and "lonely", or lie to yourself about what makes you happy for the rest of your life?

And what about the poor souls who have a combination of both? Lonliness and desperation. Are those the ones that turn to one night stands, drugs, and meaningless relationships to pass the time, and feign their happiness? Or are their a strong handful in that group that are able to stand their ground, hold out, and wait for that one person who truely, meaningfuly, honestly makes them happy and loves them unconditionally? Are you that person? Am I?"

Snippit from an Article from the Huffington Post

Nearly half of people living with HIV/AIDS in the United States lack access to the health care services they need. Many living with HIV are considered "too healthy" to obtain Medicaid benefits but cannot afford or are denied private insurance coverage. Because private insurers often refuse to cover people with HIV, only one in five people living with HIV have private insurance coverage.

Health care reform efforts must include ways to provide coverage for all people living with HIV and also include strong provisions on prevention. With nearly 60,000 people newly infected with HIV each year in the United States, the rate of new HIV infections remains disturbingly high.

Luckily, the health care reform plan does include provisions on HIV/AIDS. The plan will allow states to extend Medicaid coverage to thousands of low-income people living with HIV who are currently "too healthy" to obtain coverage and also increase the number of people who benefit from the AIDS Drug Assistance program. Finally, the plan contains several prevention and wellness provisions that will increase access to voluntary HIV testing and other prevention methods. More can always be done, but this is a good start.

I feel..

So I've been told I often talk about what I am doing, and not enough of what I am feeling. So tonight I'm dedicating my entry to only what I am feeling...Read ahead.

I feel overwhelmed. I feel as if I have stepped into a new world, one in which I was not prepared for. I feel as though I have not made the best decisions since my diagnosis, relying too much on emotion, and too little on intelligence. I feel as if I buried myself in situations, dedications, and expectations that I am not capable of managing to the best of my abilities. I feel that I wish I could have a few more months off of life, yet I feel that I should have never taken as much time off from it as I did. I feel overwhelmed.

I feel new horizons broadening. I feel as though the sun is setting on many aspects, friendships, and endeavors in my life, yet there are so many other things opening up. I feel as if the friendships I have had the pleasure of becoming acquainted with are so much more real than the friendships I used to make. I feel as if the crowd of people I have chosen to surround myself with hold better values about themselves, and I respect that. I feel I have strayed away from the hard partier's, the all-to-often hungover people, and those who do not have common goals as myself. I feel as if I view goals in a different light. I feel as though I have a clearer view of the things I wish to do with my life, the people I wish to encounter, and the rewards I wish to obtain through hard work. I feel new horizons broadening.

I feel pressured more than ever. I feel that disappointment and failure is no longer acceptable, and that it is time to buck up and get some real shit done. I feel that I have let many people down. I feel that those who weren't really my friends have lost hope in me, while the people who really care have held out and tried to support me. I feel as though many people don't understand what I am going through, and that sometimes creates a strain on our friendship. I feel that I have many less friends than i did a year ago, but I feel more love and acceptance in my life. I feel that I do not want to let these people down, I want them to be happy that we are friends, and find satisfaction in our relationship. At the same time, I feel pressured more than ever.

Low Tide

I've been feeling kind of emotional the last couple of days, I'm not going to lie. I had been feeling really happy and positive for a good month there, but things are starting to feel a little more sad. I think it's because summer is coming to an end. Summer has always been my favorite season, and now comes the cold. Cold, dark days. Rainy days. Windy, cloudy days. Last winter I was in Long Beach, where the sun was always shining. It may not have always been warm, but the sun was always shining. I know how Tracy is during the fall/winter, and I'm not looking forward to it. I just can't picture myself being content with the fact that I am HIV+ and it's raining outside. Okay, that sounds a little weird. I don't mean for it to come out like that. But having HIV is such a gloomy fact of life. It's not fun, it's not a walk in the park, it's not a piece of cake. I've always struggled to stay happy during the winter, and this year I feel like I'm going to have to struggle harder.

Another thing is that I started school again. While I am ecstastic to be back getting an education, and I am SO happy with my classes, it's just not the same. Long Beach was an up and down experience for me, but the one thing I loved about it was school. I had a great routine, I loved and knew the campus, and it felt right. Taking the bus to and from, listening to my iPod to pump myself up those mornings, walking down the alleyway back to my apartment after a long day at school, climbing the steps to my apartment, and relaxing. I was independant then, I was on top of things. HIV had not yet made its way into my life. Well it had, but I just didn't know it at the time. It felt good to be free. Being back on a JC campus is a little disappointing. The campus doesn't offer nearly as many great amenities, and if it does, it doesn't make it appareant. I'm no longer surrounded by people who really seem to care about higher learning, but more of a high schoolish type crowd.

Guys have also disappointed me lately. I wish I hadn't screwed up my relationship. I had a good thing. And I know both Daniel and I did our share to destory things, I feel like there was so much more I could have done to prevent the outcome that came. It felt good to be in love. I wasn't as scared of HIV when I had him. I am scared now. Not of dying, not of the virus killing me. But just having to live with it, the burden of it. The worries and troubles of having to carry this around with me for the rest of my life gets to me sometimes. I know I will continue to grow with this, and it will get easier. It has gotten easier. But right now, I just feel emotional. I know it will pass. I will never allow myself to sink into the hole that I was in ever again. May and June were particularly bad months for me, and I never want to repeat them again. My birthday was horrible, I spent it in the ER with bronchitis. When August 31st comes around in a few weeks, do me a favor, wake me up when september ends.

Accomplishments

Feeling the setbacks of HIV, emotionally and physically, it is
important to find ways that you can pull yourself up and most
importantly, pull yourself FORWARD. When I was first diagnosed, my
T-Cell count was 345. That was very upsetting for me because it meant
my T cells were at a low level that would require me to start
medication very soon. If you look back at some of my blogs in the very
beginning of my diagnosis, I wrote how I wanted to stay of HIV
medication at least until I was out of college. Unfortunately, because
my T cells lingered in the 350 range at my next count, medication was
something I needed to start if I didn't want to experience severe
damage to my immune system in the next few years.

As most of you know from reading my blogs, T Cells are the important
white blood cells that fight infection. When you have HIV, your T
Cells are killed off, and after you get below 200, you have AIDS. A
normal range is between 500-1000 T Cells. Well today I found out that
my T Cells have climbed to 521, which means I am at a normal, healthy
range. Although I didn't feel many effects of HIV, it feels so good to
know that I am considered normal again. Granted its a low-normal, none
the less its a goal I have wanted to reach and had no idea I could do
it so quickly. HIV is not just a physical ailment, it is very mental
as well. To survive and thrive with HIV, you have to be comfortable
with your status and health. Today, thursday, I am the most
comfortable with my status as I've ever been. Even when I thought I
was HIV-, I wasn't very comfortable with my status because I didn't
KNOW my status. I thought I did, but unless you have that paper in
front of you declaring you infected or not infected, your status is
merely suspected. I'm not happy I'm positive, in fact I despise the
fact that HIV has decided to take residence in me. Given the
circumstances though, I must find pride in my life, in my disease.
Everytime I get a better piece of news, a good result, or wake up
feeling healthier than the day before, I get a small win for myself.
It means I'm fighting the disease, and I'm fighting it hard. Its
taxation on my immune system will not come without representation.

As happy as I am today about my T Cells being up by nearly 200 since
February, I did have a set back. I have been experiencing some really
bad stomach issues for almost three weeks now. It has gotten to the
point some days where I feel like its robbing me of my freedom,
robbing me of my choice to pick what I eat (and instead go with
something that will be less reactive to my stomach). I thought it may
be my meds, but the doctor I saw today doesn't think so. She seems to
think that I most likely picked up a parasite while camping over the
4th of July and swimming in untreated, forest creek water. Fortunately
if it does appear to be a parasite I can have it treated with little
problem. Its the mental part though that upsets me. I've been camping
and swimming up in that area since I was just a few weeks old. So what
does this mean? Will I have to limit what I do, limit my life? These
are the things that pass through the head of an HIV positive 22 year
old. I want to be able to live unconditional, unrestrained. Yet, I
have to double think some of these things though. I refuse to let HIV
hold me down though. This disease has reshaped my life in so many
ways, good and bad. I am so much more self-aware and aware of those
around me. I strive to live a healthy, productive life in a way in
which I never have before. Yet, it has also brought a dark shadow that
sits heavily upon my soul. Gone is innocence and purity. I have a
comprehension of life that sometimes is vilified with terror. Finding
a balance between a healthy reality and an overzealous fear of death
is hard, sometimes nearly impossible. It is something I will do every
day though, until I die.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Accomplishments

Feeling the setbacks of HIV, emotionally and physically, it is
important to find ways that you can pull yourself up and most
importantly, pull yourself FORWARD. When I was first diagnosed, my
T-Cell count was 345. That was very upsetting for me because it meant
my T cells were at a low level that would require me to start
medication very soon. If you look back at some of my blogs in the very
beginning of my diagnosis, I wrote how I wanted to stay of HIV
medication at least until I was out of college. Unfortunately, because
my T cells lingered in the 350 range at my next count, medication was
something I needed to start if I didn't want to experience severe
damage to my immune system in the next few years.

As most of you know from reading my blogs, T Cells are the important
white blood cells that fight infection. When you have HIV, your T
Cells are killed off, and after you get below 200, you have AIDS. A
normal range is between 500-1000 T Cells. Well today I found out that
my T Cells have climbed to 521, which means I am at a normal, healthy
range. Although I didn't feel many effects of HIV, it feels so good to
know that I am considered normal again. Granted its a low-normal, none
the less its a goal I have wanted to reach and had no idea I could do
it so quickly. HIV is not just a physical ailment, it is very mental
as well. To survive and thrive with HIV, you have to be comfortable
with your status and health. Today, thursday, I am the most
comfortable with my status as I've ever been. Even when I thought I
was HIV-, I wasn't very comfortable with my status because I didn't
KNOW my status. I thought I did, but unless you have that paper in
front of you declaring you infected or not infected, your status is
merely suspected. I'm not happy I'm positive, in fact I despise the
fact that HIV has decided to take residence in me. Given the
circumstances though, I must find pride in my life, in my disease.
Everytime I get a better piece of news, a good result, or wake up
feeling healthier than the day before, I get a small win for myself.
It means I'm fighting the disease, and I'm fighting it hard. Its
taxation on my immune system will not come without representation.

As happy as I am today about my T Cells being up by nearly 200 since
February, I did have a set back. I have been experiencing some really
bad stomach issues for almost three weeks now. It has gotten to the
point some days where I feel like its robbing me of my freedom,
robbing me of my choice to pick what I eat (and instead go with
something that will be less reactive to my stomach). I thought it may
be my meds, but the doctor I saw today doesn't think so. She seems to
think that I most likely picked up a parasite while camping over the
4th of July and swimming in untreated, forest creek water. Fortunately
if it does appear to be a parasite I can have it treated with little
problem. Its the mental part though that upsets me. I've been camping
and swimming up in that area since I was just a few weeks old. So what
does this mean? Will I have to limit what I do, limit my life? These
are the things that pass through the head of an HIV positive 22 year
old. I want to be able to live unconditional, unrestrained. Yet, I
have to double think some of these things though. I refuse to let HIV
hold me down though. This disease has reshaped my life in so many
ways, good and bad. I am so much more self-aware and aware of those
around me. I strive to live a healthy, productive life in a way in
which I never have before. Yet, it has also brought a dark shadow that
sits heavily upon my soul. Gone is innocence and purity. I have a
comprehension of life that sometimes is vilified with terror. Finding
a balance between a healthy reality and an overzealous fear of death
is hard, sometimes nearly impossible. It is something I will do every
day though, until I die.

--
Sent from my mobile device